CUM DUMPSTERS… NO, SERIOUSLY

I read the entire 9,000-word lead article in last Sunday’s New York Times Magazine: Wanted: A Few Good Sperm. I have lifted the most interesting quotes from the article so you don’t have to waste your time like I did. The quotes are not all from the same woman. Grab a drink.

She also printed the [sperm] donor’s picture and kept it on the coffee table of her Manhattan studio apartment, where she sleeps in a Murphy bed. “I kind of glance at it as I pass,” she said of the picture. “It’s almost like when you date someone, and you keep looking at them, and you’re, like, Are they cute? But every time I pass, I’m, like, Oh, he’s really cute. It’s a comforting feeling.”

Translation: I’m totally capable of fantasy relationships.

“With online dating, friends used to say: ‘What about him? What about him?’ I’d say: ‘Don’t like the nose. Ah, the eyes are a little buggy. He really likes to golf, and you know I don’t like golfing.’ There was always something.”

Translation: There is not a man alive that meets my standards.

Single Mothers by Choice, a 25-year-old support group, took in nearly double the number of new members in 2005 as it did 10 years ago […] (the median age among members is 36)

“By choice” :laugh:

I made a graph to explain the amazing growth this group is experiencing:

Coincidence? I think not.

“I certainly never thought I would be the last one standing,” she said. “You feel a little bit resentful, like, Gosh, how did I get here? Blind date after blind date ? why can’t it be easy for me like it was for other people? Right up until I ordered the sperm and made the doctor’s appointment, I was filled with anxiety. I felt sad, overwhelmed. Now I’m completely at peace with it.”

Translation: I really fucked up but I can’t admit it.

“People would say, ‘Oh, it’s just a date ? don’t expect anything,”‘ she said, sipping her ice water. “‘Just go out and have a good time.’ But then you’d get four calls that night: How was it? What did you think? Did you like him? Why wouldn’t you go out with him again? There was so much pressure. It became a job.”

Translation: I loved bragging to my friends about all the attention I received from men. But then the attention didn’t do it for me anymore and I realized I’m not even capable of a normal relationship.

“I imagine one day when I get to heaven there will be a whole room full of missing socks and men :),” Karyn once wrote to me in an e-mail message. “I hope the men will be wearing the socks.”

Translation: ??
I have no idea what this means. Is sock a euphemism for fuck stick?

“But I think if I had to choose today between becoming a mom or finding the perfect man and I could only have one today, I would choose becoming a mom.”

Translation: My failed search for the perfect man has resulted in expensive monthly syringe injections of anonymous semen in my vagina.

A 6-foot-1 blonde who speaks with disarming frankness, she came to America 10 years ago with the man she would later marry, only to find that he didn’t want children. After their divorce, she was engaged to another man who kept postponing their wedding ? she still has a set of “Save the Date” cards in her closet. Having always wanted passionately to be a mother, she decided to use a “known donor,” a close gay friend, also German, to help her conceive.

Translation: I got pumped and dumped so many times it would make your head spin. The only man who is willing to father my baby is someone who would never do it naturally.

She was also attracted by the idea of a donor of another race. “I believe in multiculturalism,” she said. “I would probably choose somebody with a darker skin color so I don’t have to slather sunblock on my kid all the time. I want it to be a healthy mix. You know how mixed dogs are always the nicest and the friendliest and the healthiest? If you get a clear race, they have all the problems. Mutts are always the friendly ones, the intelligent ones, the ones who don’t bark and have a good character. I want a mutt.”

Translation: I watch a lot of MTV and everyone seems so beautiful and happy.

“He really was the typical Aryan perfect human being,” she said, laughing. “He was a bodybuilder. He played the guitar and the drums, and he sang. He was captain of the rugby team in college. When I had the in vitro process done, the embryologist said: ‘This is some of the best sperm I’ve ever seen. It just about jumped out of the test tubes.”‘

Translation: But if I really met him, I’d surely find something wrong with his appearance or personality.

“Taking this whole ‘I have to find the father of my child’ out of the equation might make it a lot more relaxed and easier,” she said. “The guys are smelling it, and they run.” And even if the guy held still, he might not be the one you’d pick ? or even consider ? if you weren’t desperate for kids.

Translation: I knew I was in trouble when I could no longer hide my desperation from men.

“This baby will be my baby, only my baby,” Karyn told me that night at Caliente Cab. “The thing I’m afraid of is that after doing this, I might not want to get married. It seems like a lot of hard work, a lot of compromise. Someone ends up short, and usually it’s the mom, because by the time you get to the child and your husband and the dog, there’s not much left.”

