COCKBLOCKED

There are two kinds of cockblocks, both of which inhibit male-female intimate relations…

1. The Sudden Cockblock. You’re talking to a girl at whatever shithole you like going to, and things are actually going well. She lets out a chuckle at your lame jokes and asks personal questions, all while including a gentle arm touch to stress some amazingly intellectual point she is trying to make. You can tell she is interested, but then out of nowhere her fat, ugly friend grabs her arm and takes her away. This scenario used to produce much anger in me, but then I noticed that some girls would tell their friend to back off for a few minutes so numbers can be exchanged. If a girl really likes you, she will not let her friend execute the cockblock (unless her friend is the alpha female bitch who controls everyone). Stay focused on the girl and accept the cockblock as a normal part of female psychology: twisted hyper-jealously coated with gooey slime that automatically corrupts all future generations.

2. The Continuous Cockblock. This cockblock is more subtle but just as deadly. You are talking to a girl but get constantly interrupted by her friends, who disturb the flow and natural progression of the pick-up. The cockblockers infect your seduction with a virus that inhibits your ability to escalate the encounter into something more meaningful, like casual sex. You don’t have many options when this occurs, but you can casually allude to the “competition” you are facing and see if she gets the hint to shut out her friends for you, the random club guy. Again, if she really likes you, she will.

A higher level of zen-like awareness when it comes to cockblocking is asking yourself why you even go to places where the cockblock regularly occurs… I have yet to hear a guy whine about a grocery store produce aisle cockblock.

37 thoughts on “COCKBLOCKED

  1. new p

    and WE’RE BACK! (thank you dcb)

    its a jealousy thing. guys will be happy for their guy friends and will not be pricks and disturb. now with girl friends that they secretly want…well thats a different post.

    girls get all needy and “we did not come out so that you could meet guys and leave me in the corner! we are here to spend quality girl time”
    – translated “if im fat and ugly and cant make conversation then you have to talk to me to make sure i dont feel bad” oy.

  2. DC Cookie

    Either that, or the friend ‘cockblocks’ because the guy is a complete dork and the girl is being WAY too nice. After the ‘block’ is executed, the girl usually says “Thank god you rescued me! That guy sucked and I couldn’t get away!”

    This is all generally preceded by subtle glances between the girl friends. Glance 1: ‘Do you need help?’ Glance 2: ‘Yes! This guy sucks!’

  3. LaLa

    And let’s not forget the male-on-female-friend cockblock, or vice-versa, I’m sure.

    Platonic Pete has been regulated to “girlfriend status” in my life after a few unfortunate drunken makeouts and a few “safety” dates. We’ve had “The Talk.” He says he is comfortable with this. THEN we go out with a group and shaBAMPH! Cockblocked right, left, and center.

    If you don’t want to be “just friends,” no problem; totally understandable. But don’t say you’re down with it and then CB because your mouth is writing checks your ego can’t cash.

  4. Berry-licious

    Girl friends just look out for each other with the best interest in mind. Although occasionally they cock block out of jealousy for not getting attention and having to stand there alone, for the most part they’re just looking out for their friend. The girl in mid convo with guy may not be using her best judgement having downed one too many drinks and her girl friend may just be saving from regrets the next morning.
    Is there a third kind of cock-block resentment towards her guy friends or other “random club guys” that interfere?

  5. Marc

    “I have yet to hear a guy whine about a grocery store produce aisle cockblock”

    Word is bond.

    Picking up chicks can sometimes be like buying real estate. Location, location, location.

    You can buy a nice house in a bad neighborhood, but you can’t get pissed when your neighbors keep you awake at night with their loud parties.

  6. Aja

    What about the “damn there are two of you and I want you both but have to pick one so i’ll entertain you both and secretly hand each of you my card”? This really isn’t a cock block is it? Maybe he was thinking there are only two, the one i am interested in will not leave her girl hanging so now if I want the one, i have to entertain them both. Was this an act self-inflicted cock blocking?

    If a man is blocking a girl (noted CBm, where m=male), i find that the CBm is just hating because he has no play. The lines for such interruptions: “yo, let’s roll, this place sucks”, or “I’m gettin tired”. Unless his homeboy finds him an adequate distraction, CBm is just miserable and subsequently relentless at getting his boy out.

  7. Aja

    Kathryn:
    Zut alors!!! Bastards!!! Who knew it is such an epidemic in DC!! This guy chatted with both of us all night, he even met up at an afterhours club. Handed me a card, slipped one to my girl. Did he really think we wouldn’t discuss? Neither of us have contacted him. What a tool!! He totally blocked himself!!!

  8. http://www.dcpcdoll.blogspot.com/

    I do not condone this post! I usually am the one that gets no attention from guys and I have to cockblock all the time.

  9. RCR

    Well my brain has a history of cockblocking my penis. Things are going great, and then my brain busts out some line like “so, who is your favorite hobbitt.” Tragic.

  10. Aja

    Men should just straight out ask:

    “can i get it?”

    As mentioned in an earlier post here, women can immediately decide “he can get it”. I think the brain and penis are always fucking up, but in the end, through some miracle or combination alcohol and drugs, people continue to hook-up.

  11. Kathryn

    I think I overheard someone approaching ladies at happy hour on Wednesday with this gem:

    So how many hits does YOUR blog get?

    Clearly the brain cockblocking the penis.

  12. Liz

    I used to be involved with a guy who whenever he wanted sex he would ask “can I hit it?”

    It made me laugh.

  13. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    There was a LOT of talk about hits on Wednesday night, and sadly, almost none of it related to hittin’ it. I finally installed a site meter today so I could be equally nerdy at the next blogger HH.

  14. Sudamericana

    I love the HH quotes that I’ve been reading lately…. pickup lines related to the number of hits in a blog and those involving scallions and green onions are absolutely killing me :laugh: :laugh:

    RCR, you couldn’t have come with a better expression than the brain cockblocking the penis. I’ll definitely start using it.

  15. kanan

    “I have yet to hear a guy whine about a grocery store produce aisle cockblock.”

    May be guys are not interested in girls who are shopping in their pjs and sweatshirts.

  16. senator

    Well what i usually do is cockblock the opposite. If a guy is talking to the girl i usually cockblock on the woman so i can talk to the guy.

  17. senator

    Well Seenster say if you approach a woman. You would talk to her I see you guys talking. I come to you and talk to you further interrupting your convo with the woman. She gets frustrated and leaves. I then try to get your number for the night.

  18. seenster

    Main Entry: fa?ce?tious
    Function: adjective
    Etymology: Middle French facetieux, from facetie jest, from Latin facetia
    1 : joking or jesting often inappropriately
    2 : meant to be humorous or funny : not serious

  19. sara

    What about the purposeful cockblock? There are some girls who don’t like to tell guys that they’re not interested, so they go along with the conversation and will flirt with him while secretly giving out signals to their friends to come save her (aka cockblock the guy). Not that I condone the behavior, but it still happens.

  20. ?????

    Sara, that technique is not an official ‘Cockblock’ — it falls under the category of ‘Pussy Police’

    (variations also include Pussy FireSquad, Pussy 911 and Pussy Ambulance).

  21. Dr_Brodski

    Actually, there is a third category of cockblocking that wasn’t mentioned which is a mystery since it is terribly common. There was no mention of the pesky roommate, flatmate, prankster friends or vigilant parents who can pop up at crucial times and throw a spanner in the works.

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