1. Find investors. These are the guys who weren’t very popular in school. They fought back by working hard to be rich, but unfortunately for them they are still unpopular, and now bald. They invest in clubs to be cool among the beautiful people.

2. One-word names only. Coming up with a club name is like brainstorming, except you don’t really brainstorm and you use the first thing that pops in your head. Examples: Lima, Play, Cloud, Panache, Modern, Pearl, Chloe, Eyebar, Fur, and Home. The winner for most retarded club name? Love. :boring: Runner-up: H2O. Someone actually named a club “water.” :crazy:

3. Hire promoters. Hire either Panorama, Absolute Addiction, DC Rumba’s, or whoever has a large, generic e-mail list. You don’t want to bring in a different crowd; you just want people who have been “clubbing” for years and are in desperate need of a hobby.

4. Hold the door! Who cares if people wait outside in the cold for over an hour. They are mouth-breathers who do nothing to increase the elite status of your club. Instead, let in Miss Boobalot whose bouncer crotch-rubbing skills are matched by no one. Of course she doesn’t actually spend money once inside because she spent it all on clothes, but who cares because she GETS IT and those losers waiting in line don’t. Club Economics 101: spend lavishly on things that reasonable people wouldn’t buy.

5. Bring in midget dancers. Yes, midgets. A DC club really bragged about having midget performers. Last time I heard they weren’t doing so well.

6. Install a lot of LCD screens. Nothing says hip and modern like televisions displaying random graphics or “classic” movies like Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. You wanna know what’s not cool, future club owner? When I visit your club once every two months and you always play the same fucking movie. Take a break from trying to get into the pants of the ugly skank I banged last year to buy some goddamn new DVDs.

7. Charge a lot of a drink. It makes people realize your club is high status and worth the bad service and idiotic bartenders who “quit” every three months.

8. Table service, table service, table service. Everything you do should be centered around selling bottles of liquor at 700% mark-up rates. But remember: chumps pay, girls play. Don’t even bother giving the table menu to a woman, unless she is so ugly that no dude alive would buy her alcohol.

9. Cheesy hell-hole or bust. At about the four or five month mark, your club will be unpopular and lame. Blame your promoters, or the weather.


  1. Mattea

    one time i went to a club that had midgets walking around with trays of food on their heads for people to pick off of. chips and salsa, i think. i’m not kidding.

  2. Joe

    I am SO sick of the one-word trend in nightclubs. Here in Vegas we have many of them. Some actual names of major hotel-casino nightclubs on or near the Strip:

    Ra; Ice; JET; Light; Pure; Rain; rumjungle (notice, it’s a single word); Tao; Tryst; Vivid; Whiskey

    This trend is so played out — actually, it never was cool to begin with.

    Actually, I favor nightclub names of FOUR OR MORE WORDS, like one of my old DC favorites, “Sign of the Whale”.

    How about a new trend:

    Snake in Your Pants (Snake in Yo’ Pants if its a hip-hop club); Fire in Yo’ Belly; Shit in Yo’ Face; Clap in Yo’ Lap; and Junk in Yo’ Trunk.

  3. pill

    The midget reference reminds me of the Last Resort in Total Recall – stocked w/ midgets, guns, and the VIP rooms, and scandalous people – looks like the d.c. recipe works out.

  4. Cock Diesel


    ?Line strategy? is ri-fucking-diculous!

    The line is long as fuck and the club is completely empty inside. I get it, ppl drive by and think, ?Wow that must be the hot spot, look at that line!?

    How did the line get so long to begin with?

    Well, they ran some lame radio commercials stating ?everyone in FREE before midnight?. What they neglected to say is they are not letting anyone in until AFTER MIDNIGHT! :suspicious:

    Oh, and don?t forget to advertise all the celebrity guests that are hanging out. If you are lucky enough to make it into VIP, you will see that the only face you recognize is Scott Baio, who is with one of his ?self-employed models? errrrrrrr ?professional skanks?.

    Anyhow, the club ends up closing its doors in 4 months.

    A month later, it opens back up under new management and a new name. The new assholes implement the same tactics and the cycle repeats itself. :pissed:

  5. Mad1

    Wow DCB, I think you captured the entire DC club scene in one blog. I agree with you on point 1 very true. and for point 2 yes the names these owners come up with are crazy, just so you know Marc spend over 100,000 in marketing and all he came up with was LOVE…SAD…3 very true Antonis’s crew does very well bringing the same crowd to the same venues, but please take DC Rumbas off that list they don’t even deserved to mentioned..hahhah..5. if you are referring to Tequilla Beach you hit the nail on the head they closed down last week..finally number 8 and I am done..I just can’t see why the same loser pay 1000+ plus to rent a sofa,bed.couch, with liqour that values no more than 300 retail..DCB another great post..

  6. Anonymous

    Clubs have their place, although the ones I go to usually have words like Cosmos, or Metropolitan in the name.

  7. sara

    Love may have a retarded name, but I still had the most fun I’ve had in a while there this past weekend.

    Oh, wait… that COULD just be because I rarely go out anymore 😉

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  10. Jlidany

    To DC bachelor,

    I guess you still looking for a lady since you have time to come up with this crapy webpage which has no profound evidence to back up what you say about the clubs or promoters…

    DC rumbas same alll shitty music, rock, pop and trance.. South american crowd that back home probably worked at a shoe store or even did not have a job now that they are in the US they want to act like they have it going on…. Not gone lie sometimes they can pull nice looking girls but the same bullshit parties year after year peruvian party, venezuelan party, ect. and if you go to one of those parties a year earlier probably you will see the same people a year later…

    Panorama: used to be the shit back in the 90 up to 1999 they played out with their George Mason gust list, so if you want to meet George Mason freshmens go to their parties…. yeah the mostly under 21 girls get drunk and stupid plus maybe you can get some some a%%%%%%s.

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