1. Find investors. These are the guys who weren’t very popular in school. They fought back by working hard to be rich, but unfortunately for them they are still unpopular, and now bald. They invest in clubs to be cool among the beautiful people.
2. One-word names only. Coming up with a club name is like brainstorming, except you don’t really brainstorm and you use the first thing that pops in your head. Examples: Lima, Play, Cloud, Panache, Modern, Pearl, Chloe, Eyebar, Fur, and Home. The winner for most retarded club name? Love. :boring: Runner-up: H2O. Someone actually named a club “water.” :crazy:
3. Hire promoters. Hire either Panorama, Absolute Addiction, DC Rumba’s, or whoever has a large, generic e-mail list. You don’t want to bring in a different crowd; you just want people who have been “clubbing” for years and are in desperate need of a hobby.
4. Hold the door! Who cares if people wait outside in the cold for over an hour. They are mouth-breathers who do nothing to increase the elite status of your club. Instead, let in Miss Boobalot whose bouncer crotch-rubbing skills are matched by no one. Of course she doesn’t actually spend money once inside because she spent it all on clothes, but who cares because she GETS IT and those losers waiting in line don’t. Club Economics 101: spend lavishly on things that reasonable people wouldn’t buy.
5. Bring in midget dancers. Yes, midgets. A DC club really bragged about having midget performers. Last time I heard they weren’t doing so well.
6. Install a lot of LCD screens. Nothing says hip and modern like televisions displaying random graphics or “classic” movies like Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. You wanna know what’s not cool, future club owner? When I visit your club once every two months and you always play the same fucking movie. Take a break from trying to get into the pants of the ugly skank I banged last year to buy some goddamn new DVDs.
7. Charge a lot of a drink. It makes people realize your club is high status and worth the bad service and idiotic bartenders who “quit” every three months.
8. Table service, table service, table service. Everything you do should be centered around selling bottles of liquor at 700% mark-up rates. But remember: chumps pay, girls play. Don’t even bother giving the table menu to a woman, unless she is so ugly that no dude alive would buy her alcohol.
9. Cheesy hell-hole or bust. At about the four or five month mark, your club will be unpopular and lame. Blame your promoters, or the weather.