Interesting Dear Prudence letter:

I am a 21-year-old woman who married four months ago. I have been with my husband for six years and in that time grew to love him more and more each day. At this point, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But he insists that we make love every day, and we have been doing that for years. I now regret that the passion I once had isn’t there. I feel like I am doing it just for him and don’t know how to approach him (it is a very sensitive situation).

The answer:

Suggest he pursue an exciting new career as a driller on an offshore oil rig. Or an astronaut on the International Space Station. On the surface, there’s nothing that unusual about a very young man with a willing sexual partner wanting to do it all the time. But there’s something in your account that smacks of compulsion?hasn’t he ever had a cold, been too tired from work or school, or just wanted to watch sports? … But if, in response to your request, he whines or bullies, then you need joint counseling?you can find referrals at the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. (emphasis added)

Only in America would someone recommend a man go to counseling for wanting sex from his wife. Do you think when he got married he thought he’d face the prospect of infrequent sex while still in his early 20’s?

33 thoughts on “ONCE A DAY

  1. Spanky

    Um, if I read correctly, the man is getting sex every day. That’s hardly “infrequent sex.” And isn’t New Prudie (who sucks compared to Old Prudie) just recommending that the woman tell the truth to her husbanb – that she might not actually want to have sex every time he does? And that if he whines or otherwise tries to manipulate her through passive-aggressive emotional bullshit, that she do something about it?

    I don’t know about you, DCB, but a guy who has to whine his way into sex doesn’t deserve sex.

  2. Jay Gatsby

    Gee, she has sex every day FOR YEARS, and then, only FOUR MONTHS into being married, decides that she doesn’t want to do that anymore. Put differently, she stays with her man for six years, convinces him she’s a sex fiend who wants it every day, he marries her, and boom no more daily sex after only four months of marriage?

    As for joint counseling, why does he have to go? She’s the one with the problem. He hasn’t changed. If her passion for him is waning, then perhaps divorce or annulment is appropriate. Why spend the rest of your life (in her case, 60+ years) married to someone with whom you are no longer sexually compatible?

  3. Sweatpants

    You know, call me crazy, but if I was with someone for six years and we had sex every day, I would pretty much figure that she liked having sex every day. So why is he the one with the compulsion problem?

    It’s interesting that, after years of daily sex, as soon as marriage rolls around, she doesn’t feel like doing it so much anymore. I doubt she changed her feelings on purpose or anything, but it’s still really strange. Like, maybe the ring really is some sort of magical portal to no-sex-or-BJs-land.

  4. Jewcano

    Y’all missed the math, too. 21, been with him 6 years, sex every day. Therefore, these two have been banging since she was 15. How do you get a 15-year old to fuck daily, take her to the mall a lot? This story is just gross.

  5. Anon

    It really annoys me when I hear women say, ?I don?t feel like having sex with my husband anymore, I?m (insert excuse here).?

    Frequently men don?t ?feel? like going to work every single day, keeping up the house, shoveling snow, mowing the lawn, and dealing with irritating in-laws, but they do it, and they never complain.

    Men don?t ask for much in a marriage. All they want is frequent sex and to be treated with kindness.

  6. V

    Holy shit…15 and married at 21! What’s the over/under on his age now?

    And, I agree it’s pretty sketch that she waits until after the nuptials to say that they might not be as sexually compatible as she led on, but still, when sex becomes more obligation than emotion, you’re on your way to some serious problems. Sounds like that’s an understatement with this couple though…

  7. DC Pimp

    If she doesn’t want to bang, she could at least give him a BJ on the daily or let him have sex with one of her friends.

    But seriously, I understand a 21-year old dude wanting to get his rocks off everyday, but the same chic for six years straight? Dude needs to mix it up with some lube and a ten.com subscription.

  8. Spanky

    ‘Frequently men don?t ?feel? like going to work every single day, keeping up the house, shoveling snow, mowing the lawn, and dealing with irritating in-laws, but they do it, and they never complain.’

    Ah, yes. Sex for women = shoveling snow or mowing the lawn for me, something you do because you have to, not because you want to, and which you accept stoically, rather than complaining over.

    Man, the ladies must be begging to fuck you.

  9. Roissy

    marriage is a raw deal for men. if withheld sexual favors don’t do it, divorce theft and monogamy should convince any man of that.

    “Ah, yes. Sex for women = shoveling snow or mowing the lawn for me”

    you write like a sackless wonder. i imagine you think this helps you get laid with progressive liberal chicks.
    it won’t.

  10. Spanky

    “Marriage is a raw deal for men.”

    Which explains why men have been getting married for thousands of years, no? I guess those women are just so good at tricking us.

    “You write like a sackless wonder.”

