On Monday I went to speak at an elementary school career day for my two little cousins (both male). Paranoid that I would put kids to sleep, I went through several hours of preparation to make my 15 minute presentation exciting. I bought props, built in interaction and volunteer participation, came up with funny jokes, and planned for an experiment that involved yeast and a balloon.

But for the most part, I bombed.

I couldn’t compete with the firefighter and all his gear, or the policeman talking about catching criminals. And of course there was a magician and a basketball coach.

Who knows how many cells it takes to make a human? No, it’s actually 100 trillion. We have many different types of cells in our body that all have different functions. For instance take a look at these peanut M&Ms I sorted by color. Each represents a different type of cell. These blue M&Ms are your heart cells, these red ones are your skin cells, these green ones are your liver cells, and these orange ones are muscle cells. Notice how there are more orange M&M muscle cells than the others, just like in me since I have really big muscles. 😀

No one laughed, not even the teacher.

I talked to 3rd graders first and was very impressed with their zombie-like state. Even though they probably didn’t care about what I was saying, they appeared to be paying close attention. They stared at the front of the class while remaining completely still. They obediently raised their hands when I asked for participation, and no one spoke unless I called on them. They read questions from a worksheet given out by the teacher. The environment was robbing them of creativity and spontaneous excitement. Whenever a kid got distracted and started doodling or going through things in his desk, the teacher interrupted me to snap at him. This happened even more in the 1st grade class because they were not fully “trained.” I felt bad for them. They were being ordered around like soldiers.

Has anyone here had a can of Coke before? [Display empty can of Coke.] No matter where you buy coke, whether it be from the supermarket or a vending machine, from a different state or even a different country, Coke tastes exactly the same. Does anyone know why? The reason is because they follow a recipe, or process, when making it. How weird would it be if one day you opened a can of Coke and it tasted like Sprite? You wouldn’t like that very much probably. Now when making medicines, it is very important that every batch you make is exactly the same. You can’t have one batch that works while another doesn’t. If someone is sick, they need a batch that is guaranteed to work like it’s supposed to.

There were common themes in the classroom such as “Don’t talk out of turn” and “Always follow directions.” I saw posters in the hallway about honesty, trust, and sharing. I wondered if parents should be teaching these values instead.

After I was done, the teachers asked me leading questions…

“How important is sharing and caring?”
“How important is it to be on time?”
“How important is it to go to college?”

Sharing is useless in the adult world. I’m late almost every day yet have held down a job. And college is great only if you have a specific career in mind. I wussed out and answered how they wanted me to, letting the zombie children down. Teaching kids this utopia fantasy world is not going to help them be leaders and possess qualities that I think matters more than “sharing and caring,” like taking risks and being outspoken. I did resist once when the teacher asked me how I deal with conflict at work…

“Actually after work we go out back and fight.”

The kids’ eyes opened and for once that classroom felt alive! The teacher looked shocked and I took that as my cue to revert back to obedient world: “No actually we all sit down and talk about it like nice people.” The teacher added, “Yeah kids he was just joking.” I was being used to produce drones, followers. While the intention of the elementary school system is good, I think it saps creativity and free-thinking. Their individuality is being restrained simply to maintain order. I just hope the beta training academy doesn’t destroy my cousins.

I was going to write a rant about this article, but I’m too angry after reading it to be coherent on the topic. Time to cut another check to NARAL!

So…

There’s a great quote from Vin Diesel (hear me out) in last month’s Elle magazine. Asked if there’s any movie character with whom he identifies, he says, “Clark Gable in Gone With the Wind. Here’s this guy saying, ‘I may be rough around the edges, but I’m the better man for you, and you’re still locked over there with the pretty boy.'”

I’ll admit it: I’m reading Gone with the Wind right now, and I have a huge literary crush on Captain Rhett Butler.

Where are all the Rhett Butlers? Dashing! Dangerous! Brave!

They’ve all gone the way of the cowboy. I blame modern life. You can’t be a Rhett sitting behind a computer in a cubicle. You can’t be a courageous blockade-runner when nobody blockades things any more. Now, if you got kicked out of West Point and allegedly knocked some girl up and disowned by your rich family, there wouldn’t be shame in that, and you might be considered a “bad boy” but chances are you’d probably also be into drugs and have dated Lindsay Lohan and get featured in the New York Times Thursday Styles (or you’d be this guy).

Men, I ask you – why aren’t you committing more courageous acts to show women how much you love them? I know it’s not the burning of Atlanta and I’m not asking you to steal me a horse to get my pregnant sister-in-law and I out of town (I can’t stop thinking about this book), but why aren’t you trying to impress me by being a man? Hint: playing video games, being an asshole, driving a BMW, or wearing sweaters with stretched-out necks does not prove that you are manly.

Where are the men who ask women out, instead of giving them their phone number and leaving it up to the lady? Where are the men who are actively trying to make the world safe and comfortable for women? For Christ’s sake, where are the men who know how to fix the electrical outlet in my bathroom without consulting the internet first?

Lesson 1: Respect the hate. Treat it like you would sculpture or modern architecture.

I play the hate game for the inherent art and beauty in hurting other people’s feelings. I don’t do it to wield some imaginary “blog power” that comes with running an ultra-successful blog that can make women cry with a single post.

