HOW TO HANDLE YOURSELF IN A CLUB

There are two kinds of American males in this country: white men and white guys. I work with a lot of white men. They are respectful, intelligent, and relatively pleasant to be around. White guys, on the other hand, are the beer chugging mouth breathers who can’t let go of fraternity life into their 20’s, even though they were never in a fraternity. Normally white guys are harmless, but under the influence of alcohol some of them like to look for fights. My many unfortunate encounters with white guys have led to these handy five points for self-preservation in clubs:

1. Stand-up straight. Nothing says beta-male loser than a guy who is unsure of himself.

2. Make eye contact with potential troublemakers. As the night goes on and the white guy realizes he’s not going to get laid, he starts looking for men to bump into to satisfy his aggressive needs. A little eye contact causes them to move on to easier targets.

3. If a confrontation is about to begin, get into a half fighting stance and just stare him down. The white guy has bark but no bite, so he just needs someone to breath onto after being rejected by half of the women in the club.

4. If he continues to get into your face, make a decision to get into a fight or run like a little bitch. Once you make your decision, go with it and follow through. If I make the decision to fight (which I usually do because I’m really strong), either I’m getting beat up or he’s going to get hurt.

5. Put your drink down. It’s hard to fight when you are holding your cranberry and vodka in one hand. The color of your drink sends a weak message to your opponent.

It won’t come to blows if he thinks you are ready to fight because his main goal is to pick fights with guys who are likely to back down. Eventually you learn to avoid the places where they hang out, deciding to share your nights with international superstar wannabes who would do anything to avoid confrontations that may ruffle their expensive French Connection shirt.

25 thoughts on “HOW TO HANDLE YOURSELF IN A CLUB

  1. Liz

    Mouth breathers, hahaha.

    Speaking of mouth breathers, the office where my new job is is right around the corner from Hammerjacks. 😀

  2. DCB Post author

    It’s generally acceptable to trash the majority race, or a race that is in your blood. For example, see any black comedian’s stand-up act.

  3. CatCiao

    “The ‘you might be a redneck’ jokes are the most cruel.”

    American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

  4. Tony Sinclair

    Hey liz STFU— If anybody wanted to be edited on prudent social behavior, they wouldn’t ask for your f-ing opinion. K freak!!!

  5. Black Comedian

    OOOhhhh, i love the challenge from the white guys. White guys will apologize for everything they’ve done if they step to a brotha. Hilarious!!! They realize that the big black guy might be carrying a gun or a knife and shank that ass. But for black guys, messing with white guys is worth zero points becuz they’ll never stand up for themselves. Thats why i stopped whipping there asses in the club.

  6. Liz

    Oh my God, you all are so hilarious for attempting to rip on me.

    Let me go run away and cry now.

    Idiots.

  7. Anonymous

    The obvious difference between DCB’s reference to “white guys,” and CMPC’s reference to “greasy Columbians,” is that “white guys” is completely unspecific. If DCB specifically degraded Italians, Germans, the Polish, the Irish, or some other individual ethnicity, I suspect you’d have seen more of a backlash.

  8. I am Charlie

    DCB-DJ rockin Horse-Chin Spoosh-Skinny Dude claiming to be strong whipping white guys. I would have to see it to believe it.

  9. The Senator

    “The obvious difference between DCB?s reference to ?white guys,? and CMPC?s reference to ?greasy Columbians,? is that ?white guys? is completely unspecific. If DCB specifically degraded Italians, Germans, the Polish, the Irish, or some other individual ethnicity, I suspect you?d have seen more of a backlash.”

    Comment by Anonymous on 06/13/05.

    Yeah, obviously. So, Capo should have just said “Hispanics.” Anonymous, you are dumb.

  10. Anonymous

    Senator: You, my friend, are the dumb one. Your friend continually uses offensive racial slurs, but yet a good progressive like yourself rises to his defense.

    But enough of that here. Why don’t you just keep your attention-grubbing to your own sorry site, instead of spreading it across the net? Thanks, my friend.

  11. Anonymous

    Senator,
    You and your crew need to get a thicker epidermis…if you and your boys are going to make provocative statements — you need to accept the fact that you’re going to get some backlash from people who don’t agree. You guys try to pass yourselves off as gentlemen and get all upset when someone calls you out. When you put yourselves “out there” be prepared for the scrutiny. Furthermore, all of your “holding the door for a lady” stuff is superficial bullshit…window dressing that doesn’t mean a thing in regards to true character.

  12. Hahahahhahahahah

    Dam Senator is a racists??? He say anything about black people??? Cuz if he did i would whip his skrawny ass. Dude i know where you hang out, so just let me know what he says. Typical dipshit, always talking shit about everybody, but when it comes time for confrontation he’ll be the first one apologizing. Spineless Fuck!!!

  13. Cleveland Park Men's Club

    “You, my friend, are the dumb one. Your friend continually uses offensive racial slurs, but yet a good progressive like yourself rises to his defense.”

    Racial slurs? White people are being made fun of in this post…based, we suspect, in first-hand observations. No big deal, right? Isn’t that hypocritical of you, Anonymous?

  14. spyder11

    It frustrates me to no end that the Anonymous posters are too chicken shit to post their real nicknames.

  15. AngryBlackMan

    “It?s generally acceptable to trash the majority race, or a race that is in your blood. For example, see any black comedian?s stand-up act.”

    True

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