THE THING ABOUT IMPLANTS

The other day, as I tried on a hot bustier (and realized I might need a little boosting) I thought … “it’s times like these when I wish I had some implants.”

It’s not that I want to look like some cheap trick, or that I want to flash my melons at Mardi Gras. And, I don’t want some big things bouncing up and down when I jog, and poking me when I try sleep on my tummy. But, just for one day, I’d like go sans bra without sacrificing that freshly pushed-up-and-in ooh la la that those lovely padded brassieres provide.

That’s the thing about implants. They’d make a neat accessory, but …

  • You can’t try them on before you buy … and, uh, who in their right mind would pay $15K for something they cannot test-drive first?
  • A doctor has to cut you open to install these babies – and sometimes, they cut your nipples right off! Who in the hell would let someone cut their nipples off, and then sew them back on later? Uhhh … one word: frankenipple!?!
  • If you don’t like them after you buy, or if they do not fit the way you’d like, you cannot return them as easily as a pair of shoes.
  • Fake boobs for extra cleavage? Pfft!! That’s the Wonderbra’s job.

So, to make a long story short (which could detail my visit to a strip club to see the weird fake girls ‘n boobs, my three-hour before-and-after photo session, the teardrop vs. round debate, my interviews with local plastic surgeons, and my follow-up appointment with awfulplasticsurgery.com): no cute top or push-up dream is worth going under the knife. These B’s are here to stay.

Besides, DCB says I have “ass,” and that’s what’s important.

24 thoughts on “THE THING ABOUT IMPLANTS

  1. girl in dc

    u also have to replace them every 10 years and they increase chance for autoimmune diseases. nice st benefits though

  2. Muffin

    I’d like to second DCB and mention that it’s all about the ass. I mean really, which do YOU see more of when you’re doin it?

    What about getting a tuck or whatever – the operation where they lift you up a little?

  3. girl in dc

    a lift is supposedly more painful than the implants (sounds crazy but what i hear). More cutting and pulling of your real anatomy. ouch. Lots of weights are the only defense to the gravity devil…

  4. Miss Metropolis Post author

    I heard that the breast reduction surgery is pretty painful, too.

    Have you heard of the ass implants? I bet people can’t sit for weeks after that one! 😐

  5. o-face

    Wait for IT………………………………………

    O-Face

    Its all about the O Baby!!!!!!!!

    Not really a breasts man. Strictly crunch buttoxs and legs. Plus, I know that breasts are gonna sink faster than a aircraft carrier anchor when chicks hit 30. So I revised my expectations and desires.

  6. Audrey2025

    I happen to agree with you, MM. Flaunt what you have and go easy/affordable/do-able to create a little drama as needed.

    DCB–Thanks for the cultural updates and views from V.

    MM–I like the flavor you add to this site. But if you are who I think you are, I urge you to come back full force on your own site! We miss you (even those who hate on you).

  7. DCINSIDER

    the person you are talking about is rumored to be writing a book. after that, i bet she will be back on the scene.

  8. O-Face

    Shake wit your momma gave you. Silly earthlings. So concerned about how you look everyday. I do have one question. What happens when you get old and die? What happens to breast implants then?? Does this mean were gonna have a bunch of grandmothers walking around with fake tits??

  9. bohjap

    there is a girl in bethesda with A Lot of work – nose – lips – lipo – eyes and just got the brazilian butt implant – body looks to be 20 – face much older. She holds her butt all the time like it hurts. it was flatter and sagging – now round and perky but looks weird. i think the butt implant is a problem. unlike boobs; you gotta use it to sit. i am waiting to see if she ends up removing it….

  10. jenk

    chest presses. work like a charm. I’ve gone up a cup size in a month. 😉 it’ll make them suckers perky, sans surgery.

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