One of the most funnest things in the world is having crushes. Work crushes, friend crushes, unknown-person crushes – all are equally exhilarating and can provide endless hours of self-entertainment. It’s a sad time of year when I have not even a single crush. That said, I now have a new work crush – good luck trying to guess who it is, suckas – and let me tell you it is an incomparable high. Especially because I’ve met his girlfriend, and she is so ugly and plain, just the kind of person I would shake my head sadly at if I saw her out somewhere.
Having crushes in school was easy. You could plan your arrival/lunch/departure schedule to coincide with the object of crushdom, you could ask your friends to spy on him for you, and if you were particularly brave you could send them one of those pink “secret admirer” hearts on Valentine’s Day. Once you started driving, you could do psycho-runs by their house or soccer practice. Ahem, not that I would ever do any of these, I just heard about it from a friend.
In college, having crushes got even more fun because you could finagle an invite to a crush’s party or join the same student group. Additionally there was the added possibility of hooking up with the crush, or, in rare instances, actually dating the crush.
Being an adult makes crushing more and less difficult. It’s more difficult because now you’re facing the possibility that your crush is in a serious long-term relationship, or even married. There are those of us who might say “wives are not walls” but for the most part a significant other is an insurmountable obstacle. What with smaller social circles and less opportunity for non-work interaction, it’s unlikely that you can predict where your crush might be (and you can’t just keep showing up at his/her favorite bar… this might be rom-com behavior but it usually gets you hit with a restraining order in real life… again, not that I would know). On the other hand, having developed your google-searching skills, you might be able to dig up more information on an adult crush than on a younger crush.
Some of the saddest lessons I’ve had to learn came about as a result of crushes. For me, having a crush is usually completely pointless as it has never happened that a crush-object has reciprocated my undercover ardor. Also, I’ve had only one person ever admit to having a crush on me, which turned out badly, teaching me that you should probably never keep pressing people to tell you things like that (and that you will probably never ever guess who has a crush on you, because most people will never do anything about it).
Although, last Christmas, I experienced something akin to meeting Baby Jesus himself when a crush I’ve had since SIXTH GRADE and I got a hotel room together. Which is why, unproductive as they might be, I will never stop having crushes.