A primer for the ladies.

I can tell you why you are not meeting men and why you will eventually spend approximately 5% of your entire life span bitching about how you can’t seem to meet men and asking where to meet them.

Somewhere along the line, women got retarded. It’s like a college education and more opportunities in the workplace made us all stupider in the natural laws of attraction. What I’m going to tell you is solid gold, and if you disagree, then you’re an idiot, and will probably die alone.

1. First of all, why are you turning down social invitations? I hear this all the time from women. “I’m too tired” or “I have to go let my dog out” or “I really have to wash clothes” … really? All of these things are more important than potentially meeting an attractive, eligible man? If you get invited to do something, even if it sounds lame, GO. You’re not going to meet men sitting on your couch in your PJs watching a “Project Runway” marathon. If you live out of town, find friends who live in the District who will let you crash on their couch if you go out at night… and learn the art of walk-of-shame shopping. As a codicil, if you are double- or triple-booked, try to go to everything, if even for only 10 minutes.

2. Always be prepared. You never know when you’ll go to the coffee shop and meet your future husband waiting on your tall mocha. That’s why you can’t afford to be cavalier about your appearance or the number of business cards in your wallet (or having a pen and paper handy).

3. When did “being comfortable” become more important than “being pretty”? Guess what: it’s a cold hard truth, but men think your flat, orthopedic-looking shoes are UGLY. You don’t have to dress like a model every day, and you don’t have to have a lot of money to look good. But you can think about what a man might like to see on a woman. It’s not a plain top, flip-flops, and jeans that make your butt look chubby. Learn how to walk in high heels, and make some friends who won’t lie to you about your clothing. Additionally, buy a push-up bra or two. You know that saying, “men are visual creatures”? It’s a saying because it’s true. A little flash, a little pizzazz are your best weapons. Just don’t lay the make-up on with a trowel.

4. Stop being a bitch. You know why no guys are hitting on you at the restaurant/bar? Because you’re sitting there with a frown on your face, trying to look cool. If you are lucky enough to be approached by a man who would probably love nothing more than to buy you a drink, be polite. And, make lots of eye contact.

4a. Quit trying to act like you are the hottest shit on the planet, because you’re not. It’s all well and good to tell yourself that a couple of times a day as a pick-me-up (I’m certainly guilty), but don’t take that attitude outside of your head. Some women affect boredom because they think it makes them seem sophisticated, but it just makes them look borING. Why not look like you are having fun?

5. Think about where the kind of men you would like to meet would be present. Every dating advice columnist out there tells you to go to cooking classes and that kind of bullheimer, but there’s no guarantees there. Suggestions:

-alumni groups for your college (you’ll have at least one thing in common)
-briefings, panel discussions, etc. on the Hill (men who are reasonably intelligent, have decent jobs, and will totally hit on you if you look hot)
-book readings and concerts (if you go by yourself, it’s less intimidating to men than approaching a tight cluster of girls)

6. Develop yourself. Read a book or two, go to a museum, go to a movie, take a trip. You know how you reject men because they don’t have anything interesting to say? I know it’s hard to believe, but men will reject you for the same reason.

7. It might be in female nature to take everything personally and to look for hidden meanings in what people say, but try avoid this. Example: if a man you’ve met exactly once before says, “you look different” upon meeting you the second time, don’t immediately assume that because you weren’t wearing makeup the first time, you looked ugly and that because you are wearing makeup now, that you look pretty, and that this man actually thinks you are ugly, and now you hate him, and he’s not that good-looking anyway, and who does he think he is, and why does he think he’s so superior, and he’s probably lying about all that tail he’s pulling anyway. Do you know why men say that women are psycho bitches? Because women think like that. And then they say it out loud. And believe it.

I’m not claiming to be an expert. But, I do meet a lot of men – the kind of men that most women would like to date. And, I feel like that makes me at least somewhat qualified to assess what you’re doing wrong. So buck up. Because you think you’re ready to meet the man of your dreams… but how hard are you trying?

91 thoughts on “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU

  1. Joe

    She also forgot to capitalize “Hell”. She hasn’t even gotten there yet, and she’s already dissing the Lord of Darkness!

