WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU

A primer for the ladies.

I can tell you why you are not meeting men and why you will eventually spend approximately 5% of your entire life span bitching about how you can’t seem to meet men and asking where to meet them.

Somewhere along the line, women got retarded. It’s like a college education and more opportunities in the workplace made us all stupider in the natural laws of attraction. What I’m going to tell you is solid gold, and if you disagree, then you’re an idiot, and will probably die alone.

1. First of all, why are you turning down social invitations? I hear this all the time from women. “I’m too tired” or “I have to go let my dog out” or “I really have to wash clothes” … really? All of these things are more important than potentially meeting an attractive, eligible man? If you get invited to do something, even if it sounds lame, GO. You’re not going to meet men sitting on your couch in your PJs watching a “Project Runway” marathon. If you live out of town, find friends who live in the District who will let you crash on their couch if you go out at night… and learn the art of walk-of-shame shopping. As a codicil, if you are double- or triple-booked, try to go to everything, if even for only 10 minutes.

2. Always be prepared. You never know when you’ll go to the coffee shop and meet your future husband waiting on your tall mocha. That’s why you can’t afford to be cavalier about your appearance or the number of business cards in your wallet (or having a pen and paper handy).

3. When did “being comfortable” become more important than “being pretty”? Guess what: it’s a cold hard truth, but men think your flat, orthopedic-looking shoes are UGLY. You don’t have to dress like a model every day, and you don’t have to have a lot of money to look good. But you can think about what a man might like to see on a woman. It’s not a plain top, flip-flops, and jeans that make your butt look chubby. Learn how to walk in high heels, and make some friends who won’t lie to you about your clothing. Additionally, buy a push-up bra or two. You know that saying, “men are visual creatures”? It’s a saying because it’s true. A little flash, a little pizzazz are your best weapons. Just don’t lay the make-up on with a trowel.

4. Stop being a bitch. You know why no guys are hitting on you at the restaurant/bar? Because you’re sitting there with a frown on your face, trying to look cool. If you are lucky enough to be approached by a man who would probably love nothing more than to buy you a drink, be polite. And, make lots of eye contact.

4a. Quit trying to act like you are the hottest shit on the planet, because you’re not. It’s all well and good to tell yourself that a couple of times a day as a pick-me-up (I’m certainly guilty), but don’t take that attitude outside of your head. Some women affect boredom because they think it makes them seem sophisticated, but it just makes them look borING. Why not look like you are having fun?

5. Think about where the kind of men you would like to meet would be present. Every dating advice columnist out there tells you to go to cooking classes and that kind of bullheimer, but there’s no guarantees there. Suggestions:

-alumni groups for your college (you’ll have at least one thing in common)
-briefings, panel discussions, etc. on the Hill (men who are reasonably intelligent, have decent jobs, and will totally hit on you if you look hot)
-book readings and concerts (if you go by yourself, it’s less intimidating to men than approaching a tight cluster of girls)

6. Develop yourself. Read a book or two, go to a museum, go to a movie, take a trip. You know how you reject men because they don’t have anything interesting to say? I know it’s hard to believe, but men will reject you for the same reason.

7. It might be in female nature to take everything personally and to look for hidden meanings in what people say, but try avoid this. Example: if a man you’ve met exactly once before says, “you look different” upon meeting you the second time, don’t immediately assume that because you weren’t wearing makeup the first time, you looked ugly and that because you are wearing makeup now, that you look pretty, and that this man actually thinks you are ugly, and now you hate him, and he’s not that good-looking anyway, and who does he think he is, and why does he think he’s so superior, and he’s probably lying about all that tail he’s pulling anyway. Do you know why men say that women are psycho bitches? Because women think like that. And then they say it out loud. And believe it.

I’m not claiming to be an expert. But, I do meet a lot of men – the kind of men that most women would like to date. And, I feel like that makes me at least somewhat qualified to assess what you’re doing wrong. So buck up. Because you think you’re ready to meet the man of your dreams… but how hard are you trying?

91 thoughts on “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU

  1. KassyK

    Wow-I could not agree more. Girls-GET A LIFE besides trying to find a man anyway-what is wrong with you guys?!…the more hobbies and interests you have-the more interesting your life with be and the more interesting you will be TO OTHER PEOPLE.

    Read books, watch the news, go outside, get girlfriends to have fun with.

    Look pretty, smile a lot and dont zone off even if the guy you are talking to is the most boring man on the planet. Chances are you bore some men too.

    Tell it sister Sally. You are preaching to the damn choir. 🙂

  2. Ayla

    In short, don’t expect to meet a smart, funny, caring, groomed, fit, wealthy, commitment-ready man if you don’t possess each and every one of those qualities yourself. That’s the bottom line. And no…nobody’s perfect, and nobody’s “on” every day. But don’t expect more from a man than you yourself have to offer.