Translation: I never even intended to be a good wife.

“I thought I could have kids until my period ended, and menopause is 50, right?” said another woman I met at a Single Mothers by Choice meeting in Washington, who began trying to conceive at 44.

Translation: Blah blah blah feel sorry for my idiocy.

One [sperm donor] was Indian: “He’s got black straight hair,” she told me, “brown eyes, he’s six feet but he only weighs 150. Which is good. If I have a girl, she wants to be skinny, and if she can eat what she wants, that’s perfect. You don’t have to get in fights about food.” […] “Thick hair, which is also nice,” she said, “because if I happen to get a son, I don’t like bald guys. He’s Catholic, which I would obviously like, because I am. He has a very interesting book collection: he likes Hesse, Henry James, Lorca. Excellent vision. His parents are pretty boring professionally, so I was a little concerned about that.”

Translation: Babies are so much fun – like shopping for shoes!

One woman, a 40-year-old graduate student in biology in the Midwest, told me shortly after her first insemination: “One of the things that was so powerful about deciding to have a baby on my own was saying, I’m taking charge of this piece of it; I’m not going to wait around for a guy to give it to me

Translation: I waited for such a long time but no guy would give it to me.

“I have this big fear in my life that I never will be pregnant. You see these pregnant women on the street, and you’re, like, How does it feel? What’s going on in your mind, in your heart? I want to feel it!”

Translation: It’s like when you see someone with this amazing new purse and you just have to have it!

The doctor came back and placed the straw of clear, yellowish sperm in a slim glass cylinder and removed a drop to look at under a microscope. “We have very good motility,” he said. “This is a good specimen.”

I liked the use of the word specimen. Possible usage: “Sweetie, I accidentally got some specimen on your face again.”

Shelby does have a boyfriend: a 52-year-old bachelor who works at a pharmaceutical company, whom she met at a party when Christopher was a month old. “He’s been a great person in my life and Christopher’s life, but he’s not going to marry me,” she explained over the phone when we first spoke. “Some people just don’t want to do that, and he’s one of those people.”

Translation: He is a very smart men.

Last fall, she went to the Donor Sibling Registry and got a shock: the Aryan bodybuilder with the leaping sperm has fathered 21 children (and counting ? he is still an active donor), including four sets of twins. These children are all 3 and under, and their families ? four lesbian couples, three heterosexual couples and six single mothers ? have formed their own Listserv…

That guy has won the game of life. No one reading will ever father that many children. His seed will go on for generations while you continue wasting time on the internet.

He was saying he was one of these what he calls old-fashioned guys: if his wife is going to have a child, he’s going to be in the waiting room until the child is delivered and washed. I’m, like, wait a second. Don’t you think you should go through this together? He said, ‘No, I’m going to faint, and I’m going to throw up.” […] “He’s not cut out to be a provider, to be a protector or to be a patriarch,” Daniela said. “He can’t be there when the child is born; he can’t make the living for the family. Maybe what bothered him is that he couldn’t offer what he would like to offer. So he made it, like, taste bad.”

Translation: No man wants to knock me up even if I payed them.

I had never heard her so low. “Everything is so hard, and it’s so degrading,” she said. “You always think that you’d go through this with somebody that would support you. You don’t think about having all the problems, let alone doing it on your own.”

Time flies ladies. This could be you in 10 years.

49 thoughts on “CUM DUMPSTERS… NO, SERIOUSLY

  1. Aja

    I had to stop at this homie:

    ?I would probably choose somebody with a darker skin color so I don?t have to slather sunblock on my kid all the time. I want it to be a healthy mix. You know how mixed dogs are always the nicest and the friendliest and the healthiest? If you get a clear race, they have all the problems. Mutts are always the friendly ones, the intelligent ones, the ones who don?t bark and have a good character. I want a mutt.?

    I would have slapped this bitch, “hold the fucking mic, S-L-A-P!!!”

    Comparing multiracial kids to fucking mutts! No wonder this bitch can’t get a fucking a man, she’s fucking idiot.

  2. KassyK

    Aja-Agreed. What is the deal? Its like this weird virus has infected these women and they are looking at babies and children just like objects…things to show off and play with.

    Its almost like those 16 year old kids that get pregnant on PURPOSE bc they want someone to love them…SCARY.

