Category: Absurd

HOLIDAY TIP: DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ

I realized this evening that some people aren’t very smart.

They take things they read and hear as fact. They actually think that everything I write is factual (ha!). Their big egos pump them up, and they think they’re being targeting by my posts. I mean, I could repost something from another blog that I did not write … and I would get emails from people whining, “Why are you making fun of me???”

They must be the idiots that actually read those Nigerian scam emails. They must really think that organ thieves are plotting to steal their kidneys. Ha … I bet they even forward chain emails to all of their friends, hoping for miracles within 24 hours.

Advice for the holiday season: Don’t believe everything you read. And, while you’re at it … don’t believe everything you hear. Oh — and, don’t drink the eggnog.

GUTTERSLUTS, HOUSEWIVES & SECRETARIES

Some people are really stupid. I, on the other hand, am not.

It took me about three seconds to recognize D.C. gutterslut-stalker’s comments on my last post, TOP TEN WAYS TO SPOT A POSEUR.

Guess I struck a nerve. She must think I was talking about her poseur ways.

This girl has been posting nasty comments on DCB’s site lately. And, I’ve seen her comments on other blogs in the past. I’d recognize her words from 100 servers away.

She calls herself a “veteran to the D.C. scene,” but that is just short for “old and out of the loop.” Now, all she really does is sit around, trolling in the blogosphere from work. It’s weird, if you ask me.

And, judging from her comments, I do not see how she gets any work done. I guess that’s why she’s making the big bucks – not.

She writes things about me, tries to act like she knows the details of my life. But she does know anything. She only knows what my ex tells her, and what she reads in my posts.

I imagine that she is one of these gutterslut-spinsters turned sad housewives. Now, she is upset that she is married, barefoot, poor and pregnant. I imagine that she is a very miserable.

From what I’ve heard, she sits around all day, calling people on the phone, saying things like, “did you hear what so-and-so did?” … as she eats everything in sight like a starved Metro rat.

I guess this must be what most secretaries and housewives do all day … chew gum, eat Krispy Kreme donuts, talk to friends, post to blogs.

But here is what I wonder: Why would some herpes-laden parasitic troll care about me, the D.C. scene or DCB’s dating habits? Is she really so unhappy with herself that she has to pick on people she doesn’t even know?

Is she a desperate housewife? Or, is she a closet lesbian that secretly wants to have my baby?

Whatever it is, I am embarrassed for this trollop. And, I feel sorry for her unborn son. Geesh, that kid is going to be one f’ed up little imp. What did he do in a former life to deserve this woman as a mother?

If you saw this woman at a social event, you’d never know. But look a little deeper, and you would find a sad, slattern hiding behind that ‘Blue Steel’ pose, fake pearls, ‘gently worn’ Jimmy Choo shoes from ebay, and that nice “vintage” (aka Goodwill) dress. Why the get-up? Why the take the time? Why is she trying to look like someone she’s not? Why isn’t she happy being herself?

It’s pathetic.

And, it’s one example of a poseur in action.

NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez is my hero. Our county has a GDP per capita that is 800% higher than Venezuela, yet Chavez is donating heating oil to us and calling it “humanitarian aid”. But but we’re the richest country in the world!

Chavez has sold the discounted oil in two U.S. markets, New York and Massachusetts. Citizens Energy Corp., a Boston-based nonprofit cooperative, bought 12 million gallons at a steep discount after U.S. oil companies ignored its written plea for help. Similar oil deals are in the works for other parts of New York and some New England states.

But on the second snow day in the Bronx, where scrawled graffiti warns pedestrians of rats, fleas and maggots, it did not escape the notice of tenants that a foreign government stepped in after Congress did not.

Let’s see what else is in the news today… House Passes 3 Tax Cuts, Plans a 4th.

Some moderate Republicans have expressed misgivings about those cuts, which overwhelmingly benefit affluent investors, especially as Congress moves to cut programs for the poor in the name of deficit reduction.

Last month’s budget-cutting bill would save $50 billion over five years by imposing new fees on Medicaid recipients, trimming the food stamp rolls, squeezing student lenders and cutting federal child support enforcement.

In summary, Chavez moves to serve the poor of Venezuela and the United States, while our government moves to cut services to its own poor while simuatenously cutting taxes for the rich. Politics as usual.

Related: Republican framed headlines.

CRASH AND BURN

Quite a few people I know have recommended the movie Crash. I netflixed it and I must say that I am stunned that so many people I respect enjoyed this horrible tripe. The movie is supposed to be a no-holds barred look at racism in a handful of LA residents who experience or perform it daily. These characters do not have a single conversation that is racist-free throughout the entire movie. And it’s not the subtle racism that you have to take a minute to think about, but it’s the obvious, tired racist themes that are played out in redneck circle-jerks.

Situations I’m sure you’ve never seen before:

1. White cop pulls over a black man in a big SUV and gives him and his wife a hard time. White cop has a rookie partner who doesn’t agree with his tactics.

2. Rich white woman gets scared of black guys on the sidewalk, and then gets jacked by the same black guys.

3. Persian FOB shop-owner with thick accent has trouble understanding simple English words, like the difference between door and lock.

4. Hispanic man with tattoos looks like a gangbanger but is actually a father with a heart of gold. (Usually this character is played by a prostitute.)

