I am never going to Club Five again.

Last week I got a flyer advertising their Monday night party: “$1 Corona, $1 Burgers, $1 Hot Dogs.” We’ve been looking for a Monday night hang-out spot so this was worth a try. On Monday night I go with Insomnia and his brother, and take the flyer with me just in case they try to renege on the $1 burgers that we so desperately craved.

We get there and are hit with a $10 cover, which of course was not mentioned on the flyer. Any possible savings from this happy hour evaporated quickly as I sucked it up and let Insomnia pay. We won’t be saving money on burgers, but we can still have a good time, I thought.

I go to the bar to get 4 corona’s and 5 burgers. Even those of you who didn’t quite make it up to calculus know that the total comes to $9. Bartender comes back… “fourteen dollars.”
“The burgers are $2,” he says.

I knew they would try to pull this shit, so I grab for the flyer. As far as I’m concerned, this flyer is my contract for a one dollar burger. I show him the flyer, he looks at it, and then says, “They told me it’s $2,” and points to the general area behind him. I take a deep breath and give him my money.

Believe me when I say I tried to let it go. I really did. But I can’t stop staring at the stupid flyer. The printed “$1” prices are mocking me, saying “Haha we’re totally fucking you over and you can’t do anything about it.” I can’t let it go.

There is a guy fixing the speakers who doesn’t look like a total idiot, so I go to him and ask him about the burger price. Thirty minutes pass and I finally get my five additional burger coupons. We eat our topping-less burgers, make fun of the 80% male crowd, and proceed to the nearest white trash bar, Lucky Bar, to witness the glory that was their salsa night.

Don’t clubs want people to return? Is it really that hard to serve a product at an advertised price, and not give an attitude when you’re called out trying to rip off your customers? Oh yeah, after we finished our 10 burgers (2.5 pounds of cow), I overhear the barbecue guy say “We’re out of buns, sorry.” Assholes.

24 thoughts on “CLUB FIVE SUCKS

  1. Liz

    Sorry to hear that Five fucked you over. Believe me, you are NOT the only one.

    I got fucked over a while back as well when I was doing promotional work. Tim, the owner, is a shady son of a bitch.

    I’m not a huge fan of the club either, but on July 15th my friend Jay (DJ name Cyzum) will be spinning there alongside John ’00’ Fleming. I’m making an exception and going to Five for that. My love of psytrance outweighs my hatred for Club Five this time. Otherwise, no way.

  2. Liz

    You like teh psy too eh? I know pretty much everyone in Konvocation, they’re awesome.

    And what do you mean “hope for you yet?!”

    I’ll fight you, hehe. 😀

  3. Aja

    I went to Five on Saturday, are we just talking about weekdays, because Saturday night on the rooftop was cool , hip hop, reggae, dancehall. I can only do the second floor in the late hours when I am already drunk (house music) or is that what you call “Psytrance”. As for being assed-out on the that dollah meat fest, that is how they getcha, they don’t expect you would call them out on it in a club no less, you might as well hand them a megaphone and let them shout out, “cheap mutherfucker”. But hey, nothing beats redemption.

  4. inSOMnia

    P+R=I=n=C,P=a=l If thats how you spell it. Five and 1223 always pull shady shit and get away with it. Club owners and promoters finger point till its almost impossible to find out whose responsible. I want my 1 dollar burger

  5. Liz

    I haven’t been to Five in forever. 7/15 with J00F will be the first time in a long time.

    In other news, I heard Infected Mushroom is playing at Glow. WTF? Maybe I heard wrong, I hope I did.

  6. Liz

    Aja, psytrance is a completely different genre than house. They sound different. I guess you’re not to familiar eh?

  7. Aja

    perhaps not, my cd collection is vast and includes, Kruder Dorfmeister, Thievery Corporation, Aphex Twins, Massive Attack, I am not sure what that genre is considered, but anyways, if it sounds good I am there.

  8. Liz

    Heard of Infected Mushroom? They, though incredibly mainstream now, are psytrance. So are Astrix, Hallucinogen, Psygone, Psysex, Juno Reactor, 1200 Mics, Astral Projection, Wizzy Noise, Dimitri, etc etc etc.

    The J00F show will be hot, trust me.

  9. johnny

    Sooo, did you glean any good #s from the bathroom wall scrawl?


    According to the NJTurnpike: IMPEACH BUSH

    Alrighty then.

