Some English scientists have concluded that acne serves an evolutionary function.

In mimicking the symptoms of illness, the scientists speculate, pimples might form a sexual no-go zone that prevents humans from reproducing before they are physically and psychologically ready for it. Zits as a Darwinian cold shower: It is a theory that many teenagers will find immediately convincing.

My first instinct is to disagree with them because of adult acne. There are people who suffer from zits who are physically, psychologically, and financially ready to have children. It seems the scientists haven’t seen all the mentally crazy adults without acne that are popping out children. At work I’d make fun of a coworker for being an unstable wreck, and then the next month I’m eating cake celebrating her pregnancy.

I got my first ever pimple on the day of my high school senior prom. I was examining it closely, wondering what I should do when my mom covered it up with some make-up. She later popped it for me and encouraged me to pop all my pimples because “You gotta get the juice out.” In college I did come to enjoy the satisfying splat of pimple juice on the mirror. It was a guilty pleasure, along with listening to the Backstreet Boys.

It’s much harder for a guy to go through acne than a girl. Girls have make-up, something socially acceptable that covers even the worst acne. We don’t have a damn thing. But unfortunately for girls, their looks are judged more critically than guys, causing years of acne and a life-time of acne scars to do some serious emotional damage. Regardless, you have to go out there and play the cards you are dealt. If you stay home, the terrorists win.


  1. MobyDickless

    I am a man and I used makeup to coverup in HS. As an adult, I still like to wear a little makeup now and then and wear girls panties under my power suits.

  2. greg

    I’ve never really had a problem with acne, but on the occasion that I do get a bad pimple, I don’t have a problem with using concealing acne treatment. Does that make me metrosexual? I scored low on the test.

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