When it comes to things to say during sex, I feel like porn has let me down. I’ve been raised on these stock phrases:

“God you’re wet.”
“You like that, don’t you?”
“I like the way you stroke his cock.”

Have you noticed that the things said during sex rarely exceeds six or so words? Something you will not hear in bed: “The sexual pleasure that I’m experiencing right now has exceeded my expectations. I’m so happy that we are having sex.”

Sex talk has to be short and to the point, so I’ve developed a handy Sex Talk Generator to help you out in the bedroom. I’ve kept in mind that the perfect sex talk statement contains three key ingredients:

(1) a segue – something that says, “Okay get ready, I’m about to say something sexy!”
(2) a descriptor – an honest take on the current situation
(3) a suggestion for future action – an not-so-subtle announcement of what is going to happen next

Simply take one thing from each column and then put it together.

1: Segues

– Fuck,
– Oh my god,
– Yesss,
– *Name of person*,
– Wait,
– Ouch,

2: Descriptions

– you’re so big,
– you’re so wet,
– I love this,
– what are you doing,
– what’s this red blob,

3: Actions

– don’t stop
– do me harder
– go slower
– go faster
– pull my hair
– spank me
– tie my hands
– get off me
– oh shit I think the condom broke
– get ready for my massive load

Now you never have to be insecure about what to say in the bedroom again.

52 thoughts on “SEX TALK GENERATOR

  1. C

    That was not bad at all. Very practical article. The only reason it is funny is because it is so very true. This little chart works for both sexes as well. Way to utilize the woman’s perspective. I absolutely hate it when I’m snogging a lass and she says something that’s not up to snuff. “You’re so tight” is a good one for the description category. Every girl wants to hear that they’re tight no matter loose their beef curtains are. “Put my X in your X” could work for the Actions category. However, having two variables in one statement may not only be too long, but may require too much thought in the heat of the moment.

  2. sara

    OMG this is hilarious! Also, my boss walked in while I was reading it and I am sincerely hoping that she didn’t get a glimpse of it…

  3. boom boom

    Wow, thanks DCB, for unlocking the secrets of confidence in the bedroom for millions of American men. NOT! I’ll bet John Ashcroft has hotter chat than that in the bedroom. Weak, man, really weak.

  4. C

    It may not be sexy, but at least you know that it is acceptable to say. What, for example, if you saw a red glob but just kept hackin away because you didn’t know how or were uncomfortable to broach the subject of said glob.

  5. Eric

    you guys have sex long enough to get three words out? The only thing I ever get the chance to say is “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHH”

  6. Anonymous

    Did you steal this blog content from an old CPMC one? I swear the Senator wrote this a few weeks ago;)

  7. diane

    this is the funniest thing i have read on here in a long time–maybe because i live in the midwest, so some of the dc humor and figures are lost on me, or maybe just because this is flipping hilarioius. i was actually laughing out loud. keep up the great work…

  8. The_Senator

    ?I like the way you stroke his cock?
    Thanks, DCB, thah came directly from our latest mutual circle-jerk session. I am glad you still relish those fantastic moments in your hirsute head.
    Keep the good wood!

  9. meme

    would it be okay if i just skip over columns 1 & 2 and just yelled out the items in column 3 in succession? i promise to pause for at least 3 seconds between each, ok?

  10. jessa j

    just Mad lib it damn:

    I’ve been thinking about your hands on my (noun) all day. I’m getting (adjective). Can you feel it? (Verb) me again; just like you just did. Do you mind if I (verb) your (noun)? I need to. Give it to me. Give me your (adjective) (noun). Put it in my (noun)! Do you like that? Mmmm I like that. You’re getting so (adjective). Touch my (noun). Look what you’re doing to me. I’m going to (verb) my (noun) so you can (verb) me there. Touch my (noun) while you (verb) me. Feel my (noun). It feels so (adjective). Your (noun) tastes so good. Does my (noun) taste good? I’m ready for your (adjective) (noun). UGH! (ADJECTIVE)! I’m (verb)-ing! I’m (verb)-ing! (Verb) me harder till you (verb)… (VERB) all over my (adjective) (adjective), face!

    P.S. I miss you SO much dcb!!!

  11. Anonymous

    I?ve been thinking about your hands on my used tampon all day. I?m getting Geico. Can you feel it? Choke me again; just like you just did. Do you mind if I singe your scrotum? I need to. Give it to me. Give me your greasy ear wax. Put it in my nostrils! Do you like that? Mmmm I like that. You?re getting so Puerto Rican. Touch my belly button lint. Look what you?re doing to me. I?m going to go visit Harvey my pimp so you can pay for me there. Touch my snorkel while you fin me. Feel my soft shelled crabs. It feels so crustacean. Your squiddy tastes so good. Does my Harvey taste good? I?m ready for your homeless costume. UGH! Federline! I?m Britney I?m lactacting! Strangle me harder till you goose step all over my zombie bride face!

  12. Phil

    DC Cookie – that could only mean she was preparing for said “glass bottom boat”. Possibly a ‘cleveland steamer’, but I think that is only for a man.

  13. me

    how bout…ahh yea…fuck me harder….beat that pussy up…beat it up…………….my man loves this

  14. Lolly

    OMG I laughed sooooo much reading all these comments, absolutely hillarious!! My favourite was the huge paragraph with the nouns adjectives filled in!! Used tampon?!?!?! WTF?!?!?! ROFL

    *starts to cry with laughter*

  15. Mia

    Um this isn’t really what I was looking for I’m fully comfortable saying this type of stuff and worse. I was just seeing if there was more but I guess this is good for beginners.

  16. Sexy Lady

    This has made my night…I came here looking for what to say and although I got some good ideas from various long paragraphs…and from certain hints through out..I must say Im quite excited and am going to go use it right……..

    MMM oh yeah thats the spot lick that P***y
    Stick that hard cock inside my wet pussy
    shes been waiting for it all day what are you waiting for…fuck me harder…oh yeah…. :whip:

  17. P

    I think the first sexual encounter is a bit different than the second sexual encounter. Awkward is a good word. Of course, a good first sexual encounter leads to a second sexual encounter. Screw things up the first time; you don’t get a second chance.

    If anything is said at all it’s likely to be, “Where’s the light switch and where’s a flashlight?” “What’s your sexual history is fine and dandy, too?” Yeah, it’s not very romantic but it’s a must. BTW, don’t believe a word they say, but if they’re nervous and flustered, with their reply, that’s a revealing clue.

    Only fools make love in the dark today. I look at the person’s body from head to toe. With so many sexual diseases, it goes without saying that you’ve got to inspect the merchandise.


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  19. Charlie

    Thanks alot you jerk…
    I was with my wife in bed and started using your generator and got punched in the face!

    I decided to try: “Fuck!”, then “You’re so big!” and didn’t get much farther than that…

  20. Anonymous

    oh im so horny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my wet pussy wants a nice big ass dick!!! i want to fuck it all day everyday and nevr evr stop!!!!! MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!! fingering my pussy for all u fine men out there! while im rubbing my REAL DDD tits! im supermodel body and my blonde hair! sweating up a storm! MMMMM i need a fucking dick, dilhdos arent enough right now!!!!!!!!

  21. Anonymous

    charllie why the hell would you say ur so big to a women? she has a pussy not a dick and appartently u dont either!

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