On Tuesday I caught one of the first episodes of the new Real World and all I can say is AWESOME.

1. The white frat boy Danny is not too bright. He decides to wander the streets of Austin while drunk, yelling and just being all white guy like, and then proceeds to get knocked the fuck out. The doctor said he needs facial reconstructive surgery… and this is on that second day they are there. WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT!!!

2. I don’t usually go for blonde’s, but the blonde is hot as hell. Holy crap I had a wet dream that night. (Well I hope it was a wet dream.) In scenes from future episodes, we see that she hooks up with the facial reconstructive guy. Talk about rubbing salt on the wound. :sob:

3. The token black guy of the cast is way too nice; he willingly takes more disrespect than telemarketers. The Peruvian got drunk and tried to hit him and he just tries to run away like a little bitch. He’s not going to get any action from the girls (even the pasty white girl who you know no one is going to like).

I love watching Real World because I fantasize about having a life where I don’t have to worry about anything but drinking and hooking up with my roommates. Sucks I’m too old to even apply to be on the show… might as well just kill myself.

I was being considered a possible subject of an upcoming print magazine feature. The lunch was scheduled. Unfortunately, I get an e-mail the same day I FedEx’d the forms back:

…the higher-ups at *** actually got around to looking at your site … and decided that it wasn’t their flavor of ice cream.

Big surprise. Because of this I will be making some changes to the site. Here are things I will be talking more of:

Puppy dogs
Ice cream
My respect of all women
Lovemaking
Fine dining and stylish clothing
Exciting manly things, like rock climbing and mountain biking

This will replace the keepin’ it real mentality that has brought you the utter truth for so long.

The magazine’s circulation: 3+ million and falling. :whip:

My How To Get Free Starbucks post has been the most popular thing I’ve ever written, with over 5,000 views in two weeks. I thought it was kinda funny because the idea for it - which I thought was only mediocre - was sitting in my little memo book for a couple months. There has been a lot of comments about it here and on Starbucks Gossip, and I just came across my favorite one:

Jeez, DC Bachelor, when do we get the primer on how to shoplift and do a dine-and-dash at a restaurant? Oh, and I’ve been thinking about knocking over a liquor store; any pointers?

What an ass.

:laugh:

The irony of all this is that I don’t order coffee from Starbucks anymore; I only get their muffin’s and dessert bars.

On Sunday I was out driving with my sister when I got the sudden craving for a Burger King Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. The first time I saw the Hootie commercial I laughed at its stupidity, but like a fungus it has grown on me. Every time I watch it I fall under a hypnotic spell and can’t stop thinking of Darius Rucker in that cowboy outfit. I plan on trying out the sandwich this weekend, following it down with their delicious textured french fries, fresh out the grease.

Burger King really wants me to have it my way because they’re making big moves in the heart attack business. Check out this 730 calorie breakfast sandwich:

:bow:

Here’s a first quarter rundown of the places that are in and out, according to me:

IN

Fuddruckers
Baja Fresh
Jerry’s Sub - Their steak and cheese is still the best.
Subway

Out:

McDonald’s
Chipotle - I can’t find a person who doesn’t feel like shit after eating their burrito.
Five Guys - Horrible service.
Quiznos

Subway has recently demolished Quiznos’ competitive advantage through the simple addiction of a twenty dollar toaster in their stores. Did Quizno’s really think the toasting-bread-to-hide-it’s-staleness scam was going to last?

- Boondocks Hootie cartoon via Ted Friedman’s Hootie commercial analysis.

The other night while chopping some cilantro for my guacamole mix I couldn’t help but notice my extremely fast chopping speed. It reminded me of when I used to play Nintendo Track & Field with the neighborhood kids. In that game your runners’ speed depends on how fast you are pushing the A and B buttons repeatedly. My downstairs neighbor Adisa, who introduced me to my first porno movie, was amazingly fast and would cream me every time. He was the older kid on the block that would impress you with stories of violence and sex, while making fun of you for being such a loser square with a girly hair-cut.

Sure you can view Chef Peter Hertzmann?s tutorial on how to cut vegetables, but if you just copy him you will never be a great chopper yourself. I recorded my chopping for your viewing pleasure so you can see the greatness in my face as the cilantro flies everywhere.

It tasted great even though it looks like vomit.

VIDEO REMOVED

This is a crazy video of a DEA agent demonstrating gun safety to a class of kids.

Video.

He says, “I’m the only one in this room professional enough to hold this Glock .40…” and then shoots himself. The story.

Bush, Kerry Rocked at Oscars

They finally have a funny host and I missed it…crap.

He likened Bush’s performance as president to working at a clothing store such as the Gap, starting with a surplus, but ending with trillions of dollars in debt.

“Just imagine you worked at the Gap,” Rock continued. “You’re $70 trillion behind in your register and then you start a war with Banana Republic because you say they got toxic tank tops over there.”

“You finally take over Banana Republic and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place.”

The remarks generated laughter and applause from many of those in attendance.

Later in the program, he took a shot at Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry, while he pointed out Oprah Winfrey was in the audience.

“Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her just an hour ago,” Rock joked.

Maybe I’ll have to watch next year.