    That said…I do love me some “Project Runway”/pajama time. And I’m a better person for it.

  3. Charlotte

    I find it difficult to believe that the scenario presented in #7 could possibly occur, Sally.

  4. hedonistic

    I’ve said it before. DCB, it is possible your “spinster” friends REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE MARRIED but are afraid to admit it, because to admit an affection or yearing for eternal singlehood sounds too subversive. It’s more fashionable to complain about there being no good men, even while DC is swarming with them.

    Ladies, I say, RELEASE!!!!!! your inner spinster if it brings you pleasure. I’ve been married before, and let me tell you, it ain’t all that. Don’t let any man measure your worth based upon your usefulness to him. Because it’s bullshit.

    That said, after doing some inner accounting you decide you DO want to be married, DCB’s manhunting advice is most excellent. And even if you DON’T want a man, now or ever, it’s still good advice, because at the end of the day you will have HAD A LIFE to recount to your friends while confined to your wheelchair, petting your cat.

    You didn’t forget that part, did you? Where we’re all headed: decrepitude, illness and eventual death. Forget about marriage, whatcha gonna DO on the way to death? Watch TV? GAH!

  5. V

    Great post, Sally. And, you know how I feel about #3–the importance of heels and a good bra cannot be overstated.

    And, I’d add a 4b which is have some (genuine) confidence. Believe that you are in fact fun, attractive and a good lay–don’t be the “PLEASE think I’m pretty” girl, desperate is really unattractive.

    Charlotte : It’s a bitter pill, sister, but I’ve had many friends react that way.

  6. Irina

    >>Somewhere along the line, women got retarded. It?s like a college education and more opportunities in the workplace made us all stupider in the natural laws of attraction.

  7. Irina

    >>Somewhere along the line, women got retarded. It?s like a college education and more opportunities in the workplace made us all stupider in the natural laws of attraction.

    oops. looks like im dumb.

    it’s called feminism. :pissed:

  8. hedonistic

    No, it’s not feminism. Feminism is only the “radical” notion that women are human beings equal to men. Is that really such a stretch? Please!

    Most accusations lobbed at feminists, and feminism in general, just aren’t true. Fact is, the “Equality Game” only works WHEN BOTH SIDES ARE PLAYING FAIR. News flash to the oblivious: They aren’t playing fair! The mating game is still prehistoric, messy and brutal.

    Baby-boomer women who came of age in the 70’s made the mistake of believing just because they OUGHT TO have it all, that they actually COULD. Silly rabbits! The rest of us youn-uns see this for the goddamn lie that it is.

    However, OUR mistake happens when we blame some warped, inaccurate, media-driven definition of “feminism.” If you really do your research instead of taking the media pundits at face value, you’ll find the problem isn’t the feminists at all, but a culture that remains stubbornly, obstinately sexist.

    We have no choice but to continue breathing this bad air, and decide to what extent we wish to comply, fight, or abdicate. There is no right or wrong answer, only choices and consequences! And one of the consequences might be remaining single.

    And I submit to you that this might not be such a bad thing.

  9. V

    Irina: Whoa, there. I think Sally’s point wasn’t that we shouldn’t have those opportunities, it’s that women assume w/ smarts and a good job that’s all that is needed. And, in most cases, they are wrong if their objective is to attract someone to date.

  10. KassyK

    Hedonistic-I dont agree on all points but most definately on a few. I have some amazing, gorgeous, talented, educated friends that could have any man they want but are in dysfunctional, nasty relationships bc we are still taught that marriage is the key to every couple’s happiness. Who the hell wants that?

    I would rather be single till the day I die than be in a shitty ass relationship. That is way more lonely.

  11. Irina

    Just to be clear, my angry face was directed towards feminism, not DCB. Though feminism did do a lot for women, we can’t escape nature. Feminism or not, what women today try to do is imply that certain primordial laws of nature (i.e.: the fact that men are very visual) do not exist. This is retarded.
    And even though women are equal to men, we’re not the SAME as men. Why won’t girls quit trying to act like men?

  12. V

    Irina: What women are you talking to that don’t think men are visual? And, who the hell still says we’re “the same?” No one is the same, especially not an entire gender. Sounds like you aren’t talking to “feminists,” but just uneducated women or off-the-chart radicals.

  13. hedonistic

    Irina is swiping at strawfeminists. You know, the ones we’ve never actually met. I think they live on the planet Vaginastan or something.

  14. Stephen

    I think you’re being a little mean there hedonistic.

    I doubt anyone would argue rationally against the notion of equality. However, I encounter “Feminazis” every so often, and it makes me sick.

    For example, yesterday on the way home, I of course, was holding the door (as I was taught to, being Southern and all). The girl (no older than I, or no younger) looked at me and said “I don’t need you to hold a door open for me”

    I promptly closed the door.