  3. C

    I’m a sperm donor. Really, I am. There is all this hype in the media about it recently. There was an interesting 60 minutes piece the other day and it was even talked about on the Colbert Report last week.

    I wonder how many children I have fathered. I feel like they have a chance to use their full potential and not waste it like I did.

    But yes these women are sad in a way, but you know they’ll love their kid and give it everything it needs and wants, it will be all she has in her lonely life.

  4. jessa j

    ?Sweetie, I accidentally got some specimen on your face again.?

    HAHAHAHAHAHA oh i love you so much.

    :crazy2: i always say faces the best place for specimens.

  5. Windy

    All I have to say is WOW, I mean when I first started reading I thought there would only be a few quotes and then they just kept coming … I mean I just don’t know how to feel for these women. Some of their reasoning was just WACK and I felt like they were trying to justify themselves to themselves. But C is right they will love their kids to the extreme because they have nothing else.

  6. Sally

    Oh man. Seriously. Every time I think about this article, I’m torn between feeling sorry for how pathetic these women are, and being angry at their stupidity. “It’s always something” – so what if a man golfs???? You wouldn’t expect a man to like every single thing about you.

    These women have been brainwashed to believe that “The One” will be perfect in each and every way and there will be absolutely nothing wrong with him. Apparently, they are holding out for the second coming of Christ (but they’d probably try to make him get a haircut).

    Oh, and that German chick, Daniela, in the article? Just confirms my suspicions that Germans are the most fucked up people of all time (and I can say that, being half German).

  7. Joe

    Wait a minute, something doesn’t quite fit here. Aren’t married women always kvetching to their husbands about “you don’t help with the kids or the house”? Now, that leads me to believe women who take on the responsibility of a child (or brood of kids) NEED help. These women are saying they want kids, but don’t want any help. How narcissistic is that? And how schizo are women?

  8. Days of Broken Arrows

    Well, DCB you’re gonna spank me for this, but I have a confession. I’m a few years older than you and in my younger years I hooked up with one of these women who was a “single mother by choice.” I was liberal, idealistic and naive.

    READ THIS NEXT PART AND REMEMBER IT, PEOPLE: I have never, ever seen a more mentally disturbed kid in my life than her child. It was more like dealing with an animal than a human. This child was so starved ofr male attention and so depreived of identity, it was scary. At age 5, he tried to go to the phone book in search of his missing dad.

    The mom’s “decision” ruined her life, his life, and to a degree my own life. I wish there had been the internet and sites like this when I was younger. I was duped by the liberal feminist media, which celebrates all things female, no matter how stupid and harmful.

  9. nabeel

    Days of Broken Arrows, thanks for posting your experience.

    There was this girl at work a few years ago, and she was a single mother. I was tempted to ask her out, but I didn’t because we worked in the same office.

    Now I’m glad I didn’t!

  10. Joe

    Here’s a good Rule of Thumb for ALL single, heterosexual males out there:

    NEVER EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES get romantically, amorously, physically, or sexually involved with any woman who has a child or children from another man!

    There are far too many men who do this. Good, smart, good-looking men with great careers do this. There is NO EXCUSE for this, as there are too many unattached women without kids out there to choose from. If you can’t find quality dates in your area, MOVE OR TRAVEL. Just don’t get entangled with single moms! (My brother did and it basically ruined his life. I’m glad to say, I never have. And never will.)

    To paraphrase another (female) contributor on this blog, it makes me ashamed of my gender that single guys are doing this.

  11. nabeel

    Joe, are you the same guy who shit on DC as being the worst place for single men to meet women?

    I looked up the US census and it said that the DC area (including VA and MD) has a male-female ratio that is skewed towards women… women outnumber men in the DC area 53% to 47%

  12. DCRookie

    You sure these quotes weren’t taken from that Lisa Loeb trainwreck of a show on E!? I’d love to hear your take on that desperate bitch. She compares babies to dolls, wants to dress her babies in Hello Kitty gear, dates every gay man in a 5 mile radius and evenutally visits a sperm bank. #1 Single? More like #1 Spinster.

    And her ex, Dweezil Zappa? After dating Lisa for 6 years, he dumped her and 5 months later married a younger, hotter chick who is now preggers (Google:Lauren Knudsen).

  13. eltoroverde

    Fucking brilliant, DCB. Once again, you break it down and tear it all apart before putting it back together again. I got through about 1/3 of the actual article before I had to put it down myself as result of severe nauseau.

