DEALBREAKERS

We’ve all got them. I’m not talking nitpicky, Libby Copeland-type stuff. I mean major lifestyle choices, hobbies, and social behavior that is just unacceptable. Now, a dealbreaker is not a death sentence. If you are perfect in every other respect and then mention that you possess one of the dealbreakers, I *might* be willing to overlook it. On the other hand, if you are borderline, that db is going to be enough to make me be nice to you but if you try to close it is not going to work and I’m going to go home with your friend who has long nosehairs.

The most egregious dealbreaker, for me, is living outside the District. I don’t have a car, and while I really don’t mind taking the bus or metro to an easily accessible outside-the-district locale (say, Pentagon City), if you tell me that you live in Alexandria, it’s over. For one thing, that eliminates the possibility that I can without significant hassle – because I hate hassles – sleep over on a weeknight or bring homemade food to your parties. It also means that we really can’t do spontaneously fun things in my neighborhood together and it means that if we hang out, it will probably be for an extended period of time, and then I will want to kill you by the end of the day.

The second worst is telling me that you work for an asshole or an asshole company or organization. Granted, what constitutes an asshole is subjective but I can say right now that if you work for Senator Conrad Burns, a pro-life organization, or a certain PR company that I am not going to mention but has a major morally-bankrupt client, you might as well buy me a drink to apologize for being an asshole by ass-ociation (couldn’t resist) and then walk away slowly so I don’t kick you in the balls. However, there are things I can overlook if all other characteristics are in order, like working at Heritage Foundation, because I’ve never actually met an asshole who worked for them. If I do however, Heritage is going to be on notice.

Okay, thirdly, if you are into competitive biking or cycling or whatever you toolsheds prefer it to be called, then I am most certainly not interested in you. Lance Armstrong? Ha, I laugh at your tight pants and can’t believe that you are even able to be a womanizer. Mountain biking and casual city-biking is okay (I actually hate bicycles and haven’t been on one in about 10 years but I’m willing to make concessions), but if you’ve ever been one of those guys on the side of the road in the decorative spandex outfit, you can forget it.

Other. And this is a dealbreaker that can completely trump everything. If we are strangers and we’re talking and everything is fine and then you mention oral sex – in any way, even just telling me a seemingly innocuous story – I’m going to be polite but you’re basically dead to me. That is just not something you bring up in conversation with people you don’t know and in fact talking about it with men is probably going to ick most girls out. If it doesn’t, men you are either dealing with a real live megaslut or a total psycho who is later going to stalk you. Which if that’s what you want, then good.

Additionally, if we go out together and you don’t wash your hands after the bathroom, that’s disgusting. It’s even more disgusting if I call you out on it and you defend yourself for not washing your hands and try to give me some reason like that your penis is probably the cleanest thing you’ve touched all day. That’s a true story, and I almost threw up in my hands at the time, which I try to do only once a year, and hopefully only because of my own volition. But you can be damn sure that I wash my hands after and not try to claim that because it’s my own vomit and because it’s mostly acid anyway, my hands are now even cleaner!

Lastly, if you have a nut allergy, you’re a freak and I’m not going to stab you with an Epipen, nor am I going to go out with you ever because that’s just terrifying. Ever notice how these nut allergies only seemed to crop up in the last decade or two? Your parents probably did some completely fucked up drugs in the 70s and 80s and passed it onto you in your genes. Also, I’m not a baby-sitter and did I mention that I am not going to stab you with an Epipen just because someone breathed on you after eating a Nutrageous?

Anyhoo, I’ll be sauntering – prancing, even? – around at the HHH tonight, and I like free things so even though I am completely intimidating, please come buy me a drink and then we can talk shit about everyone.

43 thoughts on “DEALBREAKERS

  1. nabeel

    Oooh… looks like a fun topic. Let’s break this down.

    Your #1 DB is living outside the district? That doesn’t count – it has nothing to do with the person’s character or physiology. I call you “Libby Copeland II” on this one.

    #2 DB is being an asshole, whether by being one himself, or being one by ass-ociation. Let’s flip it around and would I want to date a woman who works for a “feminist” organization who always attacks and blames men for all their problems? Nah, I’ll pass. I rather be with a happy woman who doesn’t have a bad attitude about men and dating.

    #3 DB … snappy judgy aren’t ya?

    #4 DB … talking about oral sex in one of those first conversations with you, yeah I definitely understand this one. It’s a bad move for a guy to talk about sex with a girl that they’ve just met. That indicates poor game.

    #5 DB … not washing hands. How disgusting! You need to point me out to these guys because I don’t want to shake their hands!

    #6 DB … nut allergy. No comment there.

