SETTLING DOWN

I thought I would make some history in my first official DCB post: I will write about relationships. Who ever thought they would see a post about *that* around here?

I used to love playing the game. I loved the anticipation of adventure each night out brought. I enjoyed the personal challenge of risking my ego on each approach. I found satisfaction in gaining the interest of attractive women who had been strangers to me just minutes before. And then there are those moments of triumph when everything fell into place and neither one of you wanted the night to end. Man, me and my wings thought this was the life and those guys in the dating world were chumps for buying dinners and presents for their girlfriends who would then spend “girls nights out” in Adams Morgan grinding (and sometimes plenty more) with player dudes on the dance floor.

But funny how time changes things. After what seemed an endless blur of nights out, I started to grow increasingly frustrated with the costs of the game. Mindless conversations with drunk girls who can’t focus on anything for more than 30 seconds. Smoky bars that seem like certain lung cancer incubators. Feeling like I wanted to sleep on the floor of my office due to too many nights out past 2:00 AM per week. And the bane of every player’s existence: the flakes. There were times when I got a phone number from a girl who seemed so interested when she gave it to me that I wanted to notch my belt in advance, only to have her never return my phone call.

Right in the midst of my growing frustration, it happened: I met a girl I really liked. No, not my current girl, but the girl who made everything that happened with my current girlfriend possible. She was fun, shared many of my interests, and treated me very well. Though I kept on going out to bars and clubs for part of the time we dated (she and I had “an understanding” about our lives apart from each other), pretty soon, the drunk girls in bars seemed far less tolerable. Why should I be out in these smoky bars until 2:00 or 3:00 AM talking to girls who I didn’t have any feeling for or any real possibility of forming a connection with? Why wouldn’t I rather being spending my time with a sweet girl who would treat me well and assure me a good time?

After a year it didn’t work out with that particular girl, but I had changed. I wanted a serious girlfriend now. I wanted someone who could make me happy on every level. When I met my current girl and everything between us was perfect in every way, the game didn’t stand a chance. I had found a super smart girl who has her act together, never plays games, and treats me like a king (and she is damn cute too). I stopped going out to bars, committed myself to perfect exclusivity, and never regretted the decision. The symbolic end of my personal player era came one night at club with my girlfriend. We were ordering drinks and I saw two guys approaching two girls just as I and my wings might have in the past. I pointed it out to her and perhaps I seemed wistful, because she asked “Do you miss it?” I thought for a moment and said truthfully, “No, this is better.”

I have heard some say that guys settle down with the first girl they date once they become ready for marriage. I am not so sure that is true, at least not always. I think some guys grow up assuming they will marry the first great girl they meet and never play the game. Other guys have to go through this ‘playing the field’ process until they grow fed up with it. In my case, it was a combination of becoming ready emotionally after playing the field and, through luck and good karma, meeting someone who was ideal for me. If I had not met someone as great as my girlfriend, who knows, I might still be out there searching for that special one.

If you girls out there are searching for Mr. Right, don’t give up on a guy who has a player past, even a recent one. Check first to see how he feels about the game and give him a chance to see you as a better alternative. Giving that type of guy a chance might be the best move you ever made.

29 thoughts on “SETTLING DOWN

  1. KassyK

    In terms of that happening with former (or current) players (settling down and giving love and receiving blah blah)–I’d say you are the 1 in a million. Its a rarity. But its nice to hear and great post. 🙂

    Age plays a major factor as well…as does the need for family and children. Some men have it, some don’t. You didn’t think you had it but it was there all the time. (which is a good thing)

  2. hedonistic

    Great post. Wise men eventually realize that human connection trumps the variety that comes from “playing.”

    Playa “success” is so random and rare anyway, think of all the energy you put into that one night stand. Bah!

    FWIW, I’d rather make a life committment with a retired player than someone who never sowed his wild oats in his youth. The ones who settle down too soon are the ones who go goofy during their midlife crises, and who needs that? The player knows what he’s missing, and he knows its not much.

  3. KassyK

    Hedonistic–Great point and I have to agree…I would also rather end up with someone who has “sowed all his wild oats” as well…

  4. Jay Gatsby

    KassyK — The key is making sure that if you’re a player who is ready to settle down, your soon-to-be fiance has sowed all of the wild oats she desires as well. If this isn’t the case, you’re in for some heartache eventually.

  5. Days of Broken Arrows

    Anyone who has watched a sibling grow up knows that people in adulthood are usually just bigger versions of the same people we knew as kids and teens. Thus the above post, while well-meaning (I hope), leaves out an essential facet of human nature, namely, that personality is largely inborn and people do not change — or at least not much.

    Is change possible? Yes. But rare. A player at 17 is usually a player at 37, it’s just that he does it in secret on Craig’s List (usually while pretending to be a “family values” guy).

    I hate to break “male code,” but as a guy who hears it all from other guys, I can’t tell you the amount of playing that still goes on amongst “reformed” players. It’s a lot. I think women have such a need to justify liking the guys they consider “Alpha men,” that they delude themselves into thinking “I’ve changed him” or “he’s sowed his wild oats.” Yet the sky-high divorce rate and stats about cheating tell a different story.

