Recently a man I’m dating asked me to please be more careful of what I say and to stop word-vomiting because I sometimes vomit up things that he takes the wrong way and hurt his feelings. People who know me know that they can disregard about 50% of everything I say because it’s not actually meant to be heard by other people. I keep forgetting that other people aren’t like this and need to be warned in advance because they are big fat babies.

I say mean things all the time and I don’t feel badly about it. If I think something is funny, I’m going to say it before I consider who may get offended by it. And that’s a problem. Not just for me, but what happens when you’re acting out a behavior that is second-nature to you, and which is probably annoying or rude or whatever to others? And nobody bothers to call you on it, so you just never conduct a self-examination? And then you just turn into this monster that other people hate but love at the same time? People are rewarding your blunt behavior and it just sort of takes over. You leave a trail of butt-hurt people who cry to others about how “mean” or “inconsiderate” you are. Aren’t we all adults?

I don’t think it’s so wrong to receive honesty from people, especially the ones you date. Even if you don’t like what they tell you, you should be open to the possibility of trying to look at yourself objectively and figure out what the problem might be on your end. It’s also nice to deliver honesty once in awhile. If someone drives you crazy with a particular behavior (especially one that appears to be make-or-break), politely telling them about this problem may well end it, saving you both some major hassle. They might tell you to go to hell, but if it’s a rare wise person, they’ll thank you eventually. Otherwise, if you do nothing to help yourself, you really have no room to carp about others.

22 thoughts on “SENSITIVITY CHIP

  1. The Dude

    You’re immature Sally. Your post sounds like a 16 year old girl version of Eric Cartman saying, “I do what I want!”

    Basically, what you just said is that you should not have to excercise any restraint about what comes out of your mouth. You’re not being “honest”, rather you’re just not excercising any thought or discretion about what you are actually saying. You’re probably not only offending other people, you are actually probably making other people think you are not as intelligent as you actually are.

    Dave Chapelle does a funny bit about how “keeping it real” does not work in the real world a lot of the time that would be good for you to watch. Learn to be an adult and think before you speak.

  2. Asian Mistress

    There is a difference between honesty and being verbally abusive though.

    Telling your girlfriend that she’s annoying is honest, telling her that she’s stupid and not on your level is just being an ass.

    Telling your boyfriend that he’s too hairy is honest. Telling him that he needs to work out is not cool – same goes for guys.

    I’m all for honesty, but there is a line I think.

  3. hedonistic

    My grandmother was like this. She used to “vomit” on my mother, a sweet as pie and easily hurt southern belle who would never in a MILLION years say things like: “Too bad it wasn’t a boy” or “your breasts are too small, you won’t be able to feed her.”

    Or, in later years to my grandfather: “Shut up, nobody is interested in your stories. Now go shave.”

    I’m convinced my grandmother had NO idea the effect her uncensored commentary was having on other people. While she was alive I used to try to rationalize her behavior by saying “She’s an Aries born in the Year of the Dog, so of course she’s gonna have the verbal diarrhea disease.”
    Unfortunately, when she died, my dad didn’t even tell us about it until after the funeral. The woman burned a LOT of bridges with her mouth.

    You can get away with a lot of crap when you’re cute, but cute don’t last forever. Imagine your words coming out of the mouth of a post-menopausal woman and ask yourself: Who would be your friends? 30 cats? Stop the habit now, because we only get MORE like ourselves as we age.

  4. TC the Terrible

    I don’t think honesty is the issue here, Sally. I think the real issue is control. You have to be able to turn the honesty on and off depending on the situation at the moment.

    THE WOMAN and I are honest with each other but never would I tell her in front of people to lay off the chips and bean dip because it is going to her hips.

    It’s about having control and knowing where that ever moving line is. But if you are working for an Alpha and dating a Beta you are always going to be conflicted about what is or is not permissable.


  5. KassyK

    I agree with Asian Mistress-I have always been the “honest” one of my friends but there is a line. Yeah so I’ve blurted out the occasional shitty thing but mostly its when I am drunk.

    Like-Kass, do my hips look big in this?
    Um, yeah bc you have fucking huge hips.

    Five seconds later of silence and me apologizing for saying something so shitty while under the influence. Its not that you have to be polite ALL the time…just try not to excessively hurt peoples feelings.

