Two months after posting that picture of Poppers and Cali, I’ve decided to embark on a journey to seduce them both… SIMULTANEOUSLY. The development of this plan took about 2 hours a day of my time, and I’d like to share with you how I’m going to do it (if I ever run into them).

Now before you continue reading, I must stress that this is high-octane Casanova seduction shit. You normal people might not “get it”.

The plan:

1. Insinuate well-endowdness. When we’re talking in the club, I’m going to mention how I have to special order jeans with lower crotch areas. Then I’ll point to my crotch casually and they can’t help but look (since I drew attention to it). Once they see the bulge, they’ll start thinking of me sexually.

2. Talk about the other. To create a jealousy plot, I’m going gush about the other girl to stir jealous feelings. “Poppers, doesn’t Cali just look ravishing today?” “Cali, doesn’t Poppers have nice flowing hair?”

3. Find that special flaw. I’ll have to do some research on this one, but every girl has that one thing that bugs them that no other human being ever notices. “Poppers, the arch in your back is so beautifully curved.” “Cali, your elbows have no dryness!!!”

4. Venue change. I can’t use the standard “Let’s have a drink at my place” because that’s too played. A few weeks ago my mom gave me photo albums of when I was around one. Many of those are of me naked (this was before taking naked pictures of your child was a crime). Since they are not in digital form, there is no way for them to view these awesome photos unless they come over.

Only one word can describe how I feel about this romantic plan: visionary.

POSTSCRIPT: I wrote this piece before Kelly got all selfish on me and shut her page down. My plan is in jeopardy. :paranoid:


  1. Anonymous

    checked out pics of them….


    Good luck man..take em..noone else will….

    don’t be a dick

  2. Aja

    This is hilarious! I thought about your crotch just reading this, good-luck. The whole jealousy plot is good, just don’t act too interested in one because they will either diss you completely or one will give you up to the other. Be elusive, but irresistible.

  3. Mr. Pilates

    No, both are all woman, men are not limber enough to put their ankles around their necks.

  4. DC Girl

    I’ve had guys try the crotch pointing and it’s not always successful because they have a desperate look on their face, so avoid that. Otherwise your plan sounds, umm, well thought out.

    Good Luck.

  5. Roger Thornhill

    Is this really “brilliant”? Entertaining? Yes. Witty? Yes. But brilliant? Come on now, folks.

  6. kanan

    let me break this down:
    2)Create Attraction (through jealousy plot)
    3)neg them by finding a flaw (showing higher value)
    4) venue change AND proceed to seduction/lay

    Ok 4 is not going to fall through as there is no rapport or comfort :))..so highly unlikely that you will be able to take them else where.

  7. V

    In the parlance of our times, Roger, brilliant can be used as a term for “cool” (ever been to England or watched Bend it Like Beckham, Rog?).

  8. KAC

    If he was really thinking, he’d just ask me for their numbers, email addresses … or their real names, at the very least.

  9. Anonymous

    KAC, maybe you should just post info for everyone to enjoy…a true Darwinian love/lust fest.

  10. CatCiao

    I snapped that photo and they are both sweet girls, so stop your drooling and ask them out. I bet Ashley would ride on the back of your motorcycle sooner than Cali.

  11. John Kennedy

    Personally, the old “Gee, my pants are chafing me. Mind if I take them off?” has worked more times than it should. Most of the time, it causes them to giggle, which in this case is good. They’re having a good time AND thinking about my crotch. Give it a try.

    And yes, it is from The Simpsons. Brilliance….

  12. Marc


    I don’t have beef with pale chicks in general, and I def don’t like fake baked tans.

    I guess I like naturally olive the best, or asian etc;

    Though white chicks with nice even natural tans….

    But then, some women just look better pale. Nicole Kidman is an example.

  13. Chris

    The girl on the right is Ashley, the girl on the left is Cali. They call Ashley “Pops” b/c she was the parent of the group, not sure how Poppers came about. Cali short for California, hippie parents

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