There are two kinds of American males in this country: white men and white guys. I work with a lot of white men. They are respectful, intelligent, and relatively pleasant to be around. White guys, on the other hand, are the beer chugging mouth breathers who can’t let go of fraternity life into their 20’s, even though they were never in a fraternity. Normally white guys are harmless, but under the influence of alcohol some of them like to look for fights. My many unfortunate encounters with white guys have led to these handy five points for self-preservation in clubs:
1. Stand-up straight. Nothing says beta-male loser than a guy who is unsure of himself.
2. Make eye contact with potential troublemakers. As the night goes on and the white guy realizes he’s not going to get laid, he starts looking for men to bump into to satisfy his aggressive needs. A little eye contact causes them to move on to easier targets.
3. If a confrontation is about to begin, get into a half fighting stance and just stare him down. The white guy has bark but no bite, so he just needs someone to breath onto after being rejected by half of the women in the club.
4. If he continues to get into your face, make a decision to get into a fight or run like a little bitch. Once you make your decision, go with it and follow through. If I make the decision to fight (which I usually do because I’m really strong), either I’m getting beat up or he’s going to get hurt.
5. Put your drink down. It’s hard to fight when you are holding your cranberry and vodka in one hand. The color of your drink sends a weak message to your opponent.
It won’t come to blows if he thinks you are ready to fight because his main goal is to pick fights with guys who are likely to back down. Eventually you learn to avoid the places where they hang out, deciding to share your nights with international superstar wannabes who would do anything to avoid confrontations that may ruffle their expensive French Connection shirt.