    Because, again, you equate “things I don’t like” with “things that aren’t male.” In other words, the feminine frightens and disgusts you. Good to know that you’re acting out your deep-seated insecurities over women in your dating and blog-commenting life. I realize the vagina might seem strange to you, but really, it has no teeth and it will not castrate and consume you.

    “I imagine you think this helps you get laid.”

    Because no man can have a thought that’s not directly related to getting laid? You hold our sex in such high esteem. It’s no wonder you think men get tricked into marriage if we’re as stupid as you insinuate we are.

    Sorry, sex is not a duty for either gender. If all you have been doing is having sex with women who view sex as a joyless duty, it’s no wonder you have such disdain for them. Hint: if they actually enjoy it, it’s better for both of you.

  11. KassyK

    Wow, when I was 21 I didn’t even know what I liked sexually so I can imagine he is probably not even getting GOOD sex…

    I think this entire being married at 21 thing is so off the rocker anyway that this whole argument is off to me.

    PS–SOME WOMEN ENJOY SEX DAILY!! It’s not a myth. And guess what–some women like being in a relationship and don’t want to get married or still want sex after they are married.

    Jesus–what women have you bitter men been dating? Get out there and give the quality girls a chance…there are some of us left yet.

  12. Roissy

    “I guess those women are just so good at tricking us.”

    ‘it’s a trap!’

    “In other words, the feminine frightens and disgusts you.”

    sackless wonder ploy #215 in a series:
    accuse tormentor of fear of women.

    “Because no man can have a thought that?s not directly related to getting laid?”

    occasionally my mind drifts to thoughts of galactic imperialism.

    “You hold our sex in such high esteem.”

    ‘our’? i’m beginning to suspect you are a woman impersonating a man impersonating a woman.

    “If all you have been doing is having sex with women who view sex as a joyless duty”

    false premise.
    how many husbands say the frequency of sex with their wives increased after they got married?
    after they had children?
    i rest my case, yeronner.

  13. mhm

    In which level of Dante’s inferno is it that you have to sex with the same woman daily for six years. The horror, the horror.

  14. hedonistic

    Good god, she’s a human being, not a fuckbot.

    By buying a woman ring and saying “I do” you do not buy the right to sex on demand forever. She is not a commodity. Sorry, that’s just a fucked-up male fantasy/delusion, and reality bites hard.

    Women are human beings, idiots. Human beings – men AND women – have sex drives that wax and wane with hormones, stress, health, mood, children, fatigue, boredom, what have you.

    If you think the person you marry will never change, you don’t deserve to get married.

    So riddle me this: Why is it OK – and expected – for a man to get bored with his wife, but it’s not OK for a woman to get bored with her husband?
    The knife cuts both ways, dudes, get over it.

    If done right, marriage lasts a looooong time. There will be times when your sex drives are not well matched. Don’t presume it will always be the woman who’s not in the mood; someday it might be YOU whose sex drive is off. Surprise! Your dick is NOT MAGIC! You are human!

  15. WithaY

    Spanky — I’d do you any time. Sex when one person doesn’t feel like it should be rare. It’s much better when everyone’s happy.

    and KassyK, you’re totally right. It took me until I was post-25 to be good enough and practiced enough at sex that I could reliably turn any sex into good sex, even if I didn’t start out in the mood. Of course, I didn’t start banging on a daily basis when I was 15.

    This girl needs to sleep with a couple other people.

  16. needtsza

    Kass – have you not met most of the women in DC? Sex on the daily is not the norm. At least, that’s what most of us are told (and don’t even start on the whole “if y’all were better looking”

    but anyway

    if he wants to bang the same chick, day in and out ;), god bless him. This lady is complaining about it. Amazing. WOmen are impossible and here is example #1.
    I mean, lady, keep bitching. Then he can go screw somebody else to shut you up. Ya like that?

    I do it just for him…..way to GO! Ain’t that marriage? and wtf btw, you married him and you didn’t know he liked to bang daily?

    Welcome to knowing a guy. (and some ladies as KK would say)

    Counseling. that’s just funny. Maybe try some new stuff? or maybe You need counseling.

  17. Jay Gatsby

    Hedonistic — she may not be a “fuckbot”, but you have to wonder why her passion disappeared only FOUR MONTHS into the marriage. I think it’s safe to assume that she was already losing her passion for daily sex even before she got married. In that case, she should have had the guts to tell her then-boyfriend that they weren’t sexually compatible anymore. She didn’t and that’s why most of the men are laying the blame at her feet.

    A woman most certainly has the right to stop having sex with a man. But if she does, she needs to be mature enough to communicate that is choosing to do so BEFORE her decision impacts his life.

  18. hedonistic

    Jay, her passion hasn’t DISAPPEARED – – she just said she didn’t want it DAILY.

    Just because at a certain point in time your libidos don’t match, it doesn’t mean you’re sexually incompatible.

