Category: Awesome

HOUSING CRUNCH III

The Housing Crunch feature has jumped the shark with this third installment. My goal was to make the ad so outrageous that no one would reply, but I underestimated the desperation of people who live in this area.

$50 – Private car-port room rental (Bethesda)

We are renting out the car-port that is attached to our single family home. It is insulated with a tarp and has its own private entrance. It is a large space that can fit almost two cars. Included is a space heater that will keep you warm while you sleep. You will need your own bed. There is one power outlet for things such as alarm clocks and battery chargers.

The tarp easily retracts to allow light to come in. Also we think little “windows” can be cut out of the tarp for a more natural feel. This space is obviously meant for the adventurous renter. The broken motorcycle permanently parked in your room takes very little space. We will ask that you please do not disturb it.

Our neighborhood is extremely safe, but you can still store whatever you like inside, such as jewelry and other valuables. A heavy safe is recommended but not necessary.

I got three replies…

1. Hello, I am an adventurous renter and the price is right. Is it going to be warm at night? Can I use the kitchen a lot? (I like to cook whole foods meals regularly.) I’m also in town from March through the end of May. Would that work? What exactly is your situation – are you guys a family? How would you feel about talking on the phone?

2. I am a single 25yr old Hispanic female looking for a cheap room for rent for me my 4 kids and my sister. About the motorcycle, would it be ok if we hang our clothes on it to dry? can we please use some lawn space to dig a hole to keep our food fresh and use for sanitary reasons. please respond immediately we are being released from INS today. Thanks for your quick response.

3. Is it available furnished?

The first person who responded, a female, sent a follow-up email a few days later.

Hello, I’m writing regarding the car-port rental you’ve posted on Craigslist. I’m very interested! I’m looking to be in the area for a couple of
months to work at a non-profit downtown and like a minimalist set-up. I emailed before, but haven’t heard back. I thought I’d try again. Feel free to call XXX XXX XXXX as I have to travel to use the internet.

Thanks to Kathryn for the tarp idea. Other ideas I’d do if I wasn’t bored with this:

1. Tent in the backyard.
2. Weather-proof treehouse.

IT BROKE THE SKIN

There is a very real possibility that the man our Vice President shot may die. 78-year old Whittington had a heart attack today, three days after getting “peppered” by a shotgun blast to the face. How bitter would you be if you lived a long and successful life to only get shot by the Vice President of the United States.

Daily Show had a good time with it.

Get a blowjob by a fat intern: impeachment
Shoot a man in the face with a shotgun: joke about it

There are unintentionally funny comments over at C&L about how the guy is already dead and the White House is trying to get their cover story right.

Postscript:

User comment from Washington Monthly:

-I hear that a newly created group calling itself Quail Hunt Veterans for Truth is preparing an ad claiming that Whittington’s wounds were self-inflicted….

HOUSING CRUNCH II

If people are willing to live in a laundry room, I wondered what else they would live in. So I took the troll a step further with this ad:

$60 – Large walk-in closet for rent

We are 4 professionals (2 girls and 2 guys) living in a very spacious house. We have a huge walk-in closet downstairs outside living areas that is being used for storage. You can fit a twin bed in there and probably a small nightstand. We can power your closet with some extension cord.

You are free to use the living room to hang out, where we have a large television with cable. This space is best for someone who doesn’t stay at home much, and literally just needs a bed to crash. We have two very nice cats, but they will not bother you if you close your closet door. We did some tests with a metal bar so you can definitely “lock” your door for full privacy. Obviously there is limited storage space.

You will share a bathroom with 3 other people. Utilities are included. Fifteen minute walking distance to Grosvenor metro, safe neighborhood, plenty of street parking.

Unfortunately for society, I got more responses than for the laundry room. I saved the best one for last.

1. hi i was wondering if this was still available. if you can could you please email me pics of it or email me more info i really need somewhere. thanks!

2. I was born in oklahoma, but i was brougth up in Spain. I moved to spain 20years ago after the death of my father… [complete life history]… I am sincerely interested in the room as advertised and i will aslo like to ask some question about the room.

3. I’m very interested in renting your closet, but am curious as to what the full arrangement would be. (And curious about whether or not this is for real) First, I would have access to the living room, but would I also have access to the kitchen? Or is it just the living room/closet? Are you guys requesting a security deposit? As for me… I’m 24, and looking for a place to stay for a while until I find an apartment. I’m quiet, and I work three days a week from 9 to 4, and am in school from 9 to 9 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’m quiet, adore cats, and neat.

4. I’ve read your adv. Interested. As I don’t stay much at home, just need a bed. I need to go daily to gaithersburg, so you location is also convenient. (this guy also asked emailed about the laundry room)

5. If this is ok, let me know when I could come to see it etc. (works at NIH… government salary not enough these days)

6. Hello How are you, well believe it or not this is just perfect for me, I am a 25 year old professional, I work at a law firm downtown, and I am in school. Currently I am working on several business projects, ( so I can be rich : ) ) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am currently moving from where I live now, in hopes of saving money for my endeavors. I am honest, clean, and have a wonderful personality. I also clean houses on the side, and I am a good cook!! Please e-mail me back with more details. (this girl also emailed about the laundry room)

7. I’m not too big on walk-in closets but I was wondering if I could live in your bathroom instead. Any chance I can get a stove in there?

8. I need a place to store 80 kilos of marijuana. I’ll pay you the $60 per month plus all you can smoke. I don’t shower much.