    Thanks for putting yourself through the hellish task and providing that wonderfully insightful and incisive interpretation. You went above and beyond the call of duty on this one.

    Bravo!

  14. Joe

    Nabeel, that’s a very lame, superficial answer to a complex issue. The male-female ratio has absolutely NOTHING to do with the chances of an average male (and in the DC area I was considered “average”) meeting quality women. I am about a 7 on the looks scale, well-educated (law degree), high income, extremely personable, funny, very generous, attentive, blah blah blah. I had a lot of friends like me in DC. I was looking for a woman who was in the 6-8 range lookswise, college educated, personable, open-minded, reasonably liberal, no hangups, and who didn’t lie or hate on men. (I preferred a Democrat but would even settle for a suitable Republican). I found the whole dynamic of dating and meeting women in DC a huge, hypocritical game in which women had virtually all the power and were always looking for guys who were 9-10, even if the women themselves were like 4’s or 5’s. (Note that this applies to WHITE AMERICAN women… in DC, except for one white, American GMU grad I dated when we worked at a defense contractor, the only girls who treated me with even a modicum of respect, and who didn’t have weird hangups, insecurities, or vendettas against men, were the one African-American girlfriend I had (Hampton U. grad), and the foreign girls I dated while living there. Every American chick I approached with any semblance of interest turned out to be a messed-up bitch, a liar, unethical, unfaithful, or had ridiculously high standards — i.e. they apparently wanted Ashton Kutcher’s face, Vin Diesel’s bod, Steve Case’s money, or whatever.) It was a massive, unbridled farce and I will NEVER return to DC as a single guy.

  15. Anonymous

    Looking at people like objects… the circle never ends. Men do it to women. Women do it to men. They do it to children. And you wonder why the whole dating scene is fucked up? We can’t get beyond looking at people as objects, a gross extension of our materialistic penchant.

    Men: That’s a nice piece of ass.

    Women: He makes lots of money and knows this person, that person, and this person!

    Both: Look at my kid! My kid is better than yours! My kid is an honor student at Stuffy Academy! My kids will have the best of everything…

    …except the best of ourselves.

  16. Joe

    Doesn’t that graph suggest the DVD sales are the result of the increase in undesireable women? I would suggest the opposite, that the increase in popularity of SATC (and other such drivel) creates more undesirable women.

  17. nabeel

    Whoa Joe, settle down there tiger 😉

    Sure, there may be some bad apples here and there, and its too bad that they ruined your DC experience. I’ve traveled to 2/3 of the states, and almost half of the world. I come back to the DC area, saying that DC is indeed a good place to live, and that women are pretty much the same everywhere (past the superficial differences and their idiosyncracies).

    You seem to think that the grass is greener on the other side, and you might be using your failed experiences in DC as an excuse to get away from DC. I can say that it’s not necessarily better anywhere else… might be different, but not better nor worse. I’m not necessarily defending the white american female, and you’re right about *some* of them, but at the same time it wouldn’t be fair to make sweeping generalizations about them. Some foreign women can be just as bad… like for example, some foreign born woman looking to marry some patsy just to get US citizenship or something.

    What I (and you, from what I gather) really want in a woman is one who has strong family values, knows how to respect a man, has integrity, is flexible, etc. They are out there, and they come in bigger numbers in big cities. You just have to know how to find a good woman, and weed out the wrong ones.

  18. o-face

    I looked up the US census and it said that the DC area (including VA and MD) has a male-female ratio that is skewed towards women? women outnumber men in the DC area 53% to 47%
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    Yeah, but its also got a humungous lesbian population as well. So you can drop that number down to about 33%

  19. Cock Diesel

    WOW! :amazed:

    What a devastatingly accurate slice of Americana. And ppl are worried about Iran, Iraq, and North Korea?

    What about this ever-growing, monster, warpig army in our own backyard?

    These mutant bitches are destroying society.

  20. nabeel

    Yeah, but its also got a humungous lesbian population as well. So you can drop that number down to about 33%
    —————

    And there’s the gay men population. Take away the married couples (they are both 50/50 because it takes a man and a woman to marry because gay marriage hasn’t been legalized yet). The leftover will still be skewed towards female.

    But I don’t know how many of these women are undateable … you might want to use Cock Diesel’s definition of “undateable” 😆

  21. KassyK

    It feels like everyone in this damn city is married. I’ve never met more people split down the middle of sleeping around or getting engaged. Its the most bizarre phenomnenon. What ever happened to just having fun? No sperm injections or sleeping with hookers…just normal fun?
    Hm.

