On Friday afternoon my friend and I went to the beach with Judy the blow-up doll and a huge cooler full of beer. I’ve been out with Judy in public enough times that I was used to the stares, picture-taking, and “nice girlfriend” jokes. I parked her underneath the umbrella because she doesn’t tan well.

I did not think about the logistics of trying to open beer bottles on a beach without a bottle opener. Neither did my friend, who spent at least five minutes trying to open one. Unfortunately this attracted some unwanted attention.

An old, morbidly obese man told us that alcohol is not allowed on the beach. We closed the cooler and thought about this for a minute as he went to tell the lifeguard. The lifeguard comes a few minutes later and tells us that alcohol is not allowed on the beach. That was fine with us becuase we can just get started later.

Five minutes later, the three teenage girls next to us said they think the old man called the cops on us. It’s obvious this guy wants us off the beach. I confront him and tell him that maybe he should mind his own business. He brings up God several times and asks me what kind of person would bring a blow-up doll on the beach. It was all about the doll.

Convinced that the cops were indeed coming, I thought it’d be a good idea to get the cooler back in the room. No evidence, no crime. I carried it back and return to the beach with a cop already talking to my friend. Then two more cops came. This story would have been a little different if I waited another minute to get the cooler off the beach.

Judy was my property so they focused their attention on me. “Why did you bring this here? Don’t you know this is a family resort?”

“This is my first time here. I don’t see what the problem is because she doesn’t have any holes.”

The good cop asked me for my name and I asked her why she needs it. She said it was to file the complaint but I wasn’t convinced. “What is your privacy policy? Am I going to be put on some list? Why do you need my name if I didn’t do anything illegal?”

They were getting impatient and then the bad cop said, “Look we can take you to jail right now for disorderly conduct. Your doll is causing a scene.” I look around and notice that everyone on the beach within a half-block radius is staring at us.

“Well yes now that you guys are here there is definitely a scene.”

I gave them my real name, address, and birth date. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I wanted to give them a fake name but watching Cops as a kid taught me you could get in serious trouble for that.

They asked me to deflate Judy and take her back into the motel room. I did not want to deflate her because it’d take forever to blow her back up.

I said, “Well it’s easier if I just take her back to the room.”
“No, it will cause a scene. Deflate her.”
“Don’t you think it will cause a bigger scene if I stand here for 15 minutes trying to take the air out?”
“Deflate her.”
“I don’t know how to deflate her.”
“There is a plug on the back.”
“What plug?”

I really didn’t want to deflate her. One of the cops grabs Judy and pulls the plug.

“See, the air doesn’t come out.”
“Push the plug.”
“What do you mean?”
“Push the sides of the the plug and the air will come out.”

So I stood there for a while, with Judy embraced in front of my crotch, gently squeezing. Spectators are shouting comments now and you can hear laughing throughout the beach. People are standing up to get a better look.

The cops ask me for my room number and tell me that if I bring her out again, I’m going to jail. For the rest of the day I was the “guy with the blow-up.” Sure I liked being a legend for a day, but what’s the point of going to the beach if you can’t take a doll with you?



  1. The MaDAsIaN

    Wow, I didn’t know how much a doll can cause so much drama. How did Judy feel about the situation? Did she feel degraded? Did she felt like her rights were taking away? Where does the law say you can’t bring a doll to the beach? Don’t little girls bring their barbie dolls to the beach? You should call the Senator and fight this in court. The nerve of these cops.

  2. Q

    DCB, I’m concerned that Judy is turning you beta. You certainly did put up with a lot of drama for her sake. I’m sure you’d have been more than happy to deflate any live girl who got the cops called on you and disrupted your vacation to that extent!

  3. Chaco

    There is one rule to dealing with cops, NEVER give them attitude. As soon as you give them any attitude, they will feel you are challenging their authority and they will make things much more diffiult for you. If you are cool with them, they will usually let you off easy. Saying something like “officer, you’re right, I apologize, I didn’t realize this would be such a family environment” would probably have helped a lot. After all, how were you to know that bringing a sex toy normally used by perverts to committ unspeakable acts of depravity would cause a stir with so many children around? 🙂

  4. Eugenius

    If I recall correctly we used “flotation device” excuse…….didnt work. They wanted our names before even telling us what was going on……

  5. TC the Terrible

    Could have been worse. The old dude could have tried to witness to you.

