I’ve had my wisdom teeth in for years now and they’ve caused zero problems. So what they’re impacted. I don’t really understand the concept of going through surgery with its long recovery time and possible complications to address a problem that may never arrive. I figure this is a money-making scheme that starts at the top of the American Association of Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeons and trickles its way all the way down to the American Dental Association. But I succumbed. The nagging has gone on for three years, and I hate nagging. Plus I’m young with health insurance, and it does seem odd that I have teeth sticking out halfway through my gums. Besides, I’m sure teeth extraction technology has advanced from the days of metal tools and pliers. The doctor will vaporize my teeth with a friggin’ laser beam in a bloodless operation.
I decided beforehand to get local anesthesia only. I think it’s fine for women to go under because they are physically weak and can not handle pain. But no real man would go under to just get a couple teeth pulled. I also wanted to avoid the weird anal soreness side-effect of anaesthesia that happened to me last time I went under.
The first thing I noticed when I got in the operation room was the dental tray of metal tools and pliers. There was a 40 mL syringe of Novocaine, which by syringe standards is gigantic. (For a simple cavity, the syringe is no large than 5 mL.) The most painful part of the entire surgery was in the beginning when the doctor had to poke all over my mouth with this needle. Note: the roof of your mouth does not like getting stabbed with a sharp object. I anticipated the pliers to make an early appearance but was surprised when he pulled out a small metal stick instead. He put it against a wisdom tooth at top and just pushed down with moderate force. It came out within 30 seconds. “Wowww that wazzzz eeeeassy!” (Remember my mouth was completely numb.)
The next tooth was at the bottom. The same stick did not do the trick. He brought out a lot more metal sticks and used a bit more force. Then the drill came out. It was the biggest drill I’ve ever seen in my life. He would drill a little bit then attempt to use brute strength to get the tooth out. It still wasn’t coming out. He brought out the pliers for this one and I learned that teeth are pretty loud when they crack. Several times he braced against the chair and my body to get enough leverage to muscle the tooth out. I remember his arm was pressed against my forehead at one point, like he was trying to put me in a sleeper hold. All that force was going into one side of my jaw so I asked for a few breaks. During one break, the doctor looked frustrated and walked out the room.
He came back five minutes later and poked my mouth with some more Novocaine. “Oh no, he’s going to bust out with some experimental shit!” He would use a tool, slam it on his table, sigh, then stare at all his tools for a couple seconds to decide what to use next. I tried to pretend I couldn’t see the frustration in his face. He was mad at my tooth, and was tired of taking its shit. Who did the tooth think it was fucking with? Finally after about 15 minutes, before having to bring out the saw from storage, he got it out. I needed a break. I stood up and noticed my “Grandma Loves Me” bib was covered with blood.
He had a different strategy for each tooth. The last tooth got a lot of plier action: pulling, cracking, twisting. After about five minutes, I heard him say “Jeez!” as he pulled the final monster from my mouth. It was gigantic and ugly, like a turd left by a medium-sized animal. It was over. There is no fourth tooth because I’m a mutant.
Advice to those of you who still have your wisdom teeth: DON’T DO IT. And if it eventually does cause problems, only take out one at a time. You will be less likely to go through days of recovery, where the different stages of your facial appearance represents a species from the animal kingdom:
Day 1: Elephant man
Day 2: Chipmunk
Day 3: Hamster storing peanuts
Now excuse me while I go wash the blood spots from my pillowcases.