  2. johnnyboy

    God, you women read women’s magazines too much. If you just are friendly and showered, you will have no problem meeting men. Of course, if you have an agenda, and are trying to find “prince charming to save your life and allow you to get ahead”, then you deserve to die alone. Women are the biggest objectifiers, they think that men are plastic wrapped husband objects. Stop reading those magazines and start sleeping around, you’ll find your dream man.

  3. hedonistic

    Wow, I’m insecure and “ultimately ended up unhappy?” Like, when the divorce papers were signed, the curtain went down on my life? Really? :amused: Actually, I was only unhappy while I was married, and that was a few years ago. Life has been one adventure after another ever since. In the mean time, my ex-husband and I are friends and neighbors.

    Ladies, all the fun is to be had while you’re dating. After the wedding, game over! So get out there and have some fun and stop worrying about getting married or some jerk calling you a spinster! You don’t have to worry about whether or not men find you attractive so long as you are decent-looking, fit and give off even the slightest whiff of fertility (youth). If you are in a group of men you can be sure one of them is imagining bending you right over. They can’t help it, it’s just instinct. Just roll with it, and let nature take its course.

    And if you are ever tempted to tie the knot, just remember: The majority of divorces are initiated by WOMEN! The megabillion dollar wedding industry wants you to think life is all about “catching yer man” and having the big party with the white dress. It’s all a load of crap, don’t fall for it!

    Partay on,



  4. Joe

    Hedonistic, if you initiated your divorce, do you ever think back and maybe consider that you were a poor judge of character when you met your ex?

    It’s really amazing how many women who’ve showed up here to answer Sally’s post are spring-loaded with anti-male attitudes.

    Of course, the idiots like Dr. and johnnyboy don’t help the situation. I swear, whenever I hear a guy spout stupid rhetoric like that, the first word I think of is “POSEUR”. Just a bunch of cowardly “males” trying to prove how hard they are.

    Let me paraphrase my man Rot-ney: “Why can’t we all just get along?!”

  5. hedonistic

    Joe, I’m an EX-cellent judge of character. My ex is wonderful and will make some other woman a wonderful husband, so long as she doesn’t mind being “the Wife.” As things stand, we are friends, co-parents and neighbors (literally a few houses up the road). I refuse to be a “wife.”

  6. Johnny5

    Hedonistic you are being called “insecure and ultimately ended up unhappy” because you base the union of men and women on your failed marriage. I think the spinster behaviour and all that is a classic defense mechanism given the hurt it obviously would have caused you, there’s no big mystery there.
    But if you make it your way of life, how will you ever find the decent man you know you really want deep down, the one who doesn’t treat you like “the wife”?

  7. hedonistic

    Interesting presumption there:

    1. divorced = unhappy
    2. find the right man = happy

    Both could be either true or untrue depending on the person and the circumstance. Bottom line is that our happiness does not ultimately lie in whether or not we couple-up in accordance with expectations.

    I stand by my suggestion above: It is likely that women who end up “spinsters” DEEP DOWN never really wanted to be married anyway. If they did, they would have made different life choices.

    Bottom line: We WITHOUT FAIL put our energy into the things we deem most important.

  8. johnnyboy

    Hey Joe, you are just not worth the extra characters, as you don’t have much of one to start with. And check your own spelling while you’re at it.

  9. johnnyboy

    Hey Joe, you are just not worth the extra characters, as you don’t have much of one to start with. And check your own spelling while you’re at it.

  10. Johnny5

    Hedonistic, you’re advocating spinsterdom if a woman feels that way inclined and it makes her “happy”. You’ve even gone so far as to choose an online name describing self-gratification.

    What I’m saying, quite openly here, is that all you’re advocating is merely a state of denial, reinforced by those who need others to join them in their misery.
    If you ask me, true happiness comes from our relationships with others, especially a meaningful intimacy with someone of the opposite sex. It has very little to do with expectation and much more to do with basic human need and desire.

    I’m not saying that you should have stayed with your husband and endured a bad marriage, but writing off the possibility of marrying someone again because of one bad experience is really sad.

    No doubt my strong feelings about this come from having a mother who has done exactly that and seeing the effect her “happiness” has had on her and those around her.
    You mentioned that you’re a parent, so I think you would be wise to at least take what I’ve said in to consideration. What are you going to say to your offspring when they have difficulty with their boyfriends/girlfriends, that they should give up on them and focus only on pleasing themselves? What you say won’t really even matter, because as you are no doubt aware, kids do as their parents do, not as they say.