    Jeez guys, if your thinking about women and sex is this messed up, might I suggest a rubber doll instead? After all, a rubber doll will never inconvenience you with its humanity.

  19. Spanky

    ?it?s a trap!?

    This, of course, doesn’t really deal with the question raised: if marriage sucks so very badly for men, why do men keep getting married? Why have they done so for thousands of years? Are you suggesting, perhaps, that men suffer from false consciousness?

    “sackless wonder ploy #215 in a series:
    accuse tormentor of fear of women.”

    The fact that you use an accusation of femininity as an insult tends to indicate that you do, in fact, have some serious problems with women and gender in general. If not having testicals is a bad thing, in your mind, then what does that say about how you feel towards women? If “you are like a woman” is an insult in your mind, then you’re starting from a baseline of “feminine qualities are bad and something about which to be ashamed.”

    See also:

    “i?m beginning to suspect you are a woman impersonating a man impersonating a woman.”

    Again, serious underlying problems with gender identity. Which, of course, makes sense. Rigidly defined identities of power and control don’t just hurt the object, but also the subject as well. If you are told “the only way to be a man – that is, the only way to be worth anything to anyone – is to do X, Y, and Z” and you have trouble doing X, Y, and Z, then you end up with all sorts of feelings of insecurity, hostility, and resentment towards gender and identity.

    Hedonistic wrote that buying a wedding ring does not signify ownership, but in the past it literally did. Now, of course, it does not imply legal or moral ownership (and I could go into the ways that changes in the means and mode of production in our society have produced things like womens’ liberation, the nuclear family, etc, but won’t). But this represent a fairly large upheaval in our culture: men are “told” that they must be dominant and controlling over women in order to be masculine, but women now have the means to reject domination and exploitation.

    Which poses a big problem for guys like Soissy: how can you be masculine (within rigidly defined limits revolving around dominance and control) when you can no longer dominate and control? So you end up with guys who seriously resent women for imaginary crimes: they steal our seed, they steal our money, they’re lying bitches, they’re sluts and whores, etc.

    So to a certain extent I don’t blame you, Soissy, because you are influenced by factors beyond your control. That doesn’t stop you from being a complete wanker, but at least I can still feel some pity for you and your confusion over gender identity.

  20. Jay Gatsby

    Hedonistic — I disagree with you that if your libidos don’t match, you’re not sexually incompatible. What else could you be? Is it a question of quantity over quality (or vice versa)? Some folks would take mediocre sex on a daily basis over mind-blowing sex once a month. That is the definition of being sexually incompatible.

  21. hedonistic

    Jay, you force me to repeat myself and bore the class. Check upthread: Libidos are not constant; they ebb and flow.

    Mine might be up one day while my parnter’s might be down. We might enjoy a four year high, and if we do, we’re one of the exceedinglly lucky ones.

    I might have an X-month slump for whatever reason – medical? emotional? – and then go like gangbusters afterwards.

    You might have a 3-year slump someday, god forbid, and I hope your wife doesn’t kick you to the curb for it.

    If you are in your late teens and early twenties you might think your eternal hard-on is . . . well, eternal. Well guess what! It’s not! Any adult man of any wisdom at all will tell you that libido ebbs and flows. It’s human.

  22. KassyK

    I’m sorry but has everyone also forgotten periods? Does this woman not menstruate? I mean if ths guy wants to bathe in her menstrual blood…then by all means–sex daily!! Watch your wife scream in pain as you fuck her while she has cramps!! YES YES you are a real man now!!

  23. aw

    wow, i did miss the math.. been with someone for *6* years at 21? that’s… all sorts of complicated. how do you find out what kind of person you are if you’ve been intertwined with just one someone for all those years of your life?

  24. Days of Broken Arrows

    Ummm…At the risk of getting called names (like Al Bundy) I should mention here that I married a woman with a high sex drive and the reverse situation happened to me — I started to dread how often she wanted sex. Man, I feel embarrassed saying this, but this was the truth.

    I think when two people are mismatched in terms of sex drive, sex becomes a chore for the person who has the lesser sex drive. And once you start thinking sex is a chore, it all flies down hill. Regardless of gender.

  25. Sex & Moxie

    Funny…the advice giver never once suggested or even implied that it could be an issue on her part. Her man wants sex every day????? Lock him up!!!

  26. Roissy

    some bitterbot harpie clacked:
    “Jay, you force me to repeat myself and bore the class.”

    your schoolmarm shtick is a bore.
    you are a mediocrity.

    “Check upthread: Libidos are not constant; they ebb and flow.”

    men’s libidos are generally more constant and elevated than women’s. read some evolutionary psychology and get back to the “class”.
    or, if you’re too lazy or scared of what you might find, here’s the short version:
    if women were neurologically and hormonally wired the same way as men
    there’d be fucking in the streets.
    accompanied by occasional frig raids.

