CONFIDENCE

Tight Game Week

The magic bullet to getting girls is supposedly having confidence. With it you can leap buildings, fuck supermodels, and demand a raise from your boss. But how important is it really? And how do you get it?

Back in high school I had a puny body and was paranoid of getting jumped because of the ghetto neighborhood I lived in. Because I believed I could not put up much of a fight if I was attacked, I avoided conflict with the kids that were bigger than me.

I started going to the gym in college and built up some muscle mass by the time I graduated. Even though I still couldn’t fight, I was no longer scared of getting into one. While bigger muscles doesn’t mean I’d fare any better in a fight, I believed that it would. Going to the gym took away fear of getting physically pummeled. That’s all that confidence really does: it eliminates fear. When you are not scared, you suddenly have more ways to respond. And a higher chance to succeed. Instead of backing down from the meathead in the club, I could stand my ground. Instead of letting the hot girl walk by, I could talk to her.

Why do guys get drunk in a club? Is it because they like poisoning their body and waking up the next morning feeling like hell? You’ve heard the term ‘liquid courage’ before. Alcohol gives men a temporary state of confidence. They drink to eliminate the fear of having to talk to a woman and get rejected. I know over a dozen guys who can only talk to a woman under the influence. They have not trained their mind to go work through touch social situations with women. Guys who can only approach under alcohol think it improves their game, but there is a common pattern that they all show: they never talk to the hottest girls. It’s always the 6’s and 7’s. It hurts them more than they think.

Every man is confident in something, but when it comes to women, confidence means the ability to take social risk. In the book Mean Genes, the authors claim that men are wired to not take social risk. In your small social tribe, failing with a girl in the hut next to you means humiliation and embarrassment. But we don’t live in tribes anymore. Not taking social risk is the quickest way to lonely nights at home.

Several years ago I could approach lone-wolfs with ease. These are girls who are standing alone in a bar or club. But most girls are not alone in bars. They are in groups, sometimes very large groups. I’m sure you’ve seen the circle of girls dancing at the club with their jackets and purses in the middle. To build myself up, I approached the biggest groups I could find. Five girls, six girls, seven girls. I usually bombed. It is just impossible for me to keep all the girls in a big group interested, and it just takes one girl to ruin it for you, to send that nonverbal signal of death to all the others. I got the eye-rolls, the back-turns, the “we’re just going to dance.” But I did it so much that I no longer fear it. Guys see me work the room and think I was born with this ability to talk to any girl. I wasn’t. Like any skill, you need to put the time and energy to get it. And once you have it, you have it for life.

Confidence is not an on-off switch that you have or don’t have. It’s a sliding dial that slowly changes with time. Getting confidence is like a long war, putting yourself through battles to harden your mind, and stretch what you think you are capable of. This means spectacular failure and rejection. This means feeling uncomfortable and getting upset. There is no other way to it. You have to do what you’ve never done to get what you’ve never gotten. Every man has to ask himself how badly he wants to improve and feel capable in all social settings. Or does he want to be the guy who needs to order a few more rounds of alcohol until he can say hi to the girl staring at him.

32 thoughts on “CONFIDENCE

  1. phi

    Good entry, I think that philosophy can be expanded beyond just the game, its just a reality of life. The cliche holds true: No pain, no gain.

  2. hedonistic

    Bottom line: Women who hang with large posses in bars and clubs do NOT want to be picked up, so approaching them is a waste of time. The ones interested in meeting men tend to fall away from the herd, so to speak.

    Females = Human Beings = just folks. We sit on the toilet, eat over the sink, and puts on our pants one leg at a time just like you do. Once this simple fact sinks in, talking to one of us should be no more difficult than talking to a guy. We’ll probably respond to you more kindly, too.

    When men view women as things to be won or lost (obtained for use or not), it all falls to shit: Their sense of ease abandons them. They feel they have to resort to booze and “game” so that they can win the prize (sex). There are winners and losers, victory and shame. Women are naturally psychic and pick up on this attitude from across the room. Some like it, while others resent it and can’t be bothered.

    Of course, some folks are just shy. I, for instance, am as shy about talking to strangers regardless of their gender. I don’t know the antidote in this case, or I’d be a social butterfly.

  3. Sweet

    Thanks for pointing out that guys shouldn’t rely on liquid courage. A drink or two to steel yourself, okay. But when it’s 2AM and you’re basically wasted/blacked out and you’re hovering around trying to pick up a girl — you come off more like a zombie than a guy worth our time.