Lesson 2: Be patient. Wait in the grass like a snake.

Proper hating is 90% waiting and 9% attacking. The other 1% is looking through the thesaurus to find synonyms for such words as “retard” and “attention-whore.” Strike too early and you appear psychopathic, but strike too late and you miss valuable opportunities to take down your opponent. The best part of hating is the anticipation before striking.

Lesson 3: Master the art of surprise. Rewards come to those who unleash emotional destruction when it’s least expected.

Last year I announced my DCist hate, but that was lame of me because I gave them time to mentally prepare for my hateful omnipotence (observe the use of thesaurus). Don’t tell anyone you are going to attack unless you have troll fighters that believe in your cause.

Lesson 4: Get mad. For your hating to be congruent, you must genuinely have the hate inside you.

You can’t fake hate. It has to deep inside you from years of when your mom beat you with a broom and said, “I wish you didn’t come out of my hole.” If you are a person who always has to be “nice,” then fuck off because you can’t play this game.

Lesson 5: Do some research. A little personal information goes a long way.

I’m not referring to private investigator type of information, but something the target has put up but long forgotten. For instance if your target blogged about getting dumped several months ago, it will be helpful if you bring that up. Example: “Oh, is my hate making you upset, like when you got dumped several months ago? Loser.”

Lesson 6: Execute. Your ultimate goal is to get the person to change their behavior as a result of your hating.

Execution is usually the easiest step. The only variable here is deciding if you want to deliver your hate anonymously or not. I’ve found that anonymous haters have a very short shelf-life. Put your name to the hate so you get recognized as a weird individual instead of just another internet troll.

Lesson 7: Blowback. People like the hate, not the hater.

Pathetic groupies of your target usually come out after a hater event with the standard stock insults: “You must have too much time on your hands,” “What’s wrong with you,” “You are petty,” and “Did you get dropped on your head as a child?” Secretly they like your hate but can never admit it. It’s human nature to love conflict.

Lesson 8: Live by the sword, die by the sword.

There will be individuals who give you a taste of your own medicine. As long as you accept that you are not invincible and will be owned, don’t cry like a little bitch when a picture of you and your secret gay lover is plastered all over the internet.

:popcorn:

When it rains, it pours… but the rain can suddenly stop.

You can’t think, “Oh great, it’s raining, I don’t have to worry about water anymore.”

You have to think, “Okay it’s raining, how can I store the most water possible so I can survive many droughts.”

People will come up to you and ask, “How do you always have water?”

You worked when it was raining while others were messing around, yet they haven’t learned from their mistake. Come next season, they will be back during the drought asking you why you have water.

For men this is most relevant when it comes to women. We have to take those times when we are on fire, when girls are banging down our door, and translate that into play that lasts throughout our slumps. What is the point of having sex with three girls at once if next month you are sitting alone with your hand, having to start all over?

We all live in a box. Some of us live in bigger boxes than others. Others will own their box some day.

We wake up in the morning and drive to work in our moving box, admiring the drivers of more expensive boxes. Some of us don’t own a moving box, and have to pay to ride big boxes with other people.

We go to work inside a cubed box to work for someone who lives in a bigger box than us.

At the end of the day we return to our box and sit in front of a tiny box that has moving lights in it.

On the weekends we visit dark, smokey boxes where we are very careful with who we talk to.

Most of us will choose to make box living more tolerable by living with someone of the opposite sex. There is constant pressure to upgrade your box.

When we are eldery, we don’t even venture from our living box because getting around in the moving box is too scary.

Our final resting place is the smallest box of all.

When it comes to things to say during sex, I feel like porn has let me down. I’ve been raised on these stock phrases:

“God you’re wet.”
“You like that, don’t you?”
“I like the way you stroke his cock.”

Have you noticed that the things said during sex rarely exceeds six or so words? Something you will not hear in bed: “The sexual pleasure that I’m experiencing right now has exceeded my expectations. I’m so happy that we are having sex.”

Sex talk has to be short and to the point, so I’ve developed a handy Sex Talk Generator to help you out in the bedroom. I’ve kept in mind that the perfect sex talk statement contains three key ingredients:

(1) a segue – something that says, “Okay get ready, I’m about to say something sexy!”
(2) a descriptor – an honest take on the current situation
(3) a suggestion for future action – an not-so-subtle announcement of what is going to happen next

Simply take one thing from each column and then put it together.

Now you never have to be insecure about what to say in the bedroom again.

Reader Mail!

Write something about short guys and dating. I’m 5’9 (not really that short) and it still causes me problems because I am not 5’11” to 6’4″ I can only imagine the plight of the guys who are 5’6″ and below.

Dear Short Reader,

There are two ways to look at it…

Typical female response: Don’t worry about your height, it’s all about the confidence. I’ve seen a lot of short guys with hot girls and as long as you don’t think about it, you will be fine. I mean, look at Verne Troyer and his hot model bride.

Real world answer: You have been genetically shafted. Not only will you make less money than the average tall man, but your pool of available women will be limited to the tall man’s leftovers. Hint: they keep the good ones. Life goes on though, and just like in poker you gotta play the hand you are dealt. In this case, it’s 3-4 off-suit…EVERY HAND.

Haha,

DCB
6’2 and still growing