    “Mine might be up one day while my parnter?s might be down.”

    introduce him to a willing pretty young girl. then pull out a stopwatch cause you’ll need it to measure the record-breaking speed at which he is mysteriously cured of his low libido.

    “If you are in your late teens and early twenties you might think your eternal hard-on is . . . well, eternal.”

    such rigid thinking!

    “Well guess what! It?s not!”

    your limp-dicked lovers are likely representative of the kind of milquetoast effete loser lapdogs an aging single mom like yourself is able to attract for more than a fuck dumped in her.
    yet you still have trouble getting these chump nerdos to commit.
    imagine that!

    “Any adult man of any wisdom at all will tell you that libido ebbs and flows. It?s human.”

    now that the class is done paying ear service to your equalist whitenoize bullshit, let me spell it out for you.
    the hotter the girl, the less the man’s libido ebbs and the more it FLOWS BABY.
    but because men are driven to spread their seed far and wide even the eager affections of a slender fit young woman will get stale eventually. variety is the spice of life. if she’s hot enough and much younger than him, she can often satisfy him so completely that many years will pass before he is sufficiently tempted to sample new pussy.
    i am, of course, talking about men with options.
    men without options learn to appreciate the double super secret hidden joys of monogamy.
    it is obvious to anyone with the eyes to see that marriage corrals men into an arrangement that goes against their interests. it is designed to reign in the male animalistic impulse while hewing more closely to the female ideal of monogamy and a structure to provide for her and her children. if a man chooses to fulfill his desires and supplement his wife’s pussy with some loving on the side he can suffer a divorce which will leave him half in the hole. divorce theft coupled with monogamy makes marriage an inherently shitty deal for men. some eeping drone above asked why, if marriage was so obviously bad for men, so many went ahead and got married anyhow. because men are in it for the sex and love, and marriage is the one socially approved way for men to LOCK IN a steady stream of sex (or so they think), and since most men are INCOMPETENT at seducing women they turn to marrying whoever will put out for them on a regular basis. as always, there are exceptions to the rule, and an alpha male capable of assuming the financial risk of divorce will often be found marrying a much younger girl who will adore him and more importantly look good for many years to come.

  27. Spanky

    “marriage corrals men into an arrangement that goes against their interests”

    What a lonely, sad little life you must live.

    Most human beings, who have been properly socialized, are capable of viewing each other as more than just tools for maximizing reproductive strategies. I’m guessing this means that you were not properly socialized, or that you suffered some trauma, or mommy didn’t hug you enough.

    Whatever happened to you, the result is a world view in which men have no agency and are instead driven by immutable, inescapable evolutionary urges, and in which women are objects to be exploited in service of those urges.

    You must make for really charming company.

  28. hedonistic

    Spanky, it’s likely Roissy beats off to porn every night in his mommy’s basement; I think it’s safe to ignore him. I don’t think he has any real human company.

  29. Tomteboda

    I’m with Hedonistic on this one.. the young woman is a human being, not a fuckbot. Not to point out the obvious or anything, but the young lady only mentioned frequent sex for years; she didn’t say anything about living with the man for the same period of time. It is entirely possible that the stress of living together is starting to counterbalance the “newlywed” syndrome; perhaps she’s realizing that there’s more than twice as much housework involved in keeping a man around (and that corresponds to fatigue and disillusionment). She didn’t mention if there’d been any change in the hours she worked, or demands of any schooling she was in. She also left out any information on whether their relationship had shifted in tone substantially since the wedding. Perhaps she’s just feeling taken for granted because he’s relaxed and stopped courting her after putting a ring on her finger. Remember, a woman’s sex drive is pretty heavily bound up on her state of mind and physical well-being.

    A healthy, sexually active and desiring young woman isn’t going to suddenly “dry up” without some reason. She may not even be self-aware enough to pinpoint the precise cause of the problem she’s having with her husband or have enough self-confidance to trust herself.

  30. lady bizness

    I’m uniquely qulified to comment on this since I a) married young, and b) found that the sex took a real nosedive shortly after tying the knot.

    Hedonistic is right that libidos are in a constant state of flux, so it’s absurd to assume that because you are fucking like rabbits for a few months or years that the trend will continue.

    The first few months of marriage are stressful, even for couples who have been together for the better half of a decade, and/or have lived together prior to marriage. I married a younger guy thinking that his sex drive would always match mine. But guess what? Even 22 year-old horn-dogs can get distracted by the new responsibilities and worries of married life. The only people I have known who have not experienced a significant slow-down in sex immediately after marriage are hard-core bible-thumpers are were virgins until their wedding nights.

    My advice to new wives: the hand-job and blow-job are your friends.

  31. Pingback: Before Sex, After Sex » Roosh V

Comments are closed.