    As for offending–offend away. 🙂

    Keep it honest but also try not to destroy the emotions of those around. Karma can be nasssty.

  6. Anonymous

    People who tell it like it is are rare and very refreshing.

    More people should say what they mean. Not doing so comes off as contrived. Kids are real in that sense, but when they become adults they “upgrade” to fakery and inhibition.

    Your reputation is someone else’s concern, not yours. If it leads to being thought as dumber than you are, that’s their problem, not yours. If it leads to being misread or misunderstood, same thing. One who ascends through life by tiptoeing through the tulips is at best a beta who pretends to be alpha, a big fish in a small pond. Real alphas don’t concern themselves with where others think they are on the totem pole. They know they’re the real deal because they don’t fake it. They transcend all that junk.

    If you have a job, be more tactful though. I can talk like this in real life, and I do, since no one can fire me.

    Acting like this will no doubt make you more polarizing. More people will hate your guts, but more will love your guts. The latter more than makes up for it. Wouldn’t you rather have a bunch of strong friends than a larger group of mushy people in the gray zone you aren’t sure are friends.

    So keep it real.

  7. cosmic shambles

    Please don’t take Anon’s advice. Disrespecting others is not “keeping it real”. Tactful honesty is not contrived or fake, it is the way a mature individual communicates with others. You can act like a self-centered kid your whole life or you can choose to become a thoughtful adult.

  8. hedonistic


    Q: Does this dress make me look fat?

    Rude answer: No, your fat makes you look fat.
    Diplomatic answer: It’s not your best look.

  9. Sweatpants

    I feel the same way but I’m prepared not to flinch when I have to take what I’ve been dishing out. It’s easy to talk a tough game, but are you going to get just as butt-hurt as everyone else when someone tells you some shit you don’t want to hear?

  10. Anonymous

    Most people are too sensitive of what others say about them. Where I draw the line is I’m willing to take constructive criticism, no matter how brutally honest, but no more than that.

    You can tell the difference between say someone telling it like it is and someone being an asshole solely trying to provoke or get a rise out of people, the latter which is a cover for beta insecurity.

  11. Really, just wow.

    “Your reputation is someone else?s concern, not yours.”

    Wow, that is incredibly dumb.

  12. Really, just wow.

    Huh? Read some Machiavelli my friend…

    Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once you slip, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.

  13. hedonistic

    Anonymous will be a solitary, curmudgeonly misanthrope when s/he’s 80, if s/he even survives that long.

    Tip of the day: One (extremely) significant factor effecting health and longevity is how many beneficial social relationships one has.

  14. Anonymous

    I am glad you used the word beneficial. Close friends are beneficial. Quasi-friends in the gray zone aren’t. I disagree with the “many” in your statement however. Quality beats quantity.

    And to the other poster, I am well aware of the Machiavellian attitude in DC, but I do not respect it. Having one’s power based on something so fleeting as reputation is a poor foundation. You are always on guard, watching your back, constantly having to recalibrate what you say according to the ebb and flow of public opinion. Better to have sturdier foundations for power: money and real friends.

  15. DCB

    Im a monster,


    that likes


    with girls who arent


    But sometimes I have to,



  16. Jewcano

    There’s a lot of weirdness in this post. Sally doesn’t make it clear if she’s talking about public or private. If private, Sally makes fun of people she’s dating (implied: in no way her boyfriend), which is bizarre, and he takes it, and mopes. Conclusion: Sally dates pussies. If public, Sally makes fun of guys she dates in front of her/his friends and potentially strangers. Guy takes it and mopes. Conclusion: Sally is a screaming bitch that dates pussies.
    There’s a big difference between being honest to your best buddies/committed lovers and being honest to a total stranger. You don’t tell a girl you just met that she needs to lose ten pounds; but you can tell your fiancee that and ride out the consequences. But that’s not what Sally’s talking about here. “If I think something is funny, I?m going to say it before I consider who may get offended by it.” In other words, she’s shit talking. I do this with my buddies when we’re alone, but doing it in public has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with being a jackass. At that point, you’re just putting them down to make yourself feel better. And you do this with guys you’re dating (not dated, but dating)? And you believe they’re “big fat babies?” What a psycho.

  17. nabeel

    “There is a difference between honesty and being verbally abusive though.”

    Asian Mitress got it right.

    It’s all about HOW you say it, not what you say.

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