HIGH TIDE

It’s a shame to see the tide turning against the Senator so rapidly. The kissy-kissy CPMC comments section has deteriorated with so many trolls that it makes my comments section look like the Care Bear happy hour. And with people freely ridiculing them, I’m not sure how they are going to return back to the time when you can read their posts without throwing up in your mouth. There hasn’t been an original, creative, or funny post on that site in months.

It is very unfortunate to watch the Senator, a grown adult, completely break down on the internet and start threatening to remove links (in a horrible regurgitation of one of my rather amusing posts). I can only imagine him sitting in front of his computer – in the middle of what I’m sure is another really busy work day – getting red in the face and all teary with emotion as he just can’t understand why everyone isn’t as interesting as him. And why other men’s girlfriends aren’t as hot as his. And why everyone else doesn’t start an exclusive mens club and smoke cigars while other people make fun of you for having the mentality of a little boy in a tree house that daddy built.

And that comes down to the differences between us; the Senator with his “dream” of reaching 1000 hits a day to put up ads, and me, whose dream of offending as many easy women as possible is accomplished weekly. Sure I’m living the life and many men wish to be me, but I’m offended by the Senator. I’m not offended as a blogger, or even as a man, but as an accomplished manipulator of people who can’t understand how people are not seeing through his gentlemanly act candy shell and into the typical insecure little man “please please give me attention because I wish I was Kelly Ann Collins so bad that her former roommate is now like totally my best friend” gooey center.

Senator: If you are reading this right now, which I doubt since I’ve had to ban you multiple times for “anonymous” trolling, I implore you to please shut down your page before you become a laughing stock. You’re not far from it as it is. No one takes you seriously anymore, and you won’t make much money if your page eventually reaches your ultimate life dream goal. Judging by the amount of bloggers that make fun of you on your page and to me in private, it’s just a matter of time until your friends stop taking you seriously as well.

Remember when you first published your blog and you e-mailed me nicely asking for a link? You seemed like a good guy so I gave you that link, and Kelly Ann and I played a large part in giving you the audience you have today. Unfortunately, though, I made a horrible mistake, and gave a two-faced gossip a chance to be heard in the local scene. I feel like Rocky Balboa in Rocky V when he trained up-and-comer Tommy Gunn. Tommy got all cocky and decided to get trained by a flashy Don King clone promoter, but turns out that Rocky was key to guiding him to success. This was obvious in the end when he couldn’t even beat up the retired Rocky in a street fight. The point of this analogy is that I will never forgive myself. I welcomed your page onto my own, only to be disgraced by your retarded, attention-whoring personality. It’s very easy to pretend to be a different person online, but as time goes on you slip and your fake persona gets exposed for all to see and the gentlemanly fraud that you are is looked upon by everyone else as nothing but a pathetic cover-up of a weak character. The truth always comes out in the end.

Oh, and can you please stop mentioning the way you and the Florist met, when she had to approach you? It kinda sounds like you just went out with the first girl who talked to you. And the fact that you are freely admitting that a woman has more balls than you leads to the ultimate irony: the president of a men’s club is going out with a girl who is more man than him.

81 thoughts on “HIGH TIDE

  1. Anonymous

    do you realize how stupid people think you are, “the senator”? oh my god. listening to you blog is like watching elaine dance on seinfeld.

  2. The Senator

    Well at least I am not a banana eating hairy monkey like all the people here. Seriously people get with the program. Dont eat the bananas suck on them. Come to my blog for interesting commentary on cooking.

  3. Muffin

    “Come to my blog for interesting commentary on cooking.”

    Ok, that takes the fucking cake. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

    How about;

    “Come ot my blog for tips on how the average mainstream douche bag picks up ladies. Tonight’s dilemma: A candlelit bath or a massage to the musical stylings of Dave Matthews? Let me tell you how many hymens I broke thanks to ‘Satillite'”

  4. The MaDAsIaN

    Awwww what can they sue ppl for?? insults? what a bunch of losers like i said before. Get over it what can they do but pout.

  5. LaLa

    “Dear Judge Joe:

    I am a douchebag who has a bland yet self-important blog where me and my Boyz Klub write about bars that were hot two years ago and latch onto charity event organizers and more popular bloggers like plastic clings to Joan Rivers.

    And yesterday this really mean guy with a soul patch called me out for being a tool and all of a sudden everybody started saying bad yet searingly accurate things about me and my blog and my klub! And even though my real name or personal information was used, and even though I have subjected myself to public scrutiny by creating a public forum…I’m gonna (how do you say it?) sue for libel and shit! Give me some money! So I can buy some new readers and a better tie! Yeah!

    What? Well…no, I don’t really have any sort of legal claim here…it’s just that my most recent posting makes it look like I’m backing away from a “blog war” faster than a cockroach skittering off into a corner when the lights are turned on. So I’m trying to save face, here, Judge…what? I ‘don’t have a leg to stand on’? And I just look like an even bigger douche?

