Category: Interesting

DON’T TAKE A BLOW-UP DOLL TO THE BEACH

On Friday afternoon my friend and I went to the beach with Judy the blow-up doll and a huge cooler full of beer. I’ve been out with Judy in public enough times that I was used to the stares, picture-taking, and “nice girlfriend” jokes. I parked her underneath the umbrella because she doesn’t tan well.

I did not think about the logistics of trying to open beer bottles on a beach without a bottle opener. Neither did my friend, who spent at least five minutes trying to open one. Unfortunately this attracted some unwanted attention.

An old, morbidly obese man told us that alcohol is not allowed on the beach. We closed the cooler and thought about this for a minute as he went to tell the lifeguard. The lifeguard comes a few minutes later and tells us that alcohol is not allowed on the beach. That was fine with us becuase we can just get started later.

Five minutes later, the three teenage girls next to us said they think the old man called the cops on us. It’s obvious this guy wants us off the beach. I confront him and tell him that maybe he should mind his own business. He brings up God several times and asks me what kind of person would bring a blow-up doll on the beach. It was all about the doll.

Convinced that the cops were indeed coming, I thought it’d be a good idea to get the cooler back in the room. No evidence, no crime. I carried it back and return to the beach with a cop already talking to my friend. Then two more cops came. This story would have been a little different if I waited another minute to get the cooler off the beach.

Judy was my property so they focused their attention on me. “Why did you bring this here? Don’t you know this is a family resort?”

“This is my first time here. I don’t see what the problem is because she doesn’t have any holes.”

The good cop asked me for my name and I asked her why she needs it. She said it was to file the complaint but I wasn’t convinced. “What is your privacy policy? Am I going to be put on some list? Why do you need my name if I didn’t do anything illegal?”

They were getting impatient and then the bad cop said, “Look we can take you to jail right now for disorderly conduct. Your doll is causing a scene.” I look around and notice that everyone on the beach within a half-block radius is staring at us.

“Well yes now that you guys are here there is definitely a scene.”

I gave them my real name, address, and birth date. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I wanted to give them a fake name but watching Cops as a kid taught me you could get in serious trouble for that.

They asked me to deflate Judy and take her back into the motel room. I did not want to deflate her because it’d take forever to blow her back up.

I said, “Well it’s easier if I just take her back to the room.”
“No, it will cause a scene. Deflate her.”
“Don’t you think it will cause a bigger scene if I stand here for 15 minutes trying to take the air out?”
“Deflate her.”
“I don’t know how to deflate her.”
“There is a plug on the back.”
“What plug?”

I really didn’t want to deflate her. One of the cops grabs Judy and pulls the plug.

“See, the air doesn’t come out.”
“Push the plug.”
“What do you mean?”
“Push the sides of the the plug and the air will come out.”

So I stood there for a while, with Judy embraced in front of my crotch, gently squeezing. Spectators are shouting comments now and you can hear laughing throughout the beach. People are standing up to get a better look.

The cops ask me for my room number and tell me that if I bring her out again, I’m going to jail. For the rest of the day I was the “guy with the blow-up.” Sure I liked being a legend for a day, but what’s the point of going to the beach if you can’t take a doll with you?

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6am

VIDA’S ASS

One of the reasons I stopped reading magazines like FHM and Maxim – other than turning 23 – is because the photos of women do not look real. I remember I came across this photographer’s website a couple years ago that reminded me to question what I see in print. Here’s another one. If you own photoshop, there are even tutorials out there so you can do the same to your ugly girlfriend: here and here.

The before and after photos of recent Playboy cover girl Vida Guerras are now online for everyone to see. Vida is the girl who got famous after Stuff discovered her humongous ass. Unfortunately, she looks a little scary in some photos. I’d be a man and still hit it, cottage cheese ass and all:

:hump: :puke: :hump: :puke: :hump:

More scary photos.

JUDY BITCH SLAPS REINDEER

Judy was not pleased when she saw a reindeer – a female reindeer – eating my bushes for free. She got all mad and chased it, literally throwing herself at the four-legged beast. The reindeer ran away in fear.

