TOILET HUGGER

I’ve been having a hard time adjusting since my return because of the ugliness that is the United States.

Venezuela: Miss Universe
United States: Cranes to lift fat people out of their homes.

Plus, I’ve been wronged twice since I’ve been back:

1. As a frequent visitor to Dragonfly, I’m often able to go straight upstairs to the pseudo-exclusive area (not really much of an accomplishment). But on Friday night, my friend and I were refused entry by a bouncer that definitely knows me. His explanation was that I needed more girls. The point of going to a particular bar many times is so you don’t get treated like some average shlub. This was major disrespect. I am boycotting Dragonfly for at least one year.

2. I went to Taco Bell yesterday to enjoy a Grilled Stuft Burrito, when I noticed hours later that the food hadn’t moved from my stomach. Twelve hours later and I’m puking my guts out. I learned the hard way that when you have long hair, you must pull your hair back or you will get puke in it. I don’t know what is worse, puke in hair, or having puke in your nose so you can savor the smell for many hours later. I am boycotting Taco Bell for eternity. Once my insides stop trying to violently escape my body, I will have some good stuff to start the year. Now excuse me while I go make love to my toilet.

19 thoughts on “TOILET HUGGER

  1. jessa j

    i had food poisoning once and i blasted ass water for 4 days straight. i literally thought i was going to die. i scream when i vomit, rather loudly infact. it was quite an experience.

    have fun losing 10 lbs in 3 days fair friend!

    cheers!

  2. O-face

    Dam, you got a Alien in your stomach. Someone call Sigourney Weaver. Dude don’t disappoint us!! There better be some pictures of some hot Venezuelan women or I’m gonna boycott you for a year.

  3. chicbutnotshady

    u poor guy:( sux.
    we missed you – glad you are back. I think the taco bell boycott may be a happier thing for your stomach even when it is not full of really bad poison!

  4. CrazyGirl

    Ya know what? Being in a different country, eating their food, and then coming back to the US and eating Taco Hell isn’t the greatest idea. Our foods are so overly processed (in comparison to other countries), that it takes a toll on the stomach if you’ve been eating other natural things for a week or so.
    I have tried to drop fast food from my diet all together as it is gross.

  5. Liz

    If these two things are the worst two things to ever happen to you, consider yourself a lucky man.

    They still suck though.

  6. El Guapo in DC

    Mi amigo, do not put that “food” into your mouth. That is class D rated beef that they use. Not even to dogs in Honduras would that food be given. For you, I will say a prayer and wish that all Taco Bell employees have hemorroids.

    Mucho Amor,

    El Guapo

  7. Namaste

    Hope you are feeling better by Fri. I’ll be in town. Cookie will hook you up with details, I’m sure.

  8. A_Unique_Alias

    I’m happy that you’re back and all DCB, but does this mean we won’t be able to enjoy the ouroboros of hate that Miss Metropolis brought with her?

    Oh, and Miss Canada looked exactly the same as those other two broads. meh.

  9. holiday

    Welcome back DCB! Boycotting Taco Bell was probably a good call. Food poisoning is the absolute worst.

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