Back in the day I used to go to Hammerjacks in Baltimore to grind on white, dirty skanks. I went with an international crew of guys that included a friend of mine who is now in medical school. He’s a laid-back character who generally doesn’t care what other people think of him. What he’d do in Hammerjacks was to grab the ugliest girl in the club and say, “Hey, my friend wants to talk to you,” and then point to me. The ugliest girl in the club doesn’t get approached often so of course she’d bite. During those uncomfortable moments, inventing excuses to get away from girls who are at the bottom of the evolutionary ladder, I didn’t realize how golden my friends line actually was. Nearly two years passed before I started using it, with more success than any of the other lame openers I tried.

The line has to be done with a friend who is standing very close to you; he can’t be halfway across the bar talking to some other girl. About forty percent of girls don’t stop, saying something like they have to the bathroom to fix their hair for someone other than you. If she sticks, guide her to your friend, who is sure to bomb in 30 seconds (not many guys can perform under this type of spontaneous pressure), whereby you continue the conversation by saying how you go to church with the club owner’s mother.

I really didn’t like the forty percent failure rate of this line so I turned on my brain and experimented with a couple things. Finally I found a variation that gets it down to about ten percent: “Hey, my friend wants to tell you something.” It should be obvious why this works better: she thinks the friend is going to say something specific about her, so she’s INSANELY curious. Who wouldn’t be? So simple, yet so very effective. I give this line to you, dear reader, because I need someone to carry the torch as I ease into club retirement.

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