    Like addicts, most players revert back to their old ways in some form someday. The only people who win in all this are the divorce lawyers.

  6. hedonistic

    Days of Broken Arrows, I didn?t know ?players? and ?cheaters? were the same people. Sometimes they are . . . but . . . perhaps this is just semantics.

    A certain breed of men will always try to hold their girlfriends/wives to a higher moral standard than they are willing to live up to themselves. These men are called assholes. They rarely change.

    I don?t don?t use the terms ?asshole? and ?player? interchangeably, though. There is nothing wrong with playing the field when one is single and unattached.

  7. DC Pimp

    The majority of people go through the same relevation. Translation: you don’t have a book deal in your future.

  8. Anonymous

    Wow! You met a girl who out gamed you and turned you into a complete pussy. And did you really use the word “cute” to describe her ass? What a douche

  9. KassyK

    There is a big difference btwn players, assholes & manwhores. Men can be all three or just one but they are at the core different.

    Manwhores-Need to fucking constantly–don’t have standards usually. Any vagina will do.

    Assholes-Guys that get off on making women feel bad (usually have Mommy or Daddy issues & are insecure)

    Players–Guys that enjoy the chase and the lay. Usually don’t intentionally go out to hurt women, they just enjoy the “game”.

    Once the “game” is hurting someone on purpose–then you morph from player to asshole.

    And ANON–he’s a pussy because he fell in love? Someone sure as hell did a number on you to be THAT bitter.

  10. Roissy

    the reason women are drawn to ex-players is only superficially because they want to avoid marrying men who may end up in the throes of mid-life regret. in fact, the underlying impulse which drives their attraction for the alpha players is wholly gene-based. look up the “sexy son” hypothesis. conceiving with a man who is known to be good with women increases the odds that any son she may have will inherit his biological father’s player genes who will himself go on to pass ever more copies of her DNA into succeeding generations.

    this mechanism also explains why when women cheat they usually do it during the time of month of their peak fertility with a super-masculine alpha. it’s the best of both worlds to acquire the killer ape genes of the alpha man and return home to beta provider who will foot the bills for her and her kids.

  11. hedonistic

    Kassy – – I’d qualify “intentionally hurt” to “benefit at other people’s expense” – – which often means the same thing but not always.

    Many assholes think they’re not really being assholes if they do their dirt on the downlow. Still, their victims suffer, even if the suffering in question amounts to nothing more than the lost opportunity to run the fuck away and/or date other people.

  12. formerplayer

    do all women really need to sow their wild oats also??/ i think its totally different…. men have testosterone…aka…its what makes them become playuers…women have more maternal genes/instincts….

  13. KassyK

    I’m with Hedonistic to FormerPlayer–some women don’t, some do. But on the whole–Oh, man…

    For some of us very sexual women, we DO need to sow them. Hence college and our 20s. 🙂

  14. Cookiee Cutta

    Cookie Cutter post……..I could cut this post out and put it on like 20 other DC area blogs and nobody would be able to tell the difference….Look I don’t give a fuck about anybody love life. Do you think that I would waste 10 minutes of my life to read some dribble about “How I found my girlfriend” B.S.????

    Man, look some of you bastards are either over 30 or closing in and its really pathetic that most of you sound like a bunch of H.S. kids regurgitating Tiger Beat or People Magazine gossip. Is this it??? Is this the peak for whats going on in DC???? No one doing coke or meeting escorts or partying with Congressmen on the hill late at night??????

    I want the old DCB back who showed pics of hot chics and talked about banging brawds out. Fuck this Dr. Phil romance bullshit…….

  15. Jay Gatsby

    Now that I think about it, the phrase “sowing wild oats” can’t be applied to women. Sowing means to spread your seed. Likewise, the word “sow” also means a female pig.

    Regardless, I agree with Kassy and Hedonistic — women want it just as bad as men do. The key is getting them to want it with YOU.

  16. Roissy

    women want it just as bad as men…. with the right man. men are much more indiscriminate and promiscuous. don’t let any of the equalist drones tell you otherwise.

  17. Days of Broken Arrows

    Roissy,
    That’s the irony of life. Women want it all the time when they’re married but men stop wanting it from the same person over and over.

    Also, to no on in particular, I have found that women who say over and over they are highly sexual, are usually highly in need of attention, not sex. In fact, they tend to be “actors” which can be distracting. You want sexy, find a librarian type. Really.

  18. KassyK

    DaysofBrokenArrows–I never talked about my sexuality before this year (blogging)…and I am highly sexed and open about it.

    I think some people are just more comfortable with their sexuality and being open about it…doesn’t mean you want attention. It means you are comfortable enough in your own self to enjoy and discuss sex…

    It took me starting a blog and a breakup to get to being ABLE to discuss it. But on the WHOLE I agree with you. But SOME who talk the talk actually walk the walk. Just sayin.

    And Peter–it’s doing fabulously, thanks for asking!!

  19. Chaco

    Lots of intersting comments, I feel like my debute has been a success.

    DC Pimp – not looking for a book deal, bro. Just helping DCB out and having some fun.

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