I’m currently working on the second shirt which I’d like to release early in July. Here is the shirt’s image:

(Ironically this was designed by a woman.)

I thought my caption of “Don’t Marry American” was a lock, but now I’m having doubts. I think I want it to be more an assault on marriage than just American women. Other ideas:

-Don’t Get Married
-Don’t Marry
-Get A Pre-Nup (Credit: Cookie)
-Save Money For Hookers
-Your Future Wife

They are all so good… I don’t know which one to pick. If you come up with something better and I use it, I’ll send you the first shirt for free.


  1. me

    Riiight since all men stay so attractive as they age, whether they stay single or get married. Considering that there are are significant number of men in their late twenties and thirties with beer guts and receeding hair lines talking about the good ole days banging college girls when they were undergrads, maybe you need to reconsider your assumption that time stands still for me. Two words: COMB OVER. For a signifincant number of men, its coming whether they like it or not.

  2. ribald

    dude definitely keep it “don’t marry american” — your initial instinct is so spot on it’s uncanny. as a guy who’s a bit more international and cultured than the regular beta-male idiot who gets a hard-on for shitty sugary shot night at tom tom club, I know that genetically, american women are the absolute worst of the world lot. fat, spoiled, fat, arrogant, fat, dimwitted, fat, ignorant, fat, poorly styled, fat, conversationally stunted, fat, culturally illiterate, fat — did i mention fat? you will rarely find these qualities in prime women from other countries. ever been to a world bank/imf party and seen how ridiculously hot and fun the talent is compared to the red, white, and blue skanks you see packing local 16 on any given night? i’ve been through south america, canada, western and eastern europe, asia, and i’m hitting the middle east soon. outside the U.S., EVERYWHERE i go the women are hot, smart, fit, fun, unpretentious, and actually enjoy it if you say hello, talk, drink, dance, smile, and have fun around them. if it weren’t for the temporary phase of my career that keeps me momentarily grounded here in the states, i’d gladly be on virgin upper class relocating for good to another stable democracy of my choice. hear that jill, lisa, taylor, or whatever the hell your whitetrash midwest name is? now gotta get back to my chilled vodka — IMPORTED vodka at that.

  3. Roissy

    marriage – it does a body bad
    marriage means keeping up your end of the bargain
    pump, plump, and dump
    vows lead to cows

  4. oface

    How about “My Wife comes with padding” or “My Wife comes with a air bag”…….or “Lose your beauty” or “My wife wants a matching stomach for her ass” or “My wife hates being cold” or ” Fast food is killing me” or “Craig Jenny” or “I support Celibacy”

  5. Pagan Marbury

    My favorites are:

    pump, plump, and dump
    Get a prenup
    Unhappily ever after

    “Don’t marry american” might hurt your sales to guys who do like american girls who might otherwise have bought the shirt. I don’t know if you are in this for money but it’s a consideration.

  6. RyanD

    Evolution of Marriage
    Marital Darwinism
    Yes, I’m a little shallow.
    They Plump when you marry them
    Married Women stop Exercising
    Reason #425 not to ever say ‘i do’

  7. TC the Terrible

    Diamonds ? they make women fat.
    Wives end up looking like their mothers.
    Kids are calories too.
    Play now, pay later.
    Wives are shade in the summer, warmth in the winter.

  8. South of DC

    1) front: They plump when you pump them
    back: I pump and dump

    2) This is what happens when she let’s you do anal

  9. Anonymous

    Gee, I wonder if any of you young child-men ever wonder if men talked this was about your mothers, sisters, aunts, etc.

    From the way you describe us American women, you’d think we were ALL the same, ALL the time. Talk about generalizing. The fact is Mr Ribald can only judge what he has experienced in his universe of women, which I am SURE does not include the ENTIRE global population of women. Mr. Ribald, I suggest you pick up better American women, rather than writing them all off. I guess that takes too much effort. Hmmm.. I wonder if all American men are lazy….

  10. Anonymous

    Some of the lines that reference a woman getting fatter after marriage would work a lot better if there was a diamond ring on the woman’s hand. I’m not talking rhinestones embossed on the shirt or anything, but…

  11. Anonymous

    I totally agree with this post. Married women generally let themselves go. I bet all the guys who chimed in have fat mothers themselves though. However, men go bald and can’t get their dicks hard, so things even out. I am and will remain the first picture, not because of men but because I am so completely vain, I enjoy checking out my hot body. Whatever, fat people are disgusting, they eat like pigs and don’t exercise. Therefore, fat people are also stupid, because they spend all their time trying to figure out how to lose weight, when they need to just stop eating and start working out.

  12. Pagan M.

    Some of these are f-ing brilliant! Chalk up more votes for:

    Evolution of Marriage
    Diamonds ? they make women fat.
    Play now, pay later.
    It?s not just her mother

  13. Anonymous

    If I could come up with/and sell a shirt about how I seek European men because American men don’t know how to administer good cunninlingus, I would make millions!

  14. Sweatpants

    I like it as it is, without a caption. You should try selling the shirts with caption and without. But if I had to pick one, I like “A diamond adds 50 pounds” best.

  15. Lonnie Bruner

    That design is also great because as the woman gets fatter, her hair gets shorter. So true. When women get older, for some reason they think that they’ll look better with short hair. What the fuck. So nothing goes with back fat and a gut like a haircut like man?

  16. Joe

    C’mon, Deceeb. Your original title of “Don’t Marry American” was perfection. (BTW, I’m headed to the Ukraine next month to hook up with a hot 6′, 145 lb. volleyball player….)

  17. imstilldreaming

    I got engaged in January and I actually amped up my workouts since then and am now currently in the best shape of my life. I’m not stupid, I know he can always take it back. 😉 But really, we want to look good for each other because we love each other. It’s not that hard to figure out. I work from home, and I COULD sit around in my pajamas all day and stuff my face. Instead, I work out, eat well, and make sure that I look nice when he comes home. I am an American woman, but laziness is not acceptable in my book.

  18. Sweatpants

    Oh snap, I just now realized what it should be:

    “American Beauty”

    The original of “Don’t marry American” isn’t witty enough. It’s too sentence-like, and the phraseology is bad although I like the sentiment of it.

  19. DCB Post author

    Lots of good ones here. This is going to be a very tough decision.

    Because of the way the image is set up, as a progression of one woman, the tag should have something that lets people know this is the same woman. Otherwise a caption like “American Beauty” is very clever.

  20. Andres Martinez

    Your anti-american women I don’t think is shared or understood by enough people to be effective. I think a lot of people won’t get it if you go with that.

    Women getting fat after getting married and having kids is universal.

  21. ribald

    hmmm… maybe if you put a graphic of a right-pointing arrow after the first and second images, that may help convey the idea that this is the same woman?

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