In the spirit of being a socialite, I’ve decided to post this weekend’s calender so all of you can know what exciting things I’m doing.
Friday: Throw on an artsy cultural movie to better appreciate the diversity of Earth’s people. Spend the rest of the night under a blanket with a romantic book, reminiscing about all of my past lovers. (Translation: Call a bunch of girls to hang out and get turned down by all of them. Watch Desperado and jerk off to fake Salma Hayek nudes on the internet.)
Saturday: Attend A-crowd club in town and drink straight from the Grey Goose bottle. Meet my potential wife. Come home and sleep soundly from another exciting night. (Translation: Go into a club, increase my risk of getting lung cancer, and then walk out two hours later frustrated and horny. Wonder aloud if being alone is my destiny. Dirty sheets with smoke-infested skin and hair.)
Sunday: Rise early, refreshed and happy about where I am in life. People watch at Starbucks while thinking of another creative plan for next weekend. Top it all off with some personal shopping. (Translation: Wake up and feel like shit. Go to Starbucks and buy the cheapest drink so they don’t kick me out. Hit on older women at multiple Target’s starting at 4pm.)