    Now about MY DBs: they have nothing to do with where a girl lives, what she does for a living (except hate on men), and what hobbies she has (except hate on men). If a woman doesn’t have integrity, flexibility, and a good and giving attitude… then there’s not a chance it’s gonna work. That’s it. Simple. It’s not really much to ask for. But how many women have all three qualities? Not many. Within a week or two of being with a woman, I can pick out two or three of her actions that indicate that she does not have those qualities. Shit, I can even detect red flags by reading some of their comments on this blog and FDDC!

  2. Murdoc

    ‘Ere’s another dealbreaker for ya, Sally, love:

    He seriously refers to himself as a Senator.

    Run in fear.

  3. KassyK

    Yep–Nabeel good points as well…Sally-I’m with you on the hand washing, nasty.

    For me a deal breaker is a guy that flirts heavily with my friends-that is just embarassing.

    Ignorance and tolerance are other ones for me (I know liberal liberal) but someone that is racist or judgemental and just dumb as rocks when it comes to the world–not the person for me.

  4. Phil

    Good call on the nut allergy. I dated a girl that had the nut alergy and a seafood alergy. I couldn’t take it after a year of dating and not being able to fly anywhere on vacation. Compound that with other issues and its NO DEAL

  5. anonymous

    in typical D.C. fashion, my #1 dealbreaker is if he works for a republican senator or representative. however, if he IS a republican sen./rep….

  6. Lonnie Bruner

    Good ones.

    Yea, like most of us, I’m originally from the suburbs, but I often wonder why anyone post-college would ever choose to live there. All that’s there are high schools, babies, old people and Macaroni Grills. (Shudder…)

  7. Anonymous

    Ya need to get over the republican-bashing kick, not so cleverly disguised as a “deal-breaker.”

    I’m a female, jewish republican who swears, drinks, and has sex on a first date. Plus, wait for it….I even listen to both sides of a story and I also talk to people to gauge personality BEFORE assessing character flaws (or not).

    My point? Don’t judge, it’s unattractive and bellicose…

    Of course, since deal-breakers are a personal choice, live and let live. I’m not one to teach/preach tolerance… that’s more of a parental responsibility.

    My deal-breaker for a guy? One testicle.

  8. holiday

    It’s sort of a dealbreaker for me if a guy talks about himself in third person, is shorter than me (I’m 5’4″) or has longer hair than I do (my hair is long enough). It’s also difficult for me to date guys that are vegetarians.

    Did anyone read the article in the Washington Post where the guy dumped his girlfriend because she liked to eat Taquitos from 7-11? I think he was a health freak.

    At any rate, whatever your preferences (shallow or not) you’re totally entitled to them.

  9. Anonymous

    Indeed, living outside DC – a definite no go. I have a car, but there’s just none chance I’m driving to Reston or wherever on a regular basis…

  10. Anon

    “Tolerance” is always important for women until kids come along and they start badgering their Mr. Tolerance to move them to a better neighborhood so their little Princesses and Princes don’t have to associate with, you know, THOSE kids of people.

    It’s also hilarious the way women nitpick everything, then turn around and look for “openmindedness.” But don’t worry — the younger version of Stan Marsh’s dad is waiting out there for you somewhere.

  11. Heather B.

    A friend of mine moved to Fairfax and I told him that we were no longer allowed to be friends. I’ll be damned if I’m hanging out in Fairfax, especially since I’m the one with the car.

  12. DCB

    Sally, I understand your argument about not wanting to date a guy outside of the city limits. I don’t like to date girls who live far myself. But i don’t get all the readers with the attitude of “living in the city is SOOO great.. i can walk to the coffee shop and get stupid drunk and not have to drive.” BIG DEAL.

    Me: $550 in rent to live in a HOUSE with front/back yard and carport for my bike

    Anonymous’: $1000 to live in a basement room that smells like mold

  13. Lonnie Bruner

    DCB,

    Right after college I lived in Rockville with my band for almost a year, and it felt like each month there was sapping a piece of my soul. I remember thinking people in DC were shallow when slamming the suburbs, and to an extent they are. But when I finally moved to DC, my quality of life improved so much that you couldn’t drag me back kicking and screaming.

    But in the end, who the hell cares what f’n ZIP code someone lives in. There are more important things to get self-righteous about.

  14. Anonymous

    DCB, this anon: row house with front and back yard in Cap. Hill, rental condo unit in DuPont. Not everyone is paying a grand to live in a moldy basement.

    Plus, add in your car payment (if any), plus car insurance (again, if any), and that $550 just got a lot closer to $1000.