    Of course checking the local beach rules with the hotel before going might not have been a bad idea either.

  6. Anonymous

    In my state anyway, you are required to identify yourself upon demand to police officers, for any reason. In fact, if you are of age, you must carry identification on your person.

    I have a young child, and I would not appreciate it if you set up shop next to us with your sex toy and started cracking beers. That is inconsiderate of others. You and your friend may have cursed also (perhaps when you couldn’t get the caps off), which I notice many childless people do indiscriminately without any regard for those within earshot. I imagine if I respectfully asked whether you would consider relocating because I prefer to not explain to my child what a blow up doll is and “why those guys are drinking beer,” you would probably tell me to go fuck myself.

    One thing I have learned thus far: taking the time to consider how my actions affect others and treating all people with respect ends up being really beneficial for me in the end because of how people will respond and interact with me. Of course, it is a moral character trait as well.

  7. Jack

    Uh, why would you have a blow up doll in the first place? Oh god, I need to take a huge DUMP.

  8. Sally

    Anonymous, I’m pretty sure you’re the one who called me judgmental on another post. Look who’s judging now, you freak bitch.

  9. KassyK

    Wow…I had a feeling there would be some drama with Judy on the beach but nothing to this extent. She didn’t melt and you STILL had to deflate her. Oh the sadness. Freaking beach cops…

  10. Ayla

    DCB, it’s really rare for me to have better street smarts than you, so I’m a bit surprised but…golly day, of course you don’t take beer bottles on the beech. That’s what Thermoses and plastic cups are for. 🙂

  11. Raincouver

    I can just imagine you trying to file a “lost persons” report, if Judy ever went missing.

    “Any idea who may have kidnapped your girlfriend?”
    “Well, there was this old man in a speedo at the beach yesterday, he seemed to be obsessed with her…”

  12. Anonymous

    No Sally, it wasn’t me.

    Here is a metaphor to explain why the blow up doll was inappropriate and potentially unlawful:

    I bring a huge dildo to Disneyworld and hold it, caress it, and/or suck on it while sitting on a park bench. Perhaps I just lay down next to it while enjoying the sun. What’s the problem, I only want attention and for others to notice me and be offended so that I can feel rebellious and provocative? However, this is lewd behavior and I can be arrested for disorderly conduct or any other state statute which prohibits this type of conduct.

    Both products are sex products and are regulated. That’s why you can’t buy them in a regular store. Or apparently bring them out in public places. Maybe DCB should try bringing his laptop to Chuck E. Cheese and playing a porno to see what reaction he will get. Then he can write a huge blog post about it.

  13. Pagan Marbury

    The Delmarva Peninsula loves tourism but hates tourists. Your story is hilarious but it makes me sad. Dewey is also trying to re-invent itself as more family friendly, but it’s the drunken partiers who really put both places on the map.

    Did you check out Love Seed Friday night?

  14. Anonymous

    You should have offered to cover up Judy with a towel so you wouldn’t have to deflate her

  15. Charlotte

    Anon, I would have told a lie to my child about Judy. Something harmless like it is a joke, or like a teddy bear, or just another beach toy like a beach ball. I don’t think i realized a blow up doll was a sex toy until … far out of adolescence.

    I’m not a parent, but i tell you that i cured many illnesses as a camp counselor by telling children that 2 full glasses of water would probably make them feel better. Sometimes it is better not to get fully into things with kids. They will believe what you say.

    That said, i think your point is totally valid about people being selfish and inconsiderate. I’m resisting the urge to turn this comment into a rant about the most inconsiderate cell-phone hollering, bus-riding lawyer woman EVER, but i’m just saying that examples abound of assholes in this city (and everywhere) who care about only themselves.

  16. bettyjoan

    Anonymous, I truly fail to see how a blow-up doll with no genitalia (nor holes in which to place its owner’s) is a de facto sex toy, or is in any way comparable to a huge dildo. Please, for our sake and yours, get a sense of humor–otherwise, this is the wrong blog for you to read.

