Category: Culture

HATE THE U.S.? TAKE YOUR BUTT BACK HOME

Some people that come to the U.S. from other countries have major chips on their shoulders.

It bugs the hell out of me when someone that was not born here comes to the United States to live and work, but complains every day about how much the U.S. sucks.

I am not saying that all people from other countries do this, but I am saying that I’ve encountered quite a few that do. And, I am not saying that I dislike people from other countries. I mean, my family comes from all over the place … Ireland, Germany, Italy, Indonesia, England, Scandinavia, France … and then there’s the Native American link. (Yep. I am in a tribe.) :teepee:

In other words … I am not some dumb, fat, gun-toting, racist American. What I am is a fed-up American that hates hearing mean-and-nasties, sitting around and ranting about how Americans are uneducated and fat — as if they have no fat people.

They say we have too many guns. They debate the number of calories in a Big Mac versus a dish from their homeland. They say American men are lazy and that American women do not make good wives. And then, they take it one step further and say that we do not know how to dress. And, they cannot present evidence to back up their claims.

What the hell. Can someone say hypocrites!?! Can someone say ethnocentrics!?

The next time I hear someone that lives here – who does not hold U.S. citizenship – complaining like that without at least one fact to back their claims, well then … I am going to ask them just what the fuck they doing here. Then, I am going to tell them to have a nice cup of shut the fuck up, and to get back on the boat that brought them to Ellis Island.

INDIA TRAVEL HIGHLIGHTS

Before Insomnia went to India for a business trip, I told him stories I heard of the extreme poverty that is unlike anything here. He shrugged it off. Here’s an e-mail I received today:

Subject: Eau De Toilette

Okay you may be asking yourself why my email has that title two reasons. Mumbai/Bombay smells like a toilet. It was a real shock getting to my hotel because it’s not what the pictures depict. The city has a major homeless problem, with thousands and thousands of people living in “shanty towns”. People bath in the sewers while cows and humans take craps in the same water. In the lakes and river its the same story but people fish in this water. In conclusion, it smells like a toilette everywhere. The second reason is that the fragrance on everything is spice. Yes, spice is nice especially with buffalo wings but not as a cologne. The smell of sewage prevented me from eating. Two days and I ate potato chips in my room besides one instance of bad room service.

I guess it’s good that our only major problems in this country is saving up for overpriced clothing or dealing with a messy roommate. I doubt the people of India could ever understand how bottled water here is a multi-billion dollar industry.

UNINTELLIGENT DESIGN

I’m terribly saddened that intelligent design proponents have received so much attention. It doesn’t even matter that they appear negatively in media mentions because they are raising themselves to an “our idea versus your idea” platform that makes intelligent design seem like an alternative. The media has bought into this model, writing headlines such as “New Analyses Bolster Central Tenets of Evolution Theory“, which give the assumption that evolution needed to be bolstered in the first place.



Credit: Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Wikipedia entry).

Next time a church freak gets in your face trashing evolution in favor of intelligent design, I suggest the Neverending Designer approach:

So we were designed by an intelligent being because we are so complex. Well that means that our designer is even more complex, and had to be designed himself. And so on. The loop never ends. In conclusion, you’re an idiot and I can’t wait until you die and find out there isn’t a heaven. Haha, joke’s on you!

It’s not a good idea to get personal.

I HATE BLOGS

I was changing in the gym locker room the other day when it hit me like a sack of red potatoes: blogs are ruining my life.

By the end of college I hardly turned on the TV except for Seinfeld or Simpsons reruns. With all that free time I started reading books on my own free time, something I’ve never done before. I like to think that the several dozen books I read helped me become the knowledgeable man you love reading today. Then two years ago blogs started getting more popular and much of my reading time was shifted to the internet, catching up on the latest celebrity nipple slip or funny video of someone getting severely hurt. I was basically substituting the latest Malcolm Gladwell for People magazine.

The thing that is great about blogs is that reading them doesn’t make you feel like a loser. It’s an active process and you get to pick and choose the information you want to absorb. It’s not like watching TV where you sit there like a zombie and absorb whatever marketers want to throw at you. But unfortunately you still are a loser, because you are dedicating a good portion of your time to gaining trivial knowledge, to becoming a hit at old people’s parties. Blogs sap your will and demotivate you, because why go out and experience the world when you get the world’s knowledge at your fingertips? Other than a few select sites, cutting at least 50% of your blog reading can only improve your life.

