1. Cute face, long hair, big ass. Breasts are not important unless you are heavy set, but in that case I wouldn’t be dating you anyway. (99% of female readers are disqualified from this step alone.)

2. Leaves immediately after sex.

3. Not a status-driven cunt.

4. Sex juice that smells like garden herbs.

5. Not an overachiever. You need to make time and energy for me, not your lame “career.”

6. Not a dirty whore. It’s okay if you are a whore (what girl isn’t?) as long as you’re not too dirty. I don’t want the herp.

7. Vagina tight like a man’s anus.

8. Must not mind hanging out twice a month at the most.

9. Extra petite so it appears that I am like a baby’s arm.

43 thoughts on “9 QUALITIES I WANT IN A WOMAN

  1. Irina

    omg you are such an asshole
    how can you say those things?
    you have no respect for women!
    you are such a homo!
    what a chauvinist pig

    did i miss any?


    love ya boo :love:

  2. Aja

    “Sex juice that smells like garden herbs.”

    Why not fruit? Herbs may get too spicy smelling.

  3. TC the Terrible

    “Vagina tight like a man?s anus.”


    I do not want to know that you have first hand knowledge that would allow for this compairison. My image of your godliness would be forever crushed if I found out you had been batting from both sides of the plate.

    As for the ‘dirty whore’ comment. A little bit of trailer trash in your life can be a very good thing. Just be sure to keep your raincoat on tight and get it before her daddy gets home. Because you know she never cleans it up after he’s done.


  4. Chaco

    Well, it is official, there is not a woman alive who would qualify as a girlfriend for you. You’ll be playing the game as long as Huge Heffner. It’s cool, I look forward to a life time of funny stories about the latest notch and a life time of ascerbicly witty posts on the silliness of it all.

  5. KassyK

    A list?! Oh no…not the dreaded list. :whoa:

    Realistically everyone has lists and to be honest: Yours is pretty basic…offensive-eh not really considering your blog is “DC Bachelor”…

    The problem is that lists get tossed when the right one comes along–But until then, list away baby…list away…and have fun!

  6. mhm

    It’s like when a chick asks me what turns you on? You really want to know?
    1. Shut up
    2. After we have sex leave
    3. If we see each other in public pretend we don’t know one another.

  7. hedonistic

    Ah, youth! I have a question for all you grownups out there: How old you when you realized you never “rated” your fantasy, and finally got real?

    Supply and demand, puppies, supply and demand! The girl DCB just described wouldn’t give DCB the time of day unless he was paying. Hot chicks who place no emotional demands on men and who are willing to get up and go right after sex are making $2000/nite.

    In otther words, “rotsa ruck!” LOL!

  8. KassyK

    Garden Herbs? Ew…I prefer to keep mine smelling like freshly baked vanilla cupcakes and I guess until someone makes a list with that on it…I’m out.

  9. Eugenius

    Fucken laughing out loud at work……….great list…..i second most of it…….too bad probability of someone hitting all those points is as low as me and you not running into someone every weekend who we’ve smashed before….


  10. fabgurrl

    WOW, you stole my list!! except for the whole baby’s arm thing… i’m a size queen.

  11. Anon

    For best results with #4 date a vegan non-smoker who doesn’t overdo it with spicy foods.

  12. O-face

    Vagina tight like a man?s anus.

    You really need to edit that, because you know we do have a homophobic complex down here in the trollville. But if your swinging from both sides of the plate thats cool…not that i’m saying there is anything wrong with that..

    Plus..99 percent of women lose that characteristic by 21 and that age is slowly dropping thanks to Myspace and craigslist.

  13. Anonymous

    You can get a woman like that every weekend if the price is right, I’m sure. You’re just too goddamned cheap.

  14. OK

    What about attention whores? I can’t stand dating attention whores, did it for four years, she basically wanted me to act like we were not together so she could get all the boys to stare at her while her hot ass danced on the table, bar, or whatever allowed the maximum amount of people to watch and ogle her. If no one paid attention (which I thought was hilarious) she wanted to leave.

  15. Raincouver

    And I thought only our group spoke of trolls and scrubs. Well golly gee and gosh darn. I have to agree with dorothy a few comments back… you will have to resign your life to a sentence of bachelorhood. That is, of course, unless you decide to move to another city. Who reads this, anyway? You gotta have a sense of humour… like Judy. You see? At least you’ll always have Judy…

  16. namaste


    according to this criteria.., i’m a perfect woman. this just made my day…

  17. Kristine

    It seems to me that #5 is silly given #8, and also #2. Sorry, but this list would be better fulfilled by an overachiever career girl, who won’t have time to worry if you’re just in it for sex, and who is more likely to be petite and vegan (see above comments) than average. Or maybe you like being single and bitter?