  17. Ken Lay from Hell

    Muhahhahahahhahahahahhahahahahh…..Dam conservatives are taking over…Jesus freaks and their values….Get the fuck out of here…..Pretty soon were gonna have pictures of George Bush in our house with all Jesus pics sitting in the trash….Nice….

  18. Wendy

    not free in America. Chances are the ones who should be “protected” don’t know what the hell a blow up doll is anyway, meaning children. Puritanical douches.

  19. Jada

    That was a hilarious story. You obviously were looking for the added attention. Why else would you have brought Judy with you. I guess you got more than you bargained for. Poor Judy.. no say in the matter at all. This all reminds me of the scene in The Wizard Of Oz where the witch has water thrown on to her and slowly shrinks. Thanks for the great laughs DCB. ” 😛 ” This was too funny.

  20. Lurker

    Hey anon, what if DCB had brought a naked barbie doll (a child’s toy, remember), complete with her big ass titties, and laid it next to him? Or do you not let your children play with dolls? Do you lie to them about what genitalia are too? The human form is only *dirty* because people like you want to make it dirty.

    People with kids need to stop thinking this world should bow down to them and their goddamn crumb snatchers. I put up with your kid pissing and shitting in soggy-ass diapers, undoubtedly leaking into the pool or ocean, so why don’t you shut the fuck up about a stupid doll.

  21. Anonymous

    I just laughed my ass off at the idea of Judy in the blowjob position as you grasp her, trying to push the air out of her.

    To the anon who thinks it’s everyone else’s job to shield her kid from something that “might” be a sex toy but is really just a floatation device – maybe you should stay home, homeschool your kid, and not let it out until it’s 18.

  22. Twoste

    A classic example of what it feels like to have nothing to do every day of your life.
    Fuck da po-lice.

  23. Jay Gatsby

    Assuming the story is true (I doubt it, but hey, it made for a great story anyway), it would have been better not to give any attitude to the police.

    Rather, I would have put Judy back in the room along with the cooler, then brought her out again with a camera after the cops left. Put her in various poses on the beach and proceed to take photos. In so doing, you are exercising your First Amendment rights to free speech (creating art) on a public beach. The police would have much less of an ability to make things difficult for you if the obese guy decided to call the cops again. If he did, you could take his picture as a part of your “art”. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be immortalized with Judy on film….

  24. Wendy

    jay makes an interesting point. Could this all have been done for arts sake? Would you have been able to sway the cops if it was the whole First Amendment thing?


  25. hedonistic

    I hereby claim my life as “Performance Art.” I am SO going to use that excuse the next time I’m stopped by a cop for doing something that offends community standards. I’ll let you know how it works out for me.

    No, really!

  26. aNoN

    DCB, the cop set himself up like that and you didn’t own him? How did he know EXACTLY how and where to deflate the blow-up doll? Or has Judy been creeping on you?

    but yeah, the Police killed Biggie.

  27. inSOMnia

    Yeah the first ammendment thing would have worked. AS long as its not causing a public harm by making people violent or invoking violence. I remember that from college.

  28. Eugenius

    while he was deflating the doll, her face was in his crotch as he was standing there, while people around him were watching……..

  29. JC

    >>>I have a young child, and I would not appreciate it if you set up shop next to us with your sex toy and started cracking beers. That is inconsiderate of others. You and your friend may have cursed also (perhaps when you couldn?t get the caps off), which I notice many childless people do indiscriminately without any regard for those within earshot


    Of course, the parents of young children also have a habit of allowing those children to run through other beachgoers’ areas or otherwise harass said beachgoers. Parents today are so freaking (see, I didn’t curse to protect your sensitive eyes) self-righteous and obsessed about their kids (see: any organized youth sports) that it confirms my decision to not have children, just so I don’t turn into one of those obsessive self-righteous types.

    Bottom line: Put a leash on it.

  30. s

    anon, dont come to this site if youre gonna sit and rant about how bad it coulda been for your child…plz, this blog isnt meant for you then.

  31. Anonymous

    wow i got a sex dummie to but i dont bring her in public by the way shes pregnate i have had sheril ans shyla is the one i have now i killed sheril and ripped her in many peices amd buried her in a vernal pool then the water came back and winter came and it froze so the bitch is dead and me and shyla are expecting one

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