REAL MEN DON’T SHAVE

I’ve always hated shaving, one of many things I’ve done on auto-pilot for no particular conscious reason other than it’s something I’m supposed to do. Why do most men perform a daily act that is so anti-skin and anti-man? There are two reasons:

1. Men shave to appear presentable to their boss or manager. A scruffy appearance doesn’t match well with Dockers khakis and a button-down.

2. Men shave to satisfy women. I’ve gotten many complaints from women that my manly stubble irritates their chin, so there was actually a time period where I cared and would shave for them before hot date nights. Obviously this was before I became a real man.

From these two points you may agree that men shave for others. But if you consider that the main purpose of work for men is to earn enough wealth and material possessions to impress or provide for a woman, only one conclusion remains: men shave for women.

Take a look at the 1970’s when hippie culture was strong in this country. Did men shave? For the answer just ask your dad for pictures of when he was in his twenties. Chances are the manly essence that is facial hair flows from his face without restraint. Many men didn’t even cut their hair during this period. It was not until the feminist movement gained strength did men start to go from freely displaying their hair to being almost embarrassed of it.

If you want to study cultures where women are treated poorly and men dominate society, the Middle East is probably a good place to start. There, women are forced to cover their entire bodies with cloth and are subjected to various inhumane punishments. Turn on the television to a report about Saudi Arabia and you will see one thing in common with most of the men: unshaven facial hair. I don’t suggest we treat women poorly, but this example shows that men who care little about what a woman thinks will never shave. There is no need to.

I haven’t met a man who liked to shave, for as a gender we’re not born with the urge to get rid of our body hair. We do it because society tells us that an unshaven face is not acceptable. The line between what is masculine and feminine is becoming so blurry that solely feminine acts only a decade ago, such as eyebrow plucking, are now practiced by both genders. I wish for the day when I can go to the beach with my little brothers and we can all be proud of our full hair coverage, while making fun of the American men who not only bring a razor to their face, but to their body as well.

DON’T DO IT

I don’t think you should start a personal or local blog unless you are ready to at least release your visual identity. If a person starts a blog with the intention of being completely anonymous, what happens is all they write about is their very boring personal lives. Bad dates. Annoying roommates. Inconsiderate managers. I’m offended at these ordinary blogs because readers have to spend extra time to find the few blogs that are worth their time (i.e. my site).

So, like, you went out this weekend, got drunk, and had someone hit on you, and now you are blogging while hungover. Stop the presses. Or you wake up one morning and you make a bowl of cereal and you pour milk into it and you start reading the newspaper and then you taste the cereal and it’s all sour and now your morning was ruined because you had a job interview at Starbucks. No one cares.

When you post a picture of yourself, you are forced to write material that is original and creative. You can’t write all that personal trash because there is a risk of getting caught by someone you write about. You actually sit at the computer, rid yourself of the selfish desire to vomit your life on the internet, and organize your thoughts long enough to write something that more than five people will appreciate. Until you have the capacity to do that, stick to a more run-of-the-mill hobby, like DVD viewings of Laguna Beach.

THE IPOD

I fit the exact profile the iPod is targeted to: 20-something hipster doofus with a standard job who goes to the gym, rides mass transit, and has gigabytes of pirated music that hasn’t been listened to in years (unlike the massive porn collection which gets daily action). At the gym my naked ears have to listen to Leonard the meathead grunt out his last set while iPodders listening to the Best of Milli Vanilli are oblivious to his homo-erotic mating calls.

The thing that gets me wanting an iPod is the news articles that quote people as saying their iPod is their most prized possession. All these people who proclaim that there is nothing else in the world more important than a glorified walkman – whose cost can feed an African family of four for a year – make me want to join the “Think Different” club long enough until my Che Guevara instinct of being rebellious, anti-establishment, and wanting to torture people kicks in. If I do get an iPod, and accept that my life is cookie-cutter enough to succumb to the latest marketing trend for my age-group, remind me that I have been defeated by corporate America. Yes, it’s that serious.