I selected eight random blogs and submitted them to the Illuminati. They reviewed each one and I picked six for you to read. We’ll now go through these reviews one at a time. I will say that upon full review, these are not as offensive as I wished. I will supplement some of the weaker hate with some hating of my own.
Let’s start with with Jessa Jeffries, a girl who has a special place in my heart (and Furball’s too)…
Egg Shen: Chinese proverb say, “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.”
Jessa one hot fortune cookie, but for fuck’s sake, how about using spell check once in a while?
Spell it with Egg Shen… “ridiculously poignent”, not “rediculously poinent”. Fuck. What a hot dumbass.
Brutus: Okay, you think you’re hot. We fucking get it!
Murdoc: Sorry you’re getting married so young, dear, but does knowing nasty lonely dudes wank off to old photos of you really make you feel better about yourself?
Oooh bust. I will say that I do enjoy her photos… at night… alone… naked… with lube… in my right hand… and a tight grip. Anyways. The next blog is DC Gays Of Our Lives.
Brutus: We’re going to have to find a new word for gay, because “gay” isn’t enough to describe just how gay this blog is. It’s ubergay. And uberboring.
Egg Shen: Zzzzzz. Zzzzzzzz. Huh? What? Egg Shen thought homos supposed to be interesting and provocative. Like “Will And Grace”.
Nothing more tiresome than Chatty Kathys. With dicks.
Murdoc: Only good for grabbing the newest, gayest lingo around. Otherwise, heteros clearly not welcome. Just like Shirtless Thursdays at Green Lantern! Tee hee!
Calling a gay blog gay is like 50 Cent calling Fat Joe fat. It just doesn’t have zing. I will just say that this gay crew seems to have the most fun at the happy hours. Moving on to Rock Creek Rambler…
Brutus: Oh boy, another fucking post about the smoking ban. This douche needs to get over it and move on with his life.
Murdoc: Secretly gay. One minute he’s all hard saying fuck this and that, anarchy in the UK, and the next he’s talking about the veal fireworks in his mouth at dinner. Repressed poofter.
Egg Shen: Rock Creek so smug and all-knowing in his smarmy little world. Must be nice to be punching the time clock at the law office at 10 AM.
Wait until boss find out about blog. You’ll be laughing yourself silly all the way to poorhouse. Asshole.
Props to Egg Shen for finishing strong with the RCR hate. I do not know what a “poofter” is but I’m sure it’s bad. Next up is a member of his drinking society, Jordan Baker, a delusional person who was dealt severe ownage by yours truly. I think she is the only person I have made cry through my blog power.
Brutus: Doesn’t she have anything better to talk about than her eyebrows and her broken keyboard? I predict that one day she will be the owner of many, many cats.
Murdoc: Schoolmarm playing at bright-but-cute popular girl. Without photos, I’m not buying it. Off with Miss Ichabod’s boring, long-winded head.
Egg Shen: Gahhhh! For fuck’s sake! Enough with the pink and magenta fonts. Make Egg Shen feel like Lo Pan pluck out other good eye.
Baker seriously in need of editor. Overly long, boring posts make Egg Shen want to go ass-rape neighbor’s cat.
I think it’s ironic that someone working towards a graduate degree in English has one of the most unreadable blogs on the internet. How about another female blogger, Rhinestone Cowgirl…
Egg Shen: When Cowgirl leave for Egypt? What? Not going because of lymphoma scare? Sounds to Egg Shen like desperate cry for attention. Quit smoking pot. Maybe that will help.
Murdoc: Even with all the nasty sexual details spilled here, I just don’t care about this psycho bird. All the expensive clothes and make-up in the free world can’t cover up the crazy, love.
Brutus: It’s like a neurotic, self-absorbed trainwreck careening over the cliff of Too Much Information.
OWNED! This is how hating is done people. I think my heart is beating faster. Okay then moving on to the final review of DCeiver, DC’s version of George Constanza.
Egg Shen: Chinese proverb say, “Kill one to warn a hundred.” DCeiver’s blog sucks. You are saved. Thank Egg Shen later.
Brutus: I can’t wait for the next boring, endless recapitulation of “Lost.” It’s like Tolstoy meets TV Guide.
Murdoc: Biggest fucking name dropper I’ve ever seen. Only problem? The names you’re dropping are blog geeks, mate. Wonkette dropped you pretty bloody fast as well.
Umm I guess we didn’t save the best for last. And I’m not sure what point Egg Shen was trying to get across.
Well that concludes this first installment of the Illumnati’s Unbearable Lightness. I’m sure there will be another.