5. Chinaman with funny accent has ten immigrants locked up in his van.

The movie tries to get all Seinfeld on us by elegantly merging the different stories together. Problem is that there is no elegance! (Go and Magnolia did it much better.) The racist white cop ends up running into the black man’s wife the next day. At about the same time, the black man gets rob by the black guys. The Persian shop owner tries to kill the Hispanic man for bad service, who also got a complaint from the rich woman the day before. One of the black guys is accidentally killed by the rookie cop, who isn’t a racist. OH THE IRONY! Oh yeah, one of the black guys accidentally runs over the chinaman!!! They drop him off at the hospital, and we learn that his wife (who pronounces all l’s as r’s) later rear-ends the white girlfriend of a black cop whose car thief brother it is that got killed. There is more… it is just so retarded.

The movie is trying to send the message that you are seeing the world through racist eyes, but they are playing out the EXACT SAME STEREOTYPES THAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO AVOID. Not a single black character in the movie is portrayed positively. And the number of hilarious accents alone has given me plenty of material for the next lame house party I attend.

The movie ends when everyone realizes they are huge assholes and are no longer racist:

1. The car thief – the one that didn’t get killed by the rookie cop – sets out on a path of goodwill. We assume he enrolled into college.

2. The racist white cop saves a black woman’s life and realizes he shouldn’t be a racist anymore, as his dad cries on the toilet (I wish I was making this up).

3. The rich white woman realizes that all her yuppie friends are fake, and that her real friend is her housekeeper Rosa, who she yelled at the day before for not emptying the dishwasher.

4. Persian shop owner realizes he made a mistake in trying to kill a man for no reason. No longer a racist against Latinos.

This was one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year, second only to War of The Worlds. You can tell this movie was written by a rich white guy with no experience of racism except for what he watched on Cops as a kid. Oh, this post contains spoilers. Do not read if you haven’t seen the movie.

WAR OF THE WORLDS SUCKS

War of the Worlds is the worst movie I’ve seen all year. It makes Independence Day look like a masterpiece.

1. The tripods were buried in Earth before modern man, “a million years ago”, until the aliens activated them by sending in a pilot and some electricity. So the aliens had tripods on Earth for a million years but didn’t take over, instead letting humans build a society advanced enough to put up resistance? That doesn’t make any sense. Plus the entire invasion strategy was still lame: if I was an advanced alien life-form and decided to invade a planet, I’d probably use some current technology instead of a million year old Star Wars AT-AT walker rip-off.

And the whole thing about using human blood for alien plant fertilizer is laughable. Anyone who knows the composition of blood (0.3% of you) understands why it would make a horrible fertilizer. The Matrix scenario where they keep humans alive is much more believable.

2. The Robbie guy (Cruise’s son) was a douchebag. His father was begging him to run away from the impending doom that awaited them but he wanted to stay and watch some guys shoot guns. THIS ISN’T A VIDEO GAME SON. I was so happy when Cruise let him go to his certain death, only to recoil in disgust when he survived in the end without any injuries. He had some black dirt on him though, so that means he put up a good fight. I love how Tom Cruise’s family seems to have made it pretty well through the whole invasion thing without any casualties, giving me hope for my family in the upcoming apocalypse. I especially wanted that little girl to die so I could be spared of her overacting, though I was a little worried for her when Tim Robbins looked like he was going to molest her.

3. If you planned a million years for an invasion, wouldn’t you consider bringing some food? The end of the movie has the aliens inexplicably leaving the safety of their tripod to go into a basement to get some snacks… SNACKS. (Oh, they also want to take some time out to look at the molester’s photo collection, cause that beats looking at alien photography back home.) What are the odds that human food would satisfy a being from another galaxy? And what’s the deal with that stupid snake camera thing: the best detection method aliens have are a video camera? I mean even the Predator has that heat thermal locater. That basement scene wasn’t even thrilling… you KNEW they weren’t going to get caught because Spielberg can not sleep at night if he doesn’t put a happy spin on even the darkest of movies.

If you actually liked this movie then I got some DVD movie remakes of 80’s TV shows to sell you, with “bonus” features you will only watch once.

ICE CREAM INSANITY

Have you been to an ice cream store lately? Last week I went to a Haagen Daaz in Bethesda to get two single scoop cones (one cone was candy coated). The price: $10.

Let’s think about this for a second… a half-gallon of ice cream at the grocery store is about $4 if you get the one that’s on sale. For another $6 I can get cones, whipped cream, and cherries. For $10 I can throw an ice cream PARTY.

“But don’t you go to Starbucks and pay $4 for a cup of crappy coffee?”

Yes I do, but I also sit down for two hours and check out girls while I read newspapers, magazines, and books for free (Barnes and Noble Starbucks baby). At Starbucks I pay for a lifestyle experience of people watching and making my breath smell like ass, while at an ice cream store I just want some ice cream. And notice how no one actually eats inside an ice cream store, which usually is about the size of the Jiffy Lube waiting room. It’s too much of a risk to sit down at that table in the corner that you know is stickier than that a frat boy’s bedsheets.

DCB Sticky Rating’s:

1. Baskin Robins. What I don’t understand is how they are able to charge prices on par with Ben and Jerry’s when they are the McDonalds of the ice cream world. They share space with Dunkin Donuts for crying out loud. Their ice cream is good but their aggressive tip jar placements make me feel guilty every time I don’t tip, which is all the time. 2 sticky hands out of 4.

2. Haagen Daaz. The Ben & Jerry wannabe’s. Now that we are living in a patriotic conservative state, I think it is appropriate to change the name of this place to something less German, like Happy Days, which is probably what Haagen Daaz stands for anyway. 2 and a half sticky hands out of 4.

3. Ben & Jerry’s. I lube myself up really good when I go here because I know it’s going to hurt at the cash register. Nevertheless, their Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream is more enjoyable than a date with a DC girl. 4 sticky hands out of 4.

These ice cream places don’t need to look farther than the movie theater business to see what happens when you increase prices without increasing the experience.