9. Please give me a call at ***. Im a student at a nursing school, single non smoker nor drinker and very much interested in living over there. Give me ur
number or address so I can reach you . Take care

10. Your place sounds great- close to my work and affordable. Email me back if you are interested. Thanks

11. Can we set up a time and date so I can look at it.

12. I am a teacher with good habits and am a non-smoker. I am interested in renting your room if still available. I work in the D.C. area 4 days a week and commute home to NY for the weekends. If all works out, I would be able to move in asap.

I’m really concerned about the two individuals who responded to both the closet and laundry room ads. Imagine how bad it must be for them, sifting through Craigslist and getting all excited when they find barely livable space.

The best email is from a military man…

My name is *** and i am a member of *military branch*. This is no kidding, exactly what I need, I’m never home cause i have a house in WV that I bought in Aug. I don’t have any furniture here, i just rent a room. I’d like to come by and take a look and possibly offer you guys a hundred dollars a month if your serious. This is exactly what I have been searching for. I have a small bed already and would love to do this. Please let me know if this is still available.

PS I’m not weird, I’m very nomal and would love to meet ya!

He follows up with another email!

Wanted to include a picture of myself to see if you thought i was closet worthy,

Thanks for your time and I really hope this works out.

He included a picture of him with a very attractive young woman. I feel bad for him because he is obviously very into the closet, but if it’s any consolation for him he would have definitely got it.

One of my friends recently posted an ad for his room in the Maryland suburbs. He posted it twice. Responses… 4. As for my two post response tally for meager living conditions: 21+ and counting.

Postscript 2/17/06: I’ve received an additional eight responses to the closet space, including one person who emailed me a third time, begging for a response…

I swear this is the last email. I wont bother you guys anymore. I am just VERY VERY interested in renting this room. PLease let me know if you guys rented.

The funny military man also did not want to give up…

Well, if he turns up the offer let me know, that would have rocked! Of Course, everymorning I would have felt like I was, “coming out of the closet”. Thanks for the reply and seriously let me know if it can ever workout.

HOUSING CRUNCH I

Whenever I do laundry in my house I always wonder if someone would pay to live in the laundry room for the right price. Though it is dark and uninviting, the space is huge. So I posted an ad on Craigslist.

$200 – Gigantic laundry room for rent

We have a HUGE laundry room that is going unused in our single family house. No carpet, but much natural lighting. The walls are concrete so you making noise is not a problem. The only inconvenience is that we do laundry about 6 hours a week, but we are willing to adjust to your schedule. You share an upstairs bathroom with one other person.

Who are we: 3 professionals, ages 26-35. We are looking for a male or female with no pets.

I’m sure people wouldn’t want to live in a laundry room. Wrong. I got three responses.

1. I’ve read you adv. Is it furnished for a person to live in? does it have a window?

2. Hello, I am a 24 year old female who is in need of a place to stay. I have been here for almost 3 weeks. I am easy going so a little laundry a few hours a week will not bother me. Do you require a security deposit? and how much are the utilities a month? Thank you for your time.

3. hi how are you, i read your craigslist post and was wondering how i get in contact with you so i can come check out the place, look forward to hearing from you. thanks

These people seem very friendly. If I owned the house I would have no problem renting out the laundry room. I bet I can get $300 a month for it. Hmm I wonder if…

(Part 2 tomorrow)

Postscript: More responses…

4. Hey I’m beyond interested…can you give me your addr. and number…my work is #

5. Hello, I am just wishing to inquire about the laundry room. Is there any time that would be good for me to come see it? I am very interested.I have just moved to D.C. area and need place as soon as possible. Thank you for your time.

6. Hey. My name is *** and I am looking for a room to rent ASAP. Your room sounds great, as it is affordable and close to my work. Please let me know if you are interested! Thanks so much.

7. Hello How are you, well believe it or not this is just perfect for me, I am a 25 year old professional, I work at a law firm downtown, and I am in school. Currently I am working on several business projects, ( so I can be rich : ) ) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am currently moving from where I live now, in hopes of saving money for my endeavors. I am honest, clean, and have a wonderful personality. I also clean houses on the side, and I am a good cook!! Please e-mail me back with more details. Or call me at ***

8. Hello. I saw the add online about the room. I am a 23 y.o. college student, and I’m interested to move in immediately if the room is available. Thank you

:whoa:

FIRST DATE DC

I think I give the best dating advice in the world. But unfortunately my advice is a bit too abrasive for a mainstream audience (along with my personality). It would be nice if I know a sharp woman to balance out this abrasiveness… to be the yin to my yang. Thankfully, I do know one. So the idea for First Date DC was born, way back in October. And today we are finally open for business.

FDDC will have two main areas. The first is the “He says, she says” dating advice. The second is our e-mail translation service, where we take emails you send us and translate them to their true, hurtful meaning. So stop by, check out the intro post that Kathryn wrote, and let us be a part of the failure that is your dating life.

THE LEGACY OF MORNING WOOD

On the heels of my funny t-shirt retirement, I have decided that the Morning Wood legacy should continue. The experiment to show that I can still pull with an adolescent t-shirt has ended, and I have nothing more to prove with this fine piece of clothing. The legacy includes:

– Getting approached numerous times by girls, including one memorable night where the hottest girl in a mega-club fell for my sense of humor that the shirt helped transcend.

– A few subtle black tar stains from playing with some dirty traffic cones while heavily intoxicated.

– Having intimate relations with a girl I met while wearing the shirt, and then her remembering the shirt on a certain morning after.

To allow the Morning Wood legacy to continue, I’m going to mail this shirt to a male reader. He will add to the legacy, keeping me updated with how the shirt is bettering his life, and then he’ll give it back to me in a year so I can send it to someone else. If you want the shirt (size large), simply post a comment on how you will serve the legacy. Popcorn players please apply, for I will be hesitant to give the shirt to a Dungeons and Dragons basement geek.