I caught it on videotape:

HAPPY FLAG DAY

What are you doing every day that improves the quality of your life? Are you accomplishing great things, or are you sitting there in front of the computer waiting for the weekend to arrive? Until we prove otherwise, we are all wastes of space, taking up air and using precious resources. We have all been blessed with life, yet we waste it every day. We will die and be forgotten for all eternity within only one or two generations.

We’re all capable of more than we are doing right now. Much more.

And today, I turn 27.

CONFESSIONS OF AN ECONOMIC HIT MAN

I just finished Confessions of an Economic Hit Man at Barnes. Summary:

Perkins, a former chief economist at Boston strategic-consulting firm Chas. T. Main, says he was an “economic hit man” for 10 years, helping U.S. intelligence agencies and multinationals cajole and blackmail foreign leaders into serving U.S. foreign policy and awarding lucrative contracts to American business. “Economic hit men (EHMs) are highly paid professionals who cheat countries around the globe out of trillions of dollars,” Perkins writes.

I’ve been familiar with the ideas in this book through various readings and discussions. While nothing ground-breaking is presented here, the author connects the dots on the incestuous relationship between our government and corporations – the corporatocracy – whose aims are to (1) consolidate wealth and power for elite individuals, and (2) build up the empire. For the first half of the book I was unable to put it down, riveted by specific details on how the deals took place. The corporatocracy wields power through money instead of force, making big loans to countries so they can build public works (requiring them to use engineering services by Halliburton and Bechtel) that we can later use as leverage. When the country is unable to pay back loans, they are forced to submit to various demands that serve United States interests, which are disseminated through puppet organizations such as the IMF and WTO. If they refuse, force is used like in Iraq.

It presents case studies on Ecuador, Venezuela, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and Central American countries such as Panama and Nicaragua. The book loses steam after page 149, but I recommend you barrel through and pick up on the some interesting examples in the second half.

If you are familiar with US foreign policy, this book should not be a shock to you. We wouldn’t be the most powerful nation in the world if we didn’t do the things the author describes in this book. To further educate yourself about the American corporation, I recommend the documentary The Corporation. Its main focus is corporate power and influence within US borders.

FURBALL APPROVED

I am a web video junkie. Each week I watch dozens of clips and bookmark the ones I like. It’s my crack, kind of like how you girls are addicted to celebrity gossip. A month ago I decided to make a new blog off a ‘video clip of the day’ theme. I’ve been having trouble coming up with a name because all the easy ones like “dailyclip.com” are aleady taken – and I couldn’t think of something original.

I was at my desk last week when I glanced over at a picture of Furball and had an ah-ha moment. How about if the video clips are reviewed by Furball. Problem solved! The result is Furball Approved. The first video is cat-related in honor of Furball.

The best type of video websites have someone reviewing and recommending the clips. I think that’s one of the reasons why break.com is so popular. With sites like YouTube and Google Video, you find videos based on popularity, which is not a great way to find quality. I’m confident that my taste in video quality is better than the average person.

TABLE SHARE

I was at the bookstore mooching the other week when a man sat at my table. I realized I was wearing my company’s logo t-shirt after he asked about my job. We had similar backgrounds and had a pleasant conversation about our fields of work.

Yesterday I was mooching in a comfortable chair by the travel section. I noticed an older woman searching for Italy books. If she was a little younger, the conversation between us would have been automatic and natural.

When a girl is talking to a guy in a bar, the main thing that piques her interest is his initial vibe and look. It’s okay for her if the commonalities come later. But often they don’t. The burst of energy that starts this new relationship quickly fades as the couple realizes that don’t have much in common other than physical attraction. And the girl wonders what is wrong with her.

I don’t remember the last time I talked to a girl who had a love for travel. No girl has probed me to go deeper and explain my experiences in Italy, for example. Telling them that the espresso is great is the limit to which they care. Wouldn’t it be nice if I met a girl who went to Italy (or is going to Italy), and was eager to hear the whole experience, including details that a girl in a bar may find boring?

How about if there was a service that put you at a specific table in a bookstore with someone else who was reading a similarly themed book? Even if these two random people weren’t physically attracted to each other, imagine the conversation that would take place – in a relaxed setting of coffee and raspberry bars. I’d be the first person to sign up.