    In closing, “won’t someone think of the children?”

  11. hedonistic

    We were born to be in relationship, that’s a given. But there are many diffent kinds of relationships besides the permanent pair-bond, and of those I, and most people I hope, have many!

    (This is not that I’m immune from the siren call of the permanent pair-bond. It could happen.)

    Perhaps we need to tweak everyone’s definition of “spinster.” She is not necessarily a recluse. If the spinsters you know are reclusive, then I suggest their REAL problem is social, not romantic! In which case, suggesting they “get out more” is like saying agoraphobics “just need a vacation.”

  12. hedonistic

    Oh, and for the record, my “hedonistic” handle comes from an inside joke. It’s entertaining to to read the things people project on it.

  13. me

    This should be changed from “primer for the ladies” to “primer for the ladies on how to meet shallow, materialistic men.” Who likes push-up bras, make-up, and women who are always artificially happy and peppy? Why, former frat boys and asshole types – wealthy businessmen, investment bankers, and other shallow, money-obsessed drones. Popped collar types. Lots of women go for those but you shouldn’t forget about those of us who actually have brains and want to meet INTERESTING men. Most interesting men I know HATE push-up bras, in fact think no bra is sexy, and don’t give a flying fuck about high heels.

  14. Meredith

    All the people who are taking this so seriously are exactly what Sally’s posting against. I’m a feminist, and I didn’t get any “Whooooooooo, patriarchy!” vibes from this. Shorter post: Ladies, be your charming, fun, relaxed selves, and you’ll find someone who appreciates it. Looking good is always a plus, but I think that has more to do with the confidence (not arrogance!) that looking good gives you.

  15. Cryinginsideangryoutside

    Hedonistic is sad and her kids will be too until the therapy starts but then there are the therapy bills oh so sad…

  16. Joe

    me, I am a guy and I *do* give a flying fuck about high heels as a matter of fact. In fact, in personal ads I write, “I am 5’8″ so I hope you’re at least 5’9″, because I like you to wear heels!”

    Yeah, I just get a kick out of blowing those trite American stereotypes to smithereens, I guess.

    Rock on…

  17. Anonymous

    This post just perpetuates the idea that men are a commodity that women have to fight over – and to “win” they must present themselves in some contrived way (i.e. full makeup, high heels, push up bra etc…) and without such effort no man will ever want them. It is as though Sally is advocating all women become cookie cutter Barbie princesses and fails to recognize that personality, confidence, and intellect more often will attract relationship worthy men – while exuding all the qualities she lists will typically just result in getting drinks bought for you and a one night stand. The man who wants said princess isn’t going to be the man of your dreams…the one who appreciates all the other qualities will be.

  18. Joe

    Anonymous, lots of men claim they don’t pay attention to those “contrivances”, and lots of women decry them, but the fact of the matter is, that the *average* male will be drawn like a fly to honey to the cumulative effect of those things. If it weren’t so, women wouldn’t have developed such habits through the centuries, from corsets to heels to lipstick or whatever. The times and fashions may change, but the fact that such a little glitter and feminine flash will draw most guys’ eyes, remains an ineluctable truth. Almost every culture on earth, from Latinas in Venezuela and Puerto Rico, to tribespeople in New Guinea, engage in some kind of adornment and decoration (for both sexes). You’re trying to escape the biological. I say, let’s celebrate the things that make us feel good and warm and tingly, celebrate the excitement rather than trying to deny or escape it… Sounds like a dreadfully anti-human philosophy to me, Anon.

  19. hedonistic

    Honestly. Break it down logically: if men can be aroused by blow-up dolls, how hard does a woman really have to work to get laid?

    Ladies, look fertile: Shiny hair, good skin, favorable waist-to-hip ratio, good teeth. Everything else is just window dressing, and as Joe suggested, we might as well have fun with it.

    As for the rest of the mating dance? As Woody Allen said, “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

  20. Redneck Feminist

    FWIW, I am engaged to the greatest guy on the planet and I didn’t follow any of that advice. Well, except that I read, but I didn’t take up reading to snag a man!

    I definitely disagree with the dress fancy advice. Most guys I know like to do stuff like hiking, biking, camping, sports, etc. They are not interested in women who look too pristine to do those things.

    Also, I am a drummer and I have found this hobby to be a guy-magnet. Just sayin’.