  22. DC_Cookie

    How funny is it too that these women really only have to pay a couple hundy for a good male sample? Women can get paid $20K for their eggs.

    Men get the raw deal, yet again…

  23. wow

    HAHA…not really, guys get to jerk off to porn when donating sperm (i.e.: most guy’s favorite past time ANYWAY), while the process to get a woman’s egg takes a lot longer and there’s also physical risk involved. Maybe the disparity in monetary compensation is too large, but women should still get more money for their eggs regardless. But that’s a whole different conversation.

  24. Chaco

    DCB, pretty soon you may actually have fixed the female gender. You’ll be out of business as a popular blogger, but your dating life will be easier.

  25. Anonymous

    Have you ever considered that this kind of thing pisses you guys off so much because it renders you COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY (aside from the Aryan sperm donor, that is)? Maybe these women have been looking for a guy their own age who is after more than a 22 year old with 2% body fat and 50% silicone.

    The sad fact of the matter is that Mother Nature gave women a biological deadline for reproduction. Maybe some of them are crazy, but I admire the fact that they are going after something that is important to them and not just sitting around waiting for a man to wave his magic wand (ahem) and give it to them.

    How many of you guys ranting about single mothers would turn down Angelina Jolie (who comes with 2 kids)? She’s a little whack, too (hello kissing your brother and wearing a vial of blood around your neck?). But it seems like she was still good enough for Brad Pitt. And doubtful she would have deemed any of you good enough for her.

  26. P Font

    The part about the Indian donor was the worst. How are these women ALLOWED to have children?! Why aren’t the doctors doing us all a favor and just sterilizing them? They’re too stupid to be allowed to breathe.

  27. Johnny5

    “you know they?ll love their kid and give it everything it needs and wants”

    Except a father.

  28. Stephen

    To Anonymous:

    I would turn down Angelina Jolie in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t WANT her. If you think that all guys would take a woman just because she’s hot, you’re wrong.

    Honestly, you sound so bitter towards men that I wouldn’t be suprised to see you quoted in the update a few years time.

  29. CostaMesa

    Ah. Sad as it is to say, it’s nice to see that so many people validate my understanding of the self-centric bunch of useless turds that our country is filled with.

    When I was in the Netherlands buying machinery in ’97, I was asked by a factory worker: ‘Is everyone in the US was like the people on Jerry Springer?’ Plenty to go ’round…

  30. Scrib

    There was a special about this on TV about a decade ago – Murphy Brown era.

    The basic sentiment of the women involved was “I can’t handle a mature, adult relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I am SO ready to raise a child!”

    Yes, relationships are hard, that’s a fact. Raising a child is a relationship – and you might just have a boy. Learn to deal with a husband and father first…

  31. Gary

    ——–There was a special about this on TV about a decade ago – Murphy Brown era.

    The basic sentiment of the women involved was ?I can?t handle a mature, adult relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I am SO ready to raise a child!?

    Yes, relationships are hard, that?s a fact. Raising a child is a relationship – and you might just have a boy. Learn to deal with a husband and father first? ———

    Excellent post man! The problem is that women these days are becoming more and more immature because they’re allowed to think on their own. I’m sorry but women cannot function well on their own. It’s a known fact. We men have a tough time functioning on our own LoL. How can a woman do it? Impossible.

    It’s like a child saying it can do the same things and think the same way an adult can. 95% of the times this isn’t the case.

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  33. Anon

    And then they go after the sperm donors for child support.
    Fuck it, let ’em stay in the carpets and cats club.

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  35. Awww, yeeaahhh

    Excellent blogging !! Finally someone nails the “dating” problem in the USA. I’m in my forties now, and I’ve decided to give up. It’s so screwed these days, that I’m going to just forget about it. The media have done a great job in warping people’s minds as to what is “hot”, and desireable. As regards male to female ratios, look at it this way: If every woman wants bsically the same guy, where does that leave the rest of us? Those Flesh Light things work pretty well.

  36. anon

    why dont these women just adopt? it is selfish to bring a child into this world with only one parent. and there are orphans out there for whom one parent is better than none. maybe if these women werent so selfish they could actually keep a man.

  37. Abbie

    I’m 28 from Connecticut, and when I read most of these comments from you guys NO WONDER these women are buying sperm. So they don’t have to deal with the likes of uncompassionate, shallow, morons like yourselves.

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