Slate has recently published an interesting article that asks why pandas and other captive animals don’t breed to save their species. The author presents intelligent points about the problem, but I think it’s best to throw all those out the window and use a common sense analogy.

Pretend you were abducted by aliens and sent to a far away planet. They stick you in an enclosed pen that is actually a suburban home (with fireplace). Soon you are introduced to your pen-mate, a member of the opposite sex who isn’t that bad looking. This is probably going to be the last human you will ever see, and you have a healthy sex drive. You want to shag but dozens of ugly aliens peer through the windows all day, making you feel self-conscious about your body. Now wouldn’t you just get shy and forget about sex completely, living the remainder of your life as an asexual loser? OF COURSE NOT. YOU’D BE BANGING EVERYDAY. ZOO ANIMALS ARE STUPID.

Pandas are almost always mentioned in stories about zoo animals who can’t bang, but never lions. It makes sense if you’ve ever seen the size of a lions’ balls on one of those Discovery Channel programs.

This is more like lovemaking. Either that or the male lion is too small. Look at the dissatisfaction on the face of the lioness… kinda like the face of the last girl you had sex with.

Yeeaaaaahh rough sex. She loves it hard.

I just read an article by Joel Achenbach from the Post about how he’s worried about immortality.

The immortality fears come after talking to Ray Kurzweil, certified genius. He’s an award-winning, multimillionaire inventor, author, futurist and entrepreneur. He’s so smart you wonder if maybe he’s already got some artificial components jammed into his skull.

Sounds like a smart guy. I wonder what amazing ideas he has come up with to have all these labels.

Sex will get complicated, Kurzweil said, as the technology of “virtual reality” enables us to have intense sensory experiences with software-based entities that are indistinguishable from real people. This will all happen in your mind, but it will be just like real life, down to the cigarette afterward.

Interesting. So to get labeled a “futurist” all I have to do is rip from the movie Demolition Man, one of the top 5 best action movie of all time.

Any more great ideas Ray?

Kurzweil says that when we stop the aging process everyone will be able to stay in their thirties. I asked him what this might mean for married couples. Some, he said, will remain committed for hundreds of years, but an increasing percentage of marriages will end in divorce.

What’s great about predicting future events is that everyone will forget what you said when the time comes. A couple years ago I predicted that VHS tapes will make a huge comeback in 2005, but no one has remembered to call me out on it. I can make all sorts of crazy predictions!