  4. O-face

    Yes, i drink for courage…Not really but you wouldn’t race a donkey in the Kentucky Derby would you??? Drinking helps me stop feeling like I’m a rodeo clown. My name is Kal-El. You are the only survivor of the planet Krypton. Even though you’ve been raised as a human, you are not one of them. You have great powers, only some of which you have as yet discovered.

    Thats right you ain’t nothing. You with out me is like cornflake without the milk.

  5. KassyK

    I agree with Sweet…the liquid courage thing makes sense when you are really nervous and need A drink or two maybe…but slobbery drunk is not attractive. Whats attractive is confidence but also not agressiveness…just being yourself. I dont know…I like the back and forth flirty bar convo as much as the next girl but I dont want to feel like I am the subject of some game…I want the guy to genuinely be interested…Which comes along with the confidence to approach someone…Did that make any sense?

  6. Twoste

    BOLlOcks! Hooewhoo sheys youse CAN’T ghet ah dhate whifs ure dhrunks?! ? !11 blechsh shhhspppth! I fhart in ture ghenerhal directsiiions…Now SOD OFF! I’s ghoning tos has a bits more of da tipple

  7. Stephen

    Nice response hedonistic.

    DCB, there’s another way to learn confidence though, besides trial and error. One way that I learned was, when I went to the bar/club, I watched guys who were successful with the ladies.

    Fake it till ya make it, I suppose, is what one can call it.

  8. Roissy

    the alpha women in large posses *do* want to be picked up by a certain breed of man — one who demonstrates the brass balls to approach formidable estrogen circles and win them all over with his social skills. what better way to identify the real prize in a roomful of bob evans?

    pickup risk aversion is an emotional response. men need to logically remind themselves that living in the city means there is relatively little real fallout from rejection. the girl in hut A cannot deep six your future chances with girls in hut B and C when you’ve got a million huts to choose from. what does humiliation matter when you can walk over to the next bar and literally leave that tribal rebuke behind?

  9. Lonnie Bruner

    I haven’t been single since 1999, but I always remember bars and clubs being particularly bad venues for picking up people. Not that one can’t get laid, but joints like those often tend to attract douchebags and floozies. But maybe things have changed. What do I know.

  10. Ayla

    There’s some movie, I think it’s “Hitch,” (and yes, I am mortified that I am referencing that movie), that has the line: “No woman wakes up not wanting to be swept off her feet.”

    Every woman–be she the lone barfly or the alpha in the girl posse–likes to be approached by interesting, confident, clean guys with a sense of humor and a good attitude. Period.

  11. DCB Post author

    “Women who hang with large posses in bars and clubs do NOT want to be picked up”

    :laugh:

    Wrong, like usual. I’ve done it many times.

  12. Raincouver

    This comment is the key with groups:
    “…it just takes one girl to ruin it for you, to send that nonverbal signal of death to all the others.”
    Yes, it is possible to tackle a possee by yourself, but with those odds you better have a damn good wingman. It’s his job to look for that girl who may give you the “signal of death”. Maybe that should be your next topic, for Tight Game Week.

  13. O-face

    Men are predators, chasing their prey at high speed. The dentition is adapted to the women they hunt: Species with stripe shirts and fancy cars forage on silly women. Individual species may employ a number of methods of hunting:

    * Herding – where a man will control a school of women while individual members take turns plowing through the herd, feeding and picking off individuals.
    * Corralling – where women are chased to dark corners of the bar/club where they are more easily isolated to have “game” spit at them.
    * Pimp Wacking – where men use wads of money to strike women attention, stunning it and sometimes sending both clear out of the club.
    * Stunning – using the echolocation melon, very loud whistles and loud stereo systems are directed at prey, stunning them.
    * Foraging – When men search for women with low self esteem and who also feel lonely inside.
    * Mudding – Men drive women to the bar and retrieve them from there by purchasing a drink.

    All tactics employed to effectively deal with “Estrogen Balls”. Don’t let the smooth taste fool you..

  14. hedonistic

    Come on, DCB, even you admit do bombing at it more often than not. It’s likely you were able to convince some of these women to make an “exception” for you because you were . . . furry. Or unusually witty. Or something. If so, congratulations for climbing the fence, because that fence was high.

  15. Lonnie Bruner

    btw, Tight Game Week better include something about dealing with cock-blockers. That should be a good read.

    On talking to large groups of women — being married gives me a devil-may-care confidence that’s unmatched by singles. I can talk to the largest group of ladies with no nervousness at all. It’s a huge ego boost. Quite nice, indeed. But it’s all looky, no touchy for me.

