“Complete the sentence: ‘I’m not gay, but…’ ”

I’m not gay but I’ve grabbed male thigh, crotch, and ass. I’ve checked out guys packages at the gym (for comparison purposes). I’ve been hit on and touched in the gym while naked. I hang out with guys who like to joke around and touch my thigh and crotch. Lastly, I turned down guaranteed sex from a portly Wisconsin girl during Spring Break 2002.

This morning someone commented that I was in the St. Patrick’s day spirit with a green t-shirt and part-green sweatshirt. I look down, think for 5 seconds (it was early) and realize that I was wearing a lot of green. Bold green. “Fuck, if I knew it was St Patrick’s Day I wouldn’t have worn this.” I was doing so well this year by being anti-society but I had to blow it today.

I hate St Patrick’s Day because of the Irish Bar, and on this day everyone wants to go to one. WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A PLACE FILLED WITH DRUNK WHITE PEOPLE AND THE STENCH OF VOMIT AND BEER? WHY???

As you get older you start to associate anything Irish with vomit. It’s simple: Irish people - and Irish bar fans - drink so much that they eventually vomit and then smell like vomit. And then they vomit in your car, promising to clean it up but they never do, leaving you with a car smelling like vinegar (the cleaning instructions said vinegar but you thought triple the vinegar would be better). And then you put baking soda to neutralize the vinegar, creating a white paste that stays on your car seat for weeks. God that sucked.

Okay I found the site where everyone gets their Britney Spears paparazzi photos from:

The Britney Zone

Many sites take from that photo gallery without crediting to make it seem like they have some operative in the field. It’s all good, because I’m going to do it right now:

Okay now I’m supposed to make fun of her…

Eww look at that handbag. What IS she thinking to go out in public like that? She’s on a terrible downward spiral, someone needs to do something.

But seriously, when did pet rats get so popular?

A great low-tech way of taking down notes, ideas, and quotes are using those cheap memo books you get at the office store. They fit nicely in any jean back pocket and make you feel important, like a reporter on the beat. It takes me about a month or two to go through one, and I store them all for future reference (for some day when I write a movie and need jokes). Here’s a sample page with cool 3D zoom-in effect:

Bonus points if you can read under that. Only thing is you need to carry a pen at all times.

Two unrealistic characters + two ugly chicks + one dumb plot = Oscar-worthy movie???

No.

I’m convinced this is the critic’s practical joke of the year. Lets all hype this movie and watch the sheep fall in love with it!

Ugh. I want my $11.25 back.

Dunkin’ Donuts is trying to out-Starbucks Starbucks by rolling out more white-collar items, such as soy milk latte’s and whole wheat donuts.

As its chief executive officer, Jack Shafer, boasted in 1998, “Our average customer would be as likely to pull up in a BMW or Lexus as they would be to pull up in a pickup truck or on foot.”

I guess he’s never actually been TO a Dunkin’ Donuts. The nearest one to me is so popular with street kids that there is always a police car parked outside “patrolling” the store.

Dunkin’ Donuts will never realize its dream of attracting a Starbucks crowd because of one reason: the smell. If you go inside for just five minutes you walk out smelling like a cross between a vat of grease and a yellow cake. At least they are better then Krispy Kreme, whose regular donuts are so small and hollow that my 18 month old brother can eat three of them for breakfast.