Category: Miscellaneous

DEBBIE DOWNERS MAKE BABY JESUS CRY

Today’s post is late courtesy of martinis and the letter D, for “drinking” and “dry heaves”.

This has been a really negative two weeks. I feel like every post and comment is Negative Nelly. Even yesterday at work everyone was totally grouchy. What’s happening?

Last weekend I went to Hotlanta, and while it’s pretty fucking great (although I did not get to see Usher or Ludacris, and actually I am pretty upset about that), it got me thinking about all the things I like about DC. I’ve been here a little over a year so this post is both timely and appropriate.

-As much as I bitch about the S1/S2/S4 being late, the fact is, WMATA is a bastion of efficiency compared to other cities that don’t even bother to tell you how long until the next train is, or allow 45 minutes to pass between trains with no explanation. I bet the regular old people who drive the bus and the metro and those little station guys have to deal with ridiculous bullshit on a daily basis, so I’ll stop my complaining right now.

-Also, if your bus is late, you can just walk. It takes me 30 minutes to walk from the Cheights (Columbia Heights) to Georgetown, and I don’t have to walk across a major freeway, which is pretty miraculous. Once, I walked from the Cheights to Courthouse – yes, in Arlington – and it took me an hour and twenty minutes, which was really fun.

-DC is as dressy or as casual as you want it to be. Shit, you can go out in a suit or in your fat jeans and flip flops and nobody cares. I debated wearing sweatpants to dollar beer tonight on Wednesday, but even I have my limits.

-Ease in going elsewhere. You want more fun outside the city? There’s the beach in VA and Delaware, there’s Annapolis and Baltimore, and it’s only 3 or 4 hours to New York – which itself offers at least three transportation options just to get there. Unbelievably great! Do you know there are whole states where you have to drive in a car for three hours and at the end you’re only in Dallas? Boring!

-The food. You know, before I moved here I ate all the time at La Madeleine and Macaroni Grill. That’s no way to spend a life. There’s hardly any chain restaurants in this town (the District proper) so you have to get more adventurous with your eating habits, or even learn to cook, which I did. Pupusas, Ethiopian food, falafel, all of it is delicious.

-Oh yeah, and street festivals. Those things kick ass. The best is when you don’t know that the street festival is coming up, and then you’re like, oh hey! A street festival! I’ve been craving some of that chicken that they make! And crafty items! In this vein too are the “Taste of …” events, something I had never even heard of before I moved here.

-Sexing. For all the talk about dating this and dating that, you can get laid pretty easily if you want.

That’s all I have, mainly because I can’t think very clearly right now.

YOU’RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

I go away for just a few weeks and DCB goes soft. Haters, where are you? This man needs a kick to the balls. You let him go gay, and then monogamous?!

Did I not teach you one thing, DCB?

Cum on! Spring is in the air … the bees are buzzing and the notches are waiting for in line for your bedpost. It’s almost shorts season for crying out loud! Please tell me you’ve got more game than this sappy slack.

Wake up, man! Get your testosterone on!

I’M THE INTERN

Ladies: Hi. and Gentlemen: Hello.

I’m DCB’s new intern. I can only hope to bring you an ounce of the doubtless pounds of joy he gives your lives. Oh, and haters? To you, I say, brang it.

I’ll be picking the week’s top coolest stuff – links, videos, etc. – so you can win the respect of your peers when you send a hilarious video or reference some totally hot piece of gossip. Don’t pretend like you’re above pop culture; embrace it.

MySpace: the Movie. Amusing, if a bit long. The opening sequence slays me!

A parody of the O.C., which yes I will admit I still watch (but mainly for the outfits!). So hysterical. Also, is everyone as obsessed with YouTube as I am?

411 is lame, and if you’re not using Google SMS by now, you should be.

An interesting article (that I’m sure DCB will love) from Slate about how women who stay at home, rather than working, are happier. So… if it makes you happy to work, work, and if it makes you happy to stay home, stay home, and shut up already.

One of the best Gawker quotes ever: “Teri Hatcher never had to testify against her uncle who sexually abused her, so why would she come forward and spill the story to Vanity Fair, apropos nothing? Because of George Clooney, that?s why! Captain Sexy gave Hatcher the fuck-n-run, and she had no choice but to go to VF with an unrelated, attention-grabbing story. Don?t we all deal with break-ups like that?”

He hopes Britney isn’t pregnant again, but I do! Famous people who also happen to be batshit loony are the best.

And finally, DCB (a.k.a. The Boss) gets to launch a polemic against the Academy. And you know what? He’s justified. When I watched the movie on my Netflix, it was a total letdown. Best part is when Terrence Howard shows Luda what’s what.

If you’re wondering why there’s nothing from local DC blogs on this list, I’ll tell you: nothing really struck my fancy. Game on, bloggers!

NO WAIT … I NEED THE INTERN

OK, OK … DC Bachelor says he needs an intern … aka wingchick. Hey, Bachelor! Thought I was your wingchick?! Oh, I’m gonna start some drama!

:popcorn:

OK, OK. Well, I guess we all have the right to hire interns a.k.a. legal slaves. BUT, Bachelor Man – you know that if anyone needs an intern, it’s me.

I am so busy that I cannot even remember when it is time to order my groceries – until Mr. Outlook alerts me. And then I have to schedule a time to order my groceries, using my phone’s alarm as a reminder. An intern could do that.

Here’s my ad:

DUTIES

– Open doors for me, drive me around and buy me flowers.
– Order my groceries (it’s easy, Peapod has pictures)
– Massage my feet, hands and legs
– Make Starbucks runs
– Carry my laptop bag for me (to and from work)
– Walk me home from yoga class
– Make sure the maid comes when she’s supposed to come
– Jog with me, in an effort to make sure that my ipod clippy thing does not fail
– Escort me to events, holding my hand when I see an ex-boyfriend
– Help me turn my fireplace on. This baby is ready to go, but I am afraid to press the button

DESIRED CHARACTERISTICS

Looking for someone 18-22 years old. The intern must be male (or female if we can figure out how to make sure our menstrual cycles do not sync up — that would be a total disaster). Fluency in English, Spanish and French preferred (so he can understand me when I am cursing). And candidates that like to pick up dry cleaning win extra bonus points.

COMPENSATION / ROOM & BOARD

The intern must be willing to live with me for two months (he will get his own bedroom and bathroom, of course). I will pay for lunches (since we will be working together). And I will give him money for beer, food or whatever interns need.

What is the educational aspect of this internship you ask? Well – duh! He gets to learn all about me!

QUESTION: Is today’s college student the working slave of tomorrow?

BANDWIDTH THIEF

The web site of a Mexican radio station is stealing my bandwidth by puttting up a picture of Juanes that is hosted on my server. This means I can change that picture to whatever I want and it will show up on their front page. I’m not going to be evil and put up something like porn, but I would like to discourage them from doing this in the future.

I decided on a picture that is funny but slightly believable at the same time. So I changed this:


Hot Juanes

…to this:


Bumblebee guy from The Simpsons

Here’s a screenshot of how their site looked before.

And here it is now (in case they take it down, here’s a screenshot). The Bumblebee guy is next to text that says, “The station of love.”

:drama:

Happy President’s Day!