    Aw, man. That sux.”

    The Senator

  6. cpmctroll

    LEGAL DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING COMMENT OBVIOUSLY CONSTITUTES A FACTUAL STATEMENT OF THE AUTHOR’S OPINION, AND MAY OR MAY NOT REFLECT ANY ACTUAL IDIOCY ON THE PART OF THE SENATOR:

    the senator is an idiot. his ability to link to the fourth google result for “libel slander defamation” doesn’t constitute legal expertise and certainly doesn’t intimidate anybody. begging for the flamers to back down doesn’t make him any less of a pretentious twit, though maybe being less of a pretentious twit might be a start.

  7. Phil

    I’d presume that was done tongue-in-cheek.

    Perhaps the Senate Judiciary Committee will question Judge Roberts on his stand on the issue.

  8. seenster

    What was I referred to as?

    “coke-snorting, racist, 22-year-old-blogger-something, electrionic -terrorist-supporting website”

    Yeah, libel slander defamation makes total sense.

  9. cpmctroll

    Yeah Phil, and while i’m presuming that his link was tongue-in-cheek i’m also going to presume that this is all the Senator’s awesomely clever publicity stunt instead of the publically embarrassing flailing that it actually is.

  10. Anonymous

    Cookie and lala you both are hilarious. The Senator is a self-righteous egomanaic who will do anything for some publicity. The best thing anyone can do is stop reading his blog.

  11. cpmctroll

    The real irony is that by locking the trolls out, CPMC loses almost all of its audience. As site traffic goes down, the war publicity dies and the Senator needs his ego stroked by the possibility of potential anonymous praise, watch him reenable anonymous comments.

  12. LaLa

    Uh…OK anonymous.

    Anyway, try though I might (read: not at all), I can’t get over the fact that their latest post is called “Dancing With Lawyers.” No…really.

    Step off, DCB: Or you might be called to dance. With a lawyer.

    What could have been just a fair-enough white flag of a post had to be ruined with the poop stain of an empty legal threat.

  13. Mister Jinxy

    Oh, I just noticed this. Actual E-mail exchange between myself and CPMC. They e-mailed me first. Read from top down:

    Cleveland Park Men’s Club wrote:

    Jinxy,

    Drink some vodka and relax.
    CPMC

    From: Mister Jinxy
    To: Cleveland Park Men’s Club
    Subject: RE: [Cleveland Park Men’s Club] 9/14/2005 11:55:50 AM
    Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 02:01:27 -0700 (PDT)

    Please do us all a favor and quit taking yourselves so seriously.
    Thanks,
    Signed:
    The World

    Cleveland Park Men’s Club [email protected]> wrote:

    We never did.

    Wait. Why do you call yourself Mr. Jinxy?

    Who gives themselves a nickname? You can’t do that man. Do your friends call you Mr. Jinxy?

    Lol…or do you call yourself that?

    From: Mister Jinxy
    To: Cleveland Park Men’s Club [email protected]>
    Subject: RE: [Cleveland Park Men’s Club] 9/14/2005 11:55:50 AM
    Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 07:48:51 -0700 (PDT)

    You’re right,…..

    …”The Senator”, and “The Chef”, and “The Economist” and “El Grecco”.

    *cue rolling of eyes*

    Just don’t sue me, OK?

    Last word from me.

    Carry on with your bad selves.

    Cleveland Park Men’s Club wrote:

    Actually, for the record, not one of us made up our own stupid nickname.

    BRILLIANT!

  14. The MaDAsIaN

    As you can c the CMPC and the Senator say they want to end the blog war but they keep making posts and keep harassing other bloggers like this. DO us all a favor Senator GRoW some FUcking Balls Man, be a fucking man and just give up. U talk about peace but yet you are still making comments on other ppls blogs because they don’t c eye with your SHITTY crappy page. Your a fucking joke man!! Just do what u do best and talk about yourself and how you guys compare to yourself to a HBO show how pathetic!! That?s like my little brother and his friends comparing themselves to the Power Rangers. Grow up and throw in the white flag u fucking Losers. Oh yah, if you dont like what i said and im sure you don’t then sue me then.

  15. L

    DCBeyotch, I want to thank you again for your post about not drunk-dialing. Really, it has been very helpful and kept me from recklessly using certain phone numbers. For that alone I will say that your blog wins.

  16. seenster

    New Category on this blog: Message Board For Readers To Critcize DCB v. CPMC.

    Because that’s what every comments section has turned into, basically.

  17. Anonymous

    The Senator is not asking for a truce. He just is worried about his readership dropping because of his disassociation with other bloggers. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. He only does things that are to his personal advantage.

  18. SenatorAmericana

    “How can anyone qualify as Girlfriend after 4 weeks?

    Comment by Sudamericana on 09/14/05.”

    GodDAMN this is funny.

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