Author Archives: Sally

MY TRIP

Like DCB, I’m going to Europe this summer, but I’m leaving next week. I’ve got two weeks there but my itinerary is completely different. I’m starting out in Paris for a few days, then taking a train to St Tropez to meet up wit mah boo, then up to Amsterdam for the rest of the trip. The last time I went to Europe was several years ago, and I’m interested to spend more time in a few places rather than trying to move all over the Continent. I thought about going to London, but getting price-raped isn’t my idea of fun, and who can resist St Tropez? Not me.

Unlike the Batchie, I’m not staying in hostels. I was able to find fairly cheap hotels in nice neighborhoods close to public transportation. Seriously, how was it possible to plan trips like these before the internet?

So again, dear readers, any advice you’ve got is appreciated. The dates I’m there are fairly firm but not inflexible. I’m also intrigued by the idea of renting a car in Europe, maybe to take a day trip somewhere. Does anyone have experience with this?

Oh, and while I’m gone, you’ll have a very sad and empty two weeks without any posts. On the other hand, there’ll be two full weeks of me when DCB goes to Spain. Giddy up.

HAVING FUN

When you’re young, everyone tells you not to settle down right away, and to date around, and “have fun”. People who are older and married (usually your family) will tell you this because they are wistful that they got married at 21 and have now been divorced at least once because they really, probably, weren’t ready to get married at that age. They think everyone should stay single until the age of 30. On the other side of the coin, older women who have never been married (it’s always women) – the “spinster” – who is still single and repellent to men will tell you to “have fun” not realizing that everyone laughs at her behind her back for still acting like she is 23 and prowling on younger men.

But the problem is that one day in the not-so-distant future, if you continue on this fun-having trajectory, you will wake up 35 and unmarried, still “having fun” but probably with several missed chances at love and maybe marriage because you “didn’t want to be tied down” or you “weren’t ready”. But at 35, you won’t be nearly as pretty or cute, and you’ll be reduced to dating sleazy 65 year old men with two marriages under their belt. When is anyone ever ready for anything? It’s best to keep your sails clean, so to speak, and be prepared.

Really, I don’t understand why people emphasize the need to “have fun” so much. You know what I think is fun? Drinking bloody marys and eating Haagen Dazs ice cream all day and watching “Pride and Prejudice” on repeat. But you know why I don’t do that? Because I have to work, and because having that kind of fun will probably make me fat and sick and be completely unproductive. It’s an excellent analogy for what “having fun” in the dating world will get you.

PUTTING IT AWAY

Every week I get really interested in one pop-culture/celebrity news item. This week, it’s Christie Brinkley’s philandering husband. Now, aside from the fact that his 19-year-old lover is a full-on hottie and probably DCB’s ideal girl, I started thinking about how good men are at compartmentalization.

Most women can’t just cheat on their partners and maintain a normal life besides. For a woman, cheating is rarely just about sex and more about love – how many women cheat and then want to stay in their marriage? But for men, the two are completely separate. Men like Bill Clinton can be gettin they freak on with chubby sluts during the day and still go home and act like husbands to their ball-buster wives at night. And it causes men considerably less mental stress to cheat than it does women, which explains how a guy like Brinkley’s husband can be sexing and obsessing about another vagina and his wife can have no idea. For the man, an affair need not be all-consuming; he can push it to a far corner of his brain whenever necessary. The ability to compartmentalize may well be a requisite for truly great men; just look at all the serial philanderers who’ve been able to separate their personal and professional lives to such a degree that their accomplishments outweigh their horrid record on relationships.

If you liken love to a war – a battlefield, even? no? – the example becomes clearer. Just like men are able to put feelings aside to kill others in the name of the cause, they’re able to forget about their lives as husbands in order to get some tail. This is something women will never understand.

POWER OF OBSERVATION

One of the best ways to improve your game is to hone your powers of observation. After reading First Date DC and listening to hundreds, maybe thousands, of conversations about the opposite sex, I’m starting to believe that one of the biggest obstacles is simple self-absorption. People are simply too wrapped up in themselves to pay attention to what’s going on around them, and they’re missing a glance, a movement, or an interaction that could be key to understanding. They’re too much in their own head to make objective judgements.

Being a good observer is almost like being psychic because you can tell what people are thinking and what they’re going to do before they do it. Let me give you an example. Last week on the metro home from meeting the new intern, I was reading a magazine while waiting for the train. There was a man pacing the platform. I looked up from my mag once and noticed this, and then, even without looking up again, I knew he was checking me out. As soon as I got on the train, he sat in the seat next to me even though there were plenty of empties elsewhere. I kept reading but I could tell he was going to talk to me. I played along and shut the magazine and about 1.5 minutes later he struck up a conversation. Luckily, I was prepared.

What you have to do is learn to take it all in. One blogger who’s really good at this is Virgle Kent – his observation is so minute it actually makes me a little uncomfortable. Watch how people interact and always keep the corner of your eye open for what else is going on in the room. If you’re fixating on talking to your friend, you’re missing the hottie checking you out (and missing the chance to act on it). Too busy thinking about how the person you’re talking to is really ugly and you’ll miss an interesting moment a few feet away. This is where learning to shut up and watch is going to give you an unmistakable edge that allows you to not only anticipate the next few seconds, but actually plan for the minutes, hours, etc. ahead.