  15. nabeel

    Yeah, for those of you who end friendships/relationships based on how far they live from the city… You guys should live in Los Angeles for a while. That city is friggin HUUUUUUUUGE and the driving distances are 30 to 60 miles on average… And take an hour or two depending on traffic. Insane. But to a native LAer, its nothing to them. Part of life.

    I’ll drop 100 bucks that DC metro area will keep expanding and expanding and eventually balloon to the size of LA in 20 years. And then if you wanna have a life, no more complaints about driving 20 miles to sleep over at someones place. Sure, its tough… but its part of life and you’ll just have to accept that.

  16. Chaco

    Facinating peek into the female mind. This explains to men how you can be in a bar or on a date talking up a female and you think it’s going great think it’s a lock…and then she never returns another one of your calls. It’s because, despite your great education, confidence, professional success, and pimp-tight game, you wear tigh Lance Armstrong-like bike clothes and she has “a thing” about that.

    DB’s for me:

    1. Being a bitch. Don’t care how hot you are, I am totally turned off if you are a bitch.
    2. Being overly uptight sexually. Hint: women enjoy it too.
    3. Being poorly educated or intellecually uncurious. I need a girl who can talk to me about something deeper than Opra.
    4. Not health conscious. I need a woman who trys to look her best and feel her best.
    5. Being a drama queen. Been there, done that, never again. If you have an issue, discuss it with me calmly.

  17. Sally

    Yeah, and I don’t hate on people for living outside the city, because many of my friends do. If I had brought my car with me, living on the outside would definitely be an option. As it is now I’m within 5 minutes of several different forms of transport (metro, bus, zipcar, cab). But, since I can rarely go somewhere exactly when I want, and must instead rely on other schedules, dating someone who lives a significant distance is just too difficult.

    That said, I’d like to point out that not having a car has saved me over $3k a year, so I feel entitled to spend more on rent and too many cable channels.

  18. KassyK

    Sally–agreed 100%. I live across the street from a metro and in walking distance of Dupont and Adams Morgan…saves a lot of gas/cab fare. But nothing against out of DCers—but without a a car (I gave mine up too)its hell to date someone far…

  19. nabeel

    Once I dated someone from Frederick, MD. We would see each other a couple times a week, and take turns in driving. I would drive to her one time, and she would drive to me the next time, and so on. I actually thought it would be difficult, but it wasn’t so bad.

    Granted, in those days gas prices were still under $2… and if I were to do that now, I’m not sure if I could do it as often as I’d like because I haven’t landed a permanent job yet. So some people not wanting to drive far distances especially now, its understandable. I do pity those who live in LA… eek!

    However, if we’re talking about living near the metro that’s different. For example, I’m in silver spring and I can take the metro down to Alexandria. If the girl I date doesn’t live near a metro in Alexandria, she can just take a 5-10 minute drive and pick me up from there and we’ll go to wherever we planned on going. There has to be some give-and-take somewhere – that’s what a relationship is all about, last time I checked.

    If it becomes too one-sided, like a guy always driving from Reston to DC to date his girl while she never makes an effort to drive. Or if she doesn’t have a car, she doesn’t at least take the metro orange line to Vienna and have the guy pick her up from there… then it’s not gonna work.

  20. RCR

    Having lived inside and outside of the District, I can say that my quality of life increased drastically after I moved into the District.

    And I prefer not to date girls who live outside of Ward 1.

  21. Charlotte

    While the distance from DC is annoying it is not a dealbreaker for me. My ex lived in Ballston and I gave him a lot of crap about it, but you deal. But i envy my roommate whose boyfriend lives a 10 minute walk away. They can hang out on a moment’s notice and don’t have to arrange a massive bus-metro-walking-parking drama just to sleep together.

    On the second point of working for an asshole company, i’m surprised this didn’t inspire more debate. One of my best friend’s works for a “fair and balanced” news organization and she always tells me that she hates people judging her for it. She doesn’t agree w/ the company’s politics and wishes people would give her more of a chance. But I think there is a fair argument that judging people on what they do is a pretty good way to judge people. If not on what you choose to do with your life, then what? Looks? Money?

    I realize there are a lot of different circumstances, especially because we are young and maybe didn’t have our choice of any job out there. There are jobs w/ bad companies that can give you good experience for the future…and i’m glad i met my friend before she started at Fox because i probably would have prematuraly judged her too.

  22. Oface

    Additionally, if we go out together and you don?t wash your hands after the bathroom, that?s disgusting. It?s even more disgusting if I call you out on it and you defend yourself for not washing your hands and try to give me some reason like that your penis is probably the cleanest thing you?ve touched all day.

