VENEZUELA: WATER BEACH

My expectations on the cab ride to Playa El Agua (literal translation: water beach) was extremely low. It would have been really hard for things to get any worse. At this point of the trip I was thinking of finding ways to kill time, because 16 waking hours a day alone to myself in a place where there is not a thing to do is uncomfortably close to solitary confinement. How many hours can you lay out on a beach? That’s something I appreciate here in the U.S.: our beaches have boardwalks, kite stores, fun casinos, gigantic buckets of fries, and mini-golf with erupting volcanoes. Of course it’s not very purposeful but at least it’s something to pass the time with. I’m in paradise but I’m bored to death.

Playa El Agua turns out to be a beautiful beach untouched by commercial development. Only 2 kilometers in length, the beach is filled with vacationing families, little huts that double as bars and restaurants (kioskos), and dozens of vendors selling handmade jewelry, hats, sunglasses, cookies on cardboard box platters, and mens khaki shorts. Fat men in speedos played paddle ball (no Frisbees in sight). Beautiful women sported those little bikini lace covering things. I enjoyed relaxing on the beach with my Coca-Cola beverage in the classic bottle.

When you see this many people on the beach, it’s hard not to get a little excited because of the potential crowds at night, but this is Venezuela we’re talking about. At 9PM there is no one out. Unbelievable. I go to an empty bar and start drinking Polar Ice, the reject version of Miller Ice. Because it’s such a light beer, you have to drink a lot of it and drink it fast if you want a shot of being inebriated. Price of a bottle: 75 cents. Throughout the trip I found that it was much easier to just order two or three at a time.

The friendly waitress and I ‘talk’ for over an hour in Spanish. I have been studying Spanish at home for about four months now and can communicate pretty well with the locals. It’s amazing how much you can say with a knowledge of only a few hundred words. Tip for male travelers: the best conversation opener is “Hablas ingles?” (“Do you speak English?”). It quickly screens for girls who like gringos.

There were other bartenders there and before I knew it, there was a circle of Venezuelan women around me, getting a kick out my crappy Spanish. This kind of scenario turned out to be the rule through the trip: patient natives (i.e. women) willing to sit with you and talk about anything. The girls invite me to a club. Over here if I go to a club I’ll maybe get into a long conversation with one out of every five girls that I bump into. But down there, it’s more like four out of every five. It was such a certainty that a conversation would develop that I was able to be more careful and talk to the hottest girls instead of having to pass time or ‘warm up’ with the mediocre ones like I do here. And something a friend told me a while ago turned out to be very true: “Even if you can’t speak her language, as long as she likes you she will just smile and nod even if she has no idea what you are saying.”

On the beach clubs I had to be a little careful because of the female gringo handlers, whose only goal seems to be extracting as many free drinks from you as possible. You think at 75 cents a pop, you can buy drinks for any girl and it shouldn’t have any real significance, but regardless, I strongly advise against buying drinks for random girls. Drink prices or international boundaries are no excuse for beta male behavior.

Because the beach has a limited supply of water, we are only able to use it during three separate 90 minute periods throughout the day. (That waiter serving you food for dinner probably has not washed his hands for several hours.) A consequence of this rule is that it produces people with sticky hands and bodies. Grinding with the girls at Woody’s Beach Club was more erotic than usual because of that. And anytime you get hot, you walk 20 feet to the beach to cool off in the strong night breeze, surrounded by feral dogs and couples making out. By Venezuelan standards, this was heaven. Though I could have done without the incident involving the Brazilian prostitute working incognito. I wish I packed more Listerine.

Venezuela Table of Contents

1. Venezuela: Urban Hell
2. Venezuela: Escape From Caracas
3. Venezuela: Water Beach
4. Venezuela: A Reggaeton Christmas
5. Venezuela: Russo Does Not Respect Me
6. Venezuela: Question and Answer
7. Venezeula: Sabana Grande

23 thoughts on “VENEZUELA: WATER BEACH

  1. Anonymous

    Dam dude, sorry but this is a funny read. I can’t believe 1) you go to this place alone and 2) you are really just trying to enjoy yourself but it seems impossible. I wish you could stay there for a month or more cuz this shit is hilarious.

    again, i’m sorry… and your not missing anything here in DC. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably pick one girl to chill and get drunk with. And it would have to be a working girl, perhaps at the hotel?

  2. Lonnie Bruner

    Just remember, one out of four American women have genital herpes. That’s probably more like one out of two in el Tercer Mundo. And there’s no cure … Link.

    And DCB, you should start a travel blog. Keep ’em coming!

  3. Sudamericana

    Hey, anonymous, he is back in DC already, but fortunately it seems he still has more stories from Venezuela for us to laugh about.

    Can’t wait for the Reggaeton Christmas…

    A mi me gusta la gasolina, Dame mas gasolina… :banana:

  4. DCB Post author

    i dont care for taking pictures of cute girls unless i know them… and if i did know them i doubt i’d post it on the internet for all to see

    puppy dog: es muerte

  5. Venezuelan citizen, living in the US since 2005

    Dude polar ice is not the best choice for a beer. The best venezuelan beer in the country is Solera, it comes in a green bottle, and its way better than any american beers. Im 4 real, solera is a kick ass beer, at least i think that is better than the american ones. The bad thing is that its a lil bit more expensive than the Ice. Man next time get a in a tour and find a good tour guide. If you travel alone and u dont know the country it gets really boring. Hope u might change ur mind about my country, its not that bad (if u know where to go).

  6. Lollll

    Dude you went to the worst part of venezuela!! lol im venezuelan living in venezuela i lived in miami for a few years. listen those places u named are horrible and in ur travel guide or w/e did u not read that caracas was 2nd worse city to live in world wide?? im suprised u didnt get robbed about 3593 times. u need to go with somebody who knwos venezuela really well.. like me lol but no doubt u saw beutifull women thats plenty of that all over venezuela

  7. callum

    wow….u went to shitty places, i went to venezuela 2 months ago and it was one of the best holidays i had gone to, go to los roques, and it seems like u didnt do much research on the place…..u really did not get the good venezuela, and thats sad.
    I loved venezuela

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