SENSITIVITY CHIP

Recently a man I’m dating asked me to please be more careful of what I say and to stop word-vomiting because I sometimes vomit up things that he takes the wrong way and hurt his feelings. People who know me know that they can disregard about 50% of everything I say because it’s not actually meant to be heard by other people. I keep forgetting that other people aren’t like this and need to be warned in advance because they are big fat babies.

I say mean things all the time and I don’t feel badly about it. If I think something is funny, I’m going to say it before I consider who may get offended by it. And that’s a problem. Not just for me, but what happens when you’re acting out a behavior that is second-nature to you, and which is probably annoying or rude or whatever to others? And nobody bothers to call you on it, so you just never conduct a self-examination? And then you just turn into this monster that other people hate but love at the same time? People are rewarding your blunt behavior and it just sort of takes over. You leave a trail of butt-hurt people who cry to others about how “mean” or “inconsiderate” you are. Aren’t we all adults?

I don’t think it’s so wrong to receive honesty from people, especially the ones you date. Even if you don’t like what they tell you, you should be open to the possibility of trying to look at yourself objectively and figure out what the problem might be on your end. It’s also nice to deliver honesty once in awhile. If someone drives you crazy with a particular behavior (especially one that appears to be make-or-break), politely telling them about this problem may well end it, saving you both some major hassle. They might tell you to go to hell, but if it’s a rare wise person, they’ll thank you eventually. Otherwise, if you do nothing to help yourself, you really have no room to carp about others.

THE FINICKY CLIMAX

Sounds like a kicky little Miramax movie, doesn’t it? It’s not. The finicky climax is the bane of womankind’s existence.

Any woman who tells you they climax every time they have sex is lying. If you are one of these women who makes such an outrageous claim, then please bottle your mojo, sell it, and put it on a shelf, because I want some of that.

I only experience a success rate of about 50 percent. Now, before you go spouting off your machismo about what you could do to me, or how I’ve never been with a real man, or how I just need to relax, or some other such BS, I will give you a pre-emptive HA! YEAH RIGHT!

Just like every meal I eat is not going to be INCREDIBLY AWESOME, every sexing I have is not going to produce the best result. Men, I’m telling you, if your woman isn’t getting off every time, unless there appears to be a significant hang-up, just let it go. It should come as no surprise to you that women and men have different needs, and often a woman can enjoy having sex without climaxing. So quit hassling them about it!

I’ve had one guy accuse me of having some sort of sexual dysfunction because I couldn’t come with him. The reason I couldn’t come with him was because he was very small, but that’s beside the point. He put so much pressure on me to climax, probably to fulfill his own hyper-inflated ego, that it completely turned me off and I thought he was a total weirdo. Additionally, there’s been the problem of coitus interruptus where I’ve had to “have a talk” about why I hadn’t climaxed the previous few times. Well, I don’t fucking know, and I was really enjoying myself before we stopped, so thanks a lot for annoying the hell out of me. If I say that I can’t come every time, then that means please accept it as fact and deal with it. Nothing is going to change the situation (which I am perfectly comfortable with) so if it’s that much of a problem for you, then you can, well, go fuck yourself!

KNOKT-UP

Something that gives me the sweats every time I think about it is accidentally getting pregnant.

I know several friends who have all been impregnated – “accidentally” although I have my doubts about a couple of them – one was married first, three weren’t married but are getting/got married, and the last two were in one of those situations where the father wants nothing to do with the mother or the child. Some of these women were drinking and using drugs up until a few days before they realized they might be pregnant; some had only been dating the father for a few months.

This makes me wonder. I mean, we all grew up in the same town and got abstinence-only sex ed, but come on. Who leaves things up to chance these days? “Oh, well, maybe I just won’t get pregnant!” Do you know how nature works?

The most interesting part of all this is that in many of these cases, the baby is forcing some unwanted changes on the couple. I mean, obviously there’s a time to grow up and stop acting like a kid, but getting married for the sake of a baby when neither of you has a job (or the guy doesn’t have a job and you’ll be paying for everything) doesn’t seem to make the most sense to me.

Birth control can get expensive if you don’t have insurance – and even if you do – thanks, insurance companies who cover the full cost of an ED drug! – but it’s certainly cheaper than having a child. Women shouldn’t have to rely on the man to provide the goods, but why so many women are sexing it up without a backup plan is beyond me.

Don’t think that I’m accusing these women of making a mistake. I’m not. I’m happy for most of them, if they’ll be happy having a child and getting married. And maybe there’s something wrong with me for shuddering at the thought of having kids. But I can’t even take care of a plant, I’m not even remotely interested in looking at baby things or seeing children’s movies (I call them “cartoons”), and I’ve never babysat a day in my life.

So call me old-fashioned, but I think when a woman gets knocked up and has to make major lifestyle changes that she may not be ready to make, that’s just as much her fault, if not more, than her partner’s. But maybe an accidental pregnancy is what some people need to make them grow up. Or maybe situations like these are what explain the incredibly irresponsible parents around these days.