THE CLUB

This place is so fake. You forgot to put on cologne again. Wow who is that. She’s nice. Go talk to her. What are you going to say? You’ve done this many times. You know the words don’t matter. You know what to do. Amazing body. Your drink is watered down. She’s with a few girls. Where the fuck is my friend. She’s been hit on all night. So what. Stop thinking. You can’t not talk to her. Regret is for losers. That’s right keep walking. She knows you’re coming. Shitty opener… good recovery. This conversation isn’t bad. Opener wasn’t that shitty. It’s really hard to hear. She thinks you’re funny. This is your dream girl. Yeah right you’re drunk. She is nice though. But wait, this is her friends birthday. The friend is tired and drunk. The friend wants to go home. It’s really smoky in here. Why is the cockblock always the ugly one. They don’t want to get something to eat. She lives eight states away. You gotta close. You’re distracted now. She starts talking to another guy. You idiot. Time for a break. You use the bathroom. You splash water on your face. You can’t do it. Wait, no, you can do it. You’re the man. You go back to her. You talk more. Where the fuck is my friend. She’s leaving town tomorrow. Oh well. She didn’t put in much effort anyway. Goodbye. They’ll be others. Another expensive tab. Another late night. There’s your friend. You should come back here next week. Time to get something to eat. Wow who is that.

13 thoughts on “THE CLUB

  1. O-face

    7 habits of highly effective Club stalkers.

    Just use my caveman technique, hit em on the head and drag them out the club by the hair.

  2. holiday

    I can’t remember the last time I met a guy worth knowing at a club. If I’m out, I just want to dance with my girlfriends.

  3. Kathryn

    RCR = still drunk.

    It’s second person.

    My favorite voice ever was the second person plural collective memory of the boys who lived in the neighborhood in Virgin Suicides.

  4. johnny

    Its the game. There have been a few times Ive been oggled upon walking into a club or oggled near the dance floor but theyre not into a real chat or date or whatever, they just want the glory of being approached by said beefcake so they can diss and feel good about themselves.

    Thats why I like sluts.

    oh yes.

  5. Days of Broken Arrows

    I’d like to see some followups. How about..

    “The Safeway:” There she stood. Over by the Romaine lettuce. What a MILF! What’s my opener? Maybe something about nutrition, older women are way into that…

    “The Synogague:” Her long, jet-black hair draped over her day-glo-looking shirt. I made my move just as they were passing ’round the wine. “Hmm, this seems like something out of a Phillip Roth novel or a Wendy Wasserstein play,” I slyly intoned. She smiled…

  6. paully

    You feel woosey. You thought that guy at the bar was being pretty friendly, but you felt needy after being shot down by so many homely women and appreciated the attention. You wake up in the trunk of a car with a ball-gag in your mouth. The car stops and the trunk opens. The love child of Tookie Williams and Corky Thatcher is looking down at you, licking his lips. You go to a happy place. . . . .

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