  10. Aja


    18 Admission
    10 minimum
    2.50 surcharge


    Angry, sorry, but thought about this post, so i didn’t tip the waitress my ususal generous amount, I am like your tip is in the miminum and surcharge fee…

  11. Anonymous

    Hey DCB – you should looked at the flyer and the promo team behind and realize that they are lames clubs do that all the time. Trust me know who is throwing the party before going

  12. noturse

    Approximately 3:15 am Jan 1 2007 a few friends and I arrived at Five. Upon arrival there was already drama a customer was crying and cursing because she could not get her jacket. This was sign to turn around and leave, unfortunately we did not.
    I knew that Five was owned by Primacy Companies, which had owned Nation, and I had wanted to check it out. As soon I reached earshot I was psyched, this was the music I wanted to hear. We met a few employees who were great and went out of their way to make us comfortable.
    All was well until my friend tried to get some water. What place does not take credit cards?! The bartender was rude. I guess since she figured we had no cash so there was no reason for her to be nice.
    Then at 4:30 the lights came on and everyone was told to leave. A bouncer blocked my exit path via the stairs while harassing my friend. He was right behind her barking, literally making barking noises at her, as she was leaving down the stairs. I said “Excuse Me” and he turns around screams “No, Excuse You”. He was very confrontational. I told him to get out of the way. He was blocking the whole staircase. He told me to f–king leaving. I said I would if he moved out of my f–king way. He got within inches of my face while spitting and screaming at me. I wiped the spit off my face and stated how gross that was. I maneuvered around the bouncer to the top of the stairs. The bouncer verbally and physically assaulted me. I started screaming because he was physically pushing against me while I was standing at the top of the staircase. This prompted another worker to speak to the bouncer. I moved down the stairs. The bouncer was arguing with the other worker while threatening to kick my a–. I turned around and said with shock “I can’t believe YOU’RE security”. I seriously thought the bouncer was going to come down the stairs after me. I was within seconds of calling for the police.

    This was my first and last experience with Five. It is hard to believe that a major corporation such as Primacy Companies would employee workers so unprofessional. This is unfortunate because the music was superior, but not worth the misery. Save up your money and go to Fur’s Glow instead.

  13. Samantha

    I wish I would have found this sooner! We went to club five for New Years Eve. We paid $65 and were promised an open bar, food from 8-10, free t-shirts, and that it would not be over 1,000 people. Well I am sure you can guess what happened. We got there at 9:30 there was no food, the bartenders were pulling this no tip no drink shit, the club was beyond over sold! We tried to get out and it took us 20 mins and we were 3 feet from the door. So we left at 11:30 they wouldn’t give us our shirts, nor would they give them to our friends who left at 12:30. This club is a fucking joke!

  14. BC

    Yeah, Club Five has gone downhill in the last year or so. I was there last night to see LTJ Bukem and MC Conrad. They had set up an area on the dancefloor with a table/speakers/mixer/etc beneath the regular DJ booth (I’m not sure if this is a permanent change or what). They had a big projection screen up covering, what I remember to be, the original Five DJ booth. I got there about 10, and for 2 and a half hours we got to stand on the dancefloor, with no visible DJ, and everyone kinda looking around going, “What the fuck did we pay $15 to listen to a stero for?”

    So finally LTJ and Conrad come out about 12:30. Every dances, drinks, has a good time. Then about 1:45 AM, we go to the 2nd floor bar where we have our tabs open for last call. The barbacks are running around like crazy, pushing into people and literally grabbing drinks out of people’s hands in an effort to clean up and get out of there. The bouncers are worse. They start swearing and screaming at PAYING CUSTOMERS to get the fuck out as they are closing the second floor. People who are waiting for their bar tabs from the lazy bitch behind the bar are getting physically assaulted by bouncers, pulling/pushing them towards the stairs going down.

    Never in my life have I seen such a lack of professionalism. What makes it worse, Five’s bouncers are completely plain-clothed, and with the loud music so you can’t hear half of what they’re saying, you’re not sure if the guy laying his hands on you, screaming and spitting in your face, is some drunk punk trying to start a fight, or a club bouncer. Actually, I think the bouncers would love nothing more than to start a fight. Disgusting, unprofessional behavior. For what they charge at the door and bar, PAYING CUSTOMERS ddeserve better.

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