  16. Alg8tor

    Like many things in life (and shitty Successories posters), you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

  17. KassyK

    Lonnie–I am lol…the bars/clubs scene is not only for douches and “floozies”–please tell me you are under 75 years old. Most girls I know that go to the bars in groups go to dance and have fun.

    Ive said it a million times on about 45 boards…Some women (like me and my girls) just love to dance. And yes sometimes its fun to be approached and sometimes its not…depends on the mindset.

    The girl going out by herself to a sleazy dive bar…She may be a “floozie”. I love that word. Welcome back to 1943.

  18. KassyK

    LB-

    For being such a gentlemen and not getting all pissy that I replied…you get the special icon. Bc I appreciate a good fellow.

    :bow:

  19. nabeel

    It’s all random. some people like some people and some people don’t like some people.

    I drink to decompress, not to work up the courage to talk to some woman. As I get older, when I want to talk to a woman or am on a date with her, I limit it to maybe 2 drinks. Anything more than 5 drinks, all shit goes out the window and just don’t listen to whatever I’m babbling about :laugh:

  20. the lotus eater

    The idea of a club peopled by WWII-era floozies is totally appealing to me. That said, I don’t understand why there is so much focus on the club pick-up here. Clubs are not the only place where there be women.

    In my own experience, a party is the best place to meet a mate-for-life-for-a-night. Social interaction is far more fluid–there is no need to make the dreaded approach to a group of girls as conversations arise more organically.

    Also, as an added benefit, you tend to get to know the girl a little bit better, since you can probably hear what she’s saying. She may have a halfway decent personality to go along her svelte body. Somehow, it just makes it more fun for me. Am I alone on that one?

  21. Wendy

    I never realized it is so complicated being a man. All this time I thought it was fate or chemistry. Come to find out men work on their skills and learn how to get women’s attention. Do all men do this?

    Speaking from past single experience, if i went out to the club with the girls, there was probably a zero chance of any guy chipping away at the circle. If me and the girls went out alone, on a girls night out, it was usually because someone in the group had just been dumped and it was man bashing night. I remember all those poor guys asking me to dance or offering to buy me a drink, and I remember how horribly they got shot down. Don’t worry, I reaped the Karma.

  22. Yukio Mishima

    “Getting confidence is like a long war, putting yourself through battles to harden your mind, and stretch what you think you are capable of.”

    HAHAHAHAH

    Thanks Aragorn.

    Surrsly though, while what you speak has some truth to it, more important than confidence is just being yourself. If going up to groups of girls and bombing isn’t who you are, don’t do it. If going to bars and trying to pick up chicks isn’t you, don’t do it. Life isn’t a rap video. Just be you. Girls can smell fake confidence. If you can trick yourself into believing that you’re something you’re not, well, high 5s all around, but it’s gonna have consequences in the long run.

  23. Roissy

    wendy, then why go out at all? you can man bash with your yentas to your heart’s content in a living room. a frig stocked full of ready-mix mimosas is cheaper than one round at ESL.

    rhetorical.

  24. Wendy

    yeah, but where is the bar, the loud music and the boys…just because we said no didn’t mean we weren’t looking. Beside, what the hell did I know? I was in my early twenties. I am old and married now.

  25. Pagan Marbury

    Lone-Wolfs are just girls who are smart enough to separate themselves from the pack. They aren’t there alone, they have just optimally positioned themselves to meet guys. Like you. See how well it works?

  26. McHands

    Whether a girl goes out wanting to meet guys or not is irrelavent. If you approach a girl under her radar (not lookin like yer talkin to her just to hook up) she won’t put up her auto defense shield. “Oh look, he’s actually pretty fun to talk to. I’m actually starting to become attracted to him.” This is the ultimate goal of a pua in the making. Learn to approach girls and strike up a conversation without being “just another one of those guys that wants to hit on me.” That’s why there are openers. That is why you are given suggestions on how to open a set of girls or just one girl.
    “I can’t stay long because i need to get back to my friends (time constraint so they don’t feel stuck with you), but i need a woman’s profesional opinion on something (opinion opener). Imagine you are going out with a guy, and you find out he has a drawer full of old pictures and letters from his ex-girlfriend. How would you feel?” etc. This opens up conversation, without a woman’s “creep” alarm going off. You get the girl attracted to YOU before anything else. I’m just givin an example of how to open, not anything more.

  27. McHands is a McTool

    ‘I’m just giving an example of how to open, not anything more’

    McHands,
    Quit fronting like you are a damn pick up artist.
    Why don’t you just type in more stuff from The Game?

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