On Friday afternoon my friend and I went to the beach with Judy the blow-up doll and a huge cooler full of beer. I’ve been out with Judy in public enough times that I was used to the stares, picture-taking, and “nice girlfriend” jokes. I parked her underneath the umbrella because she doesn’t tan well.
I did not think about the logistics of trying to open beer bottles on a beach without a bottle opener. Neither did my friend, who spent at least five minutes trying to open one. Unfortunately this attracted some unwanted attention.
An old, morbidly obese man told us that alcohol is not allowed on the beach. We closed the cooler and thought about this for a minute as he went to tell the lifeguard. The lifeguard comes a few minutes later and tells us that alcohol is not allowed on the beach. That was fine with us becuase we can just get started later.
Five minutes later, the three teenage girls next to us said they think the old man called the cops on us. It’s obvious this guy wants us off the beach. I confront him and tell him that maybe he should mind his own business. He brings up God several times and asks me what kind of person would bring a blow-up doll on the beach. It was all about the doll.
Convinced that the cops were indeed coming, I thought it’d be a good idea to get the cooler back in the room. No evidence, no crime. I carried it back and return to the beach with a cop already talking to my friend. Then two more cops came. This story would have been a little different if I waited another minute to get the cooler off the beach.
Judy was my property so they focused their attention on me. “Why did you bring this here? Don’t you know this is a family resort?”
“This is my first time here. I don’t see what the problem is because she doesn’t have any holes.”
They were getting impatient and then the bad cop said, “Look we can take you to jail right now for disorderly conduct. Your doll is causing a scene.” I look around and notice that everyone on the beach within a half-block radius is staring at us.
“Well yes now that you guys are here there is definitely a scene.”
I gave them my real name, address, and birth date. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I wanted to give them a fake name but watching Cops as a kid taught me you could get in serious trouble for that.
They asked me to deflate Judy and take her back into the motel room. I did not want to deflate her because it’d take forever to blow her back up.
I said, “Well it’s easier if I just take her back to the room.”
“No, it will cause a scene. Deflate her.”
“Don’t you think it will cause a bigger scene if I stand here for 15 minutes trying to take the air out?”
“I don’t know how to deflate her.”
“There is a plug on the back.”
I really didn’t want to deflate her. One of the cops grabs Judy and pulls the plug.
“See, the air doesn’t come out.”
“Push the plug.”
“What do you mean?”
“Push the sides of the the plug and the air will come out.”
So I stood there for a while, with Judy embraced in front of my crotch, gently squeezing. Spectators are shouting comments now and you can hear laughing throughout the beach. People are standing up to get a better look.
The cops ask me for my room number and tell me that if I bring her out again, I’m going to jail. For the rest of the day I was the “guy with the blow-up.” Sure I liked being a legend for a day, but what’s the point of going to the beach if you can’t take a doll with you?