  18. hedonistic

    Girls what’s on YOUR lists; is it as funny as this one? My list isn’t entertaining at all, so I’ll confine my musings on The Ideal Man to my own blog. But I can think of a funny list:

    1. Does not fart; in fact, has no body odor at all;
    2. Leaves no trail of refuse (food remnants, discarded clothing, etc.) about the house;
    3. Rarely watches TV, thereby being full of great stories from having lived an interesting life but never tells the same story (to you) more than once;
    4. Body hair, girls? Shall we speak of butt and back hair? (I like it; you may not!)
    5. Is not a shallow cad;
    6. Possesses a slow hand and a patient tongue – – – (oh dear, is this a family show? Sorry!)
    7. Cuddles after sex
    9. Does not pick his teeth, grunt or grab his crotch in public;
    10. Ladies, anything else?

  19. Anonymous

    At this point, I’ll settle for a man who

    1. isn’t on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, etc. medication.
    2. as a result of #1, does NOT have jizz that tastes like I swallowed the contents of the Dead Sea.
    3. can withstand the onslaught of my entire family’s dysfunction.

    totally do-able. NO?

  20. Johnny5

    Wow hedonistic, I fit every one of your criteria (except the back hair). Let’s elope together :]

  21. hedonistic

    Johnny5, I’m allergic to marriage; can I just have the sex? LOL

    (FWIW my list includes “Over 45,” “likes clairvoyants,” and “foot/shoe fetishist” because I want an adult will not fear me, one who will be turned ON by my shoe buying habits, LOL . . . What can I say? My list is weird, so I’m single!)

  22. ribald

    oh yeah, i almost forgot — ladies, guys lovvvvvvve it when it’s sunny and 80 degrees outside and you’re dressed to impress in your housekeeper flats, cordury boy-pants, a turtleneck, and trenchcoat. oh-so sexy, dear. here’s a hint — if you know summer’s approaching, hit the gym and tone up, and stop dressing like our grandmothers. your layers of clothing ain’t foolin’ anybody into thinking you have a fit body underneath.

  23. Lonnie Bruner

    Ok, DCB, at first I didn’t see the pure genius behind that “tight like a man’s anus” comment, but since you got it from Borat, I give you the utmost respect.

  24. dean

    i think women are getting far to fat nowadays girls STOP eating so much and get off ya fat arse and work……

  25. Austin

    I arrived at this website by accident, but I admit I find it quite amusing.

    Here is something I have always wondered: why is it that when a man successfully dodges the deadly marriage bullet he is to be congratulated and when a woman dodges that very same bullet she is considered a pathetic spinster?

    You accuse women of being nothing more than golddiggers or, how did you put it… “status driven cunts”, yet you think that women shouldn’t focus on their “lame careers” and just be completely fulfilled by petting and pampering your adolescent ass until her allotted time is up and then she is supposed to happily leave.

    Wow… your mother really screwed you up didn’t she! I guess that’s why you fantasize about the male anus.

    Well, enjoy your bachelorhood. You will have it a long time!

    And remember… when you came into this world a woman was changing your diapers. Before you leave this world another woman will be changing your diapers. You might want to think about showing just a little bit of respect to women so that you don’t just end up with some paid orderly who could care less if you wallow in your own shit.

    Best of luck to you DCB. Now this woman will happily leave!

  26. John


    Our country is so dysfuntional because men started ‘respecting’ women. Women are not for respect, women are for taking care of men and making babies – watch the discovery channel some time instead of “Friends”, will ya?

    As for the man’s asshole comparison, I am assumming you specify “man’s”, because after some back-door action with a girl, clearly her anus would not be as tight as a man’s, and the tighter the better. So one does not have to assume you’re batting for both teams to make such a comment.

    …I hope.

  27. P

    I assume your comments are made in jest. If not, I think you can plan on remaining a confirmed bachelor for the rest of your life.

    John mentioned back-door-action “A vagina tight like a man’s anus?” Apparently, you’ve sampled a man’s anus, other than your own. The word: ‘like’ kind of implies that. There’s nothing wrong with that. No! Variety is the spice of life, and what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom is their business, as long as they’re practicing safe sex and they’re of age.

    BTW, quite a few guys have even stuck something up their own anus. What physician doesn’t have an emergency room story to tell? “Doctor, I accidently fell on this broom handle now lodged to the hilt up my butt.” That statement begs the question: “How does a broom handle accidently slide up one’s butt? Don’t you think it had a little help?

    I don’t think anus tightness is gender-specific. Yes, I have limited experience in this area, but that’s my hunch. I would think, excluding other factors, that anus tightness would be weight-specific. Maybe biologically-specific? A 90-pound woman, or man, would most likely have a tight hole, while a 300-pound woman, or man, would most likely have a loose hole.


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  29. jamie

    ok first of all you are funny as hell
    if i was a man i would want the same thing
    lol jp

    if u dont want herpes stop banging ur mom lol
    ur a loser wat kind of man are u to settle for a dirty girl or one that has no self respect…ur not a man evidently ur still a stupid little boy…garden herbs?? ur fucking dumb who says that…oh and a mans anus?? buddy sounds to me like ur gay dumb ass homo bitch get a life …u aint gonna ever have a happy relationship ur best bet is to masturbate 🙂 ciao

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