  21. Frederf

    What a curious collection of Prime Time TV views and off the wall suggestions.

    I can tell you myself, as a male, approachability, charm, and accessibility are way better attributes than being candy on a stick. Enthusiasm and joy are the biggest turn ons. Helen Hunt gets Mel Gibson, not Paris Hilton. Doll yourself up like a vapid materialistic teenager and it shows what you value, looks and sex over everything else. And that’s exactly what you’ll attract. Hide behind dark sunglass and chew gum in a holier-than-thou look and the only come ons you’ll get are from guys with more balls than brains. Beyond a certain point, looks scare away more than they attract. If you’re looking for the model (physical) type man… be prepared for huge competition, they are many times rarer than the model type women.

    Walk into a room and 90% of single men would be absolutely thrilled to have you sit next to them and have a friendly chat. Of course after they get rid of the suspicion it’s some trick or there’s a video camera somewhere. Nothing is more attractive than a woman that is sensible and genuinely interested.

    Men are really easy to please and will campaign for you after the first contact. It is our privilage to win you after “the game is on.”

    All this talk of “have hip/waist ratio x” or such are to be ignored. 300lb men will sit on the internet and openly critize features of supermodels. Don’t buy into that. You’d be surprised how much higher the concept of attractiveness is for women of themselves than men of women. Health and sensibility all you need. Treat who you’re dealing with respect and demand the same in return. Don’t be a sitcom girlfriend that obsesses and has arbitrarily critical limits. If a guy feels you’re searching him for something to dismiss him by, just another number in a long line, he won’t like it.

    Decent looking women are by the far the most sought after commodity on the planet.

  22. Anti-Truthing Act Violation

    It isn’t true. It’s NOT! It’s NOT TRUE! It isn’t!
    Isn’t, isn’t, isn’t, isn’t, isn’t! It ISN’T TRUE!!
    You’re wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. WRONG!
    Like totally NOT. I *KNOW* a *beautiful relationship* is out there just waiting for me! So DON’T SAY it isn’t! It’s *bullshit*! Lies!

  23. IPOP


    Preparation meets Opportunity!!

    Although cliche’, you never have a second chance to make a first impression!!

    If you don’t put yourself out there you will never have even the first chance. Get off of your soap box and be seen in the scene!

  24. slade

    american women are crude/arogant/egotistical and fake no wonder your guys dont want anything to with you and all that feminism didnt that die off in the 80s

  25. spcwby


    “Why Girls Will Be Girls
    In a controversial new book, this psychiatrist argues that differences between men and women start with their brains?..”

    Imagine that, a biological difference from the get-go ….I?m shocked, shocked!

    Oh, it is by a woman psychiatrist who is spot on with her research which… “describes the neurological reasons why women think about sex less than men but, in their drive to produce genetically superior babies, may be having more extramarital affairs than their frustrated husbands might imagine. She also explains how changing brain chemistry can prompt a postmenopausal woman to forgo marriage counseling and dial up a divorce lawyer instead.”

    Eventually she will be black listed (in addition to the current fasion of sliming) by NOW for advocating heresy against the party doctrine.

    (ie Party Doctrine: a ?Man Hating Cunt? toxic manifesto that is defacto std for American women.)

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  28. Anonymous

    While I agree with some of your points, I find some of them flat out distressing. I don’t want the kind of guy that would be attracted to those kind of… efforts. Yes, its a good idea to try to look reasonably attractive, and certain things may or may not catch someone’s eyes, but quite frankly the guy who would only talk to me if I wore high heels and designer jeans is not the kind I want to be with, period. I have found that women have infinitely more luck just being sociable and finding people they hit it off with, usually doing things that are common ground, such as meeting someone at a group or gathering of interest. And maybe someone’s shoes aren’t high fashion, but again, the guy that would turn you down because of it isn’t worth your time. Sure, if you are going out on the town, if you are seeking to be looked at, then you should go all out, but if the guy at the coffee shop turns you away after you approach him in a friendly, interested, manner because you aren’t wearing designer jeans, I wouldn’t let it bother you. Besides, confidence and finesse has won more hearts than expensive baubles ever has. I’ve seen it happen all the time, and I myself have had the experience, and am currently in a solid relationship that didn’t take not being who I really am to win myself into.

  29. Maddy

    What’s up with having to be pretty? I don’t even OWN a tube of lipstick and I of course never will.

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