    ***************************************
    FYI– That is so 50-60’s Howard Hughes. Researchers have discovered that your better off not washing your hands at all due to the fact that all those dirty bastards in the B room put there disgusting fingers on the faucets and door handles. Your just replacing old germs with new ones. Plus the TV remote is the dirtiest tool, NOT the Penis. High levels of fecal matter located on the remote. So i’m cool as long as you use a wet nap or baby wipe, but I’ll prefer that you wash your hands at home.

  23. Foobar

    It’s perfectly possible to wash your hands and leave the bathroom without touching anything that’s nasty. Use a paper towel to turn off the tap. Use a paper towel to open the door on the way out.

    Aren’t such tactics just a basic life skill?

  24. greg

    How you wasted twenty minutes of your life on this vapid screed, I have no idea. You obviously care enough about these “dealbreakers” to write about them, which means you typify the shallow DC pretentiousness that we disdain. I feel sorry for whatever man happens to land in your bed every night.

  25. Anonymous

    I now wonder what the definition of “spinster” is when you have a woman on your site promulgating such stupid dealbreakers as these.

    Some are understandable but all I see is just a judgmental “status driven cunt” as Cock Diesel pointed out. Great choice of intern, DCB. eesh.

  26. Charlotte

    I think all these anonymous posters hating on sally are just trying to defend the fact that they are part of the non-hand-washing crowd and they don’t want to admit that it is GROSS.

  27. Rant

    This is the very reason why on the first date you should never say one single word about yourself ask HER all the questions,inject humourous comment, bring her home and fuck her while shes too distracted to even do what Sally has just done.Typical chick analysis bullshit. He blinked when he said hello that must mean….

    The main problem is that normal rational laid back chicks are fucking tomboys that are rarely hot.

    I blame the media and magazines.

  28. DCB

    it’s a dealbreaker for me when I buy chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and my date digs for the cookie dough pieces while leaving all the ice cream behind. that really bothers me.

  29. Anonymous

    A deal breaker for me is dating a chick with two dogs. It means she is lonely and finds companionship in dogs over people, not to mention there is dog hair every where.

  30. hedonistic

    The usual dealbreakers almost don’t need mentioning: smokers, assholes, beer guts, lack of intellectual curiousity . . . thinks GW Bush is great and that the “towelheads” should be “nuked” . . . etc.

    But here is one inexplicable dealbreaker for me: Baseball caps. Especially indoors and/or worn backwards. Especially ones with logos on them. I suppose logo T-shirts also fall into this no-go-zone. I just don’t like them. Now, if you’re actually playing baseball, then, the caps are fine! Or, if all you’re doing is cutting the lawn or doing yard work, that’s fine too, wear the Budweiser T-shirt, in fact, wear whatever you want. But indoors after-hours? In a nice public place, trying to work your “game?” DUDE, get with the program!

    Same goes for cowboy hats. If you’re a cowboy, or out working the ranch, lovely, but keep it where it belongs: On the farm.

  31. hedonistic

    Oh, and the guy who ends up with me has to be willing to use an epi-pen without passing out. Nut allergies!!!

    No man has ever complained about my nut allergies. I can understand how the squeamish might have a problem with it though.

  32. Bill

    Everything that you mention with the exception of nut allergies is a choice on the part of the guy and, for the most part I agree. Bikes are lame, distance is not convenient, talk of oral sex with a stranger is almost always a bad call, not washing hands is gross, and working for assholes is just not cool, don’t help their cause. But the nut allergy thing is really bitchy.

    First, I’d rather not have a peanut allergy. I didn’t do anything to cause it. But you still blame me for it and call me a freak, that’s enlightened — Republicanesque, almost.

    Second, I ask questions before I eat so I’ve only had one serious incident in my life. And if I did come in contact with a peanut, I’d be the one dealing with it. As if I’d have some dumb girl without any medical training try to save my life.

    The women whom I have dated have universally been cool about it. I don’t make a big deal about it and I’m able to manage my own shit.

    Come on Sally, don’t be such an asshole. I’ve dated some bitchy women, but I’m really glad that I’ve never encountered anyone like you.

  33. Obvious

    Peanut allergies are absurd. Darwin wants you gone and so do I.

    Simply hilarious that Hedonistic is one of those. An obnoxious feminist with a nut allergy! Priceless!

  34. hedonistic

    Obvious . . . “hilarious?” Whoops! You just fell in the Asshole Pond! No sex for you! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

    Actually, my allergy is to Brazil Nuts, not peanuts. I rarely ever encounter Brazil nuts and don’t even carry an epi pen any more.

    But I “heart” those of you out there who have to deal with peanut allergies because peanut oils are everywhere. Not long ago a teenage girl DIED because her boyfriend ate a peanut and then kissed her.

    “Obvious” probably thinks this is hilarious too.

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