    That happens, about twice a year. There is an attitude that is prevenlant in women who take feminism TOO FAR.

    So just for the record, I have met these “Straw-feminists.”

  15. hedonistic

    Wow, if I could be offended only twice a year by some random male’s sexist comments I’d consider myself pretty privileged. Congratulations!

    DC is an odd place where the habits of the Yankee North and Old South meet. Someone famous, I don’t know whom, once said DC had “all the charm of the North and all the efficiency of the South.” How true it is!

    Just continue to be your decent self and hold doors open for men AND women. It’s the considerate thing to do.

  16. nabeel

    Whoaaa! Lots of pent up frustration! And I thought women were winning the battle of the sexes! 😉

    Seriously though, I have to agree with stephen – I’ve encountered poeple who take feminism too far, and it was just too much that it lacked grace.

    Kassyk – TOTALLY am with you on preferring to be single and living it up than be in a crappy relationship. Its why I’m single now 🙂

  17. Chaco

    Just out of curiosity, who ARE all these single women who can’t meet men? 99% of the reasonably attractive and together girls that I meet have boyfriends. Like I met my girlfriend JUST after she ended a relationship with another man, and she already had another option besides me (but she chose wisely). I feel like the attractive women of the world rarely spend time single unless they make a super strong effort to turn down all the male options they have for a while.

    Now, if you are not attractive or you act psycho or both, then yes, you will have trouble, just as any man in that condition would. Perhaps Sally’s post is for these women?

  18. Irina

    I totally agree with Sally, I’m not trying to argue. I just think there’s a reason for why certain women feel like that. Not ALL women, but many I know do. I’m not like that at all. I’m with Stephen, many of these women DO take it too far, and then get really hostile about the sexism in america.

    Hedonist- let’s refer back to the post, why do YOU think women are having such trouble finding men?
    Or are you implying that we shouldn’t even try? Cause I’m sorry, maybe you’ve had bad experiences, but my parents’ marriage and relationships i see around me are great. I was raised in a traditional russian family, and no one seems to be as miserable as all the americans i hear whining about their relationships. explain that one. No relationship is perfect, and unless you’re a masochist, it is still better than me sitting here single and making up excuses why i should be a bachelorette for life, when all my insticts tell me to do otherwise. I’ve been in bad relationships, but I escaped quickly.
    In other words, I’ll gladly comply.

  19. Ed

    Correction: it?s a cold hard truth, that men couldn’t give a rat’s ass what shoes you’re wearing. As long as you’re not barefoot (unless there’s swimming going on nearby), we don’t give a shit. Probably won’t even notice.

  20. KassyK

    I do agree with Irina in that not all relationships are perfect…nothing in life is perfect….but I do see a lot of women in blah relationships just bc they are terrified of being single.

    I dont want to live out my life as a single woman but I think thats WAY more desirable than being with a shitty guy in a shitty relationship. Thats just painful.

    BUT I also agree with Chaco too…who is having trouble MEETING guys? Guys are everywhere…esp now that it is getting warm out…they all come out of hibernation.

    Irina-go to the waterfront, you are a cute girl, you will get hit on CONSTANTLY. Enjoy 🙂

  21. Eugenius

    MONSTER of a post………needs to be made into a poster and taped on every female’s cubicle, office door, bedroom door, closet door and any other flat visible surface, oh and especially on the main door……….fuck it……wallpaper it on all the walls…….

  22. hedonistic

    Irina, men aren’t hard to find. They’re like mosquitos in July: everywhere the flesh is, looking for a little nibble. So, if you’re interested in being “nibbled,” go there and let nature take its course!

  23. nabeel

    hedonistic … that’s interesting, because I’m always trying to bat away the mosquitos in the summer 😉

  24. Anonymous

    If you want some advice on how to meet guys. Just look at them and smile. It really is that simple. That high-heel, push up bra crap doesn’t really do anything. You have already been asigned a number in the gene pool pecking order and whether you are wearing heels our flip floops it won’t matter.

    If you see a guy you like, allow yourself to get caught checking him out, and that is plenty. If he thinks you are hot and he has a set of balls, he will figure out a way to talk to you.

    Most girls chicken out and don’t put forth enough effort to make their interest known. They try this coy and cool crap. If you want to get laid you gotta swing to hit.

    Only problem is, if you aren’t hot, it will depress you when you put yourself out there and the guy doesn’t respond. Ah the trails of the gene pool.

  25. RCR

    Are you in law school? Who uses the word “codicil” in normal conversation. But props on a good post. And the anonymous comment above this one is spot on – frumpy is bad, but no amount of heels, makeup, and pushup bras is going to make us want you if you don’t have the genes to back it up.

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  27. Anonymous

    just get a cat like the rest of the ‘cool’ womyns in America. you’ll die alone, but at least you’ll look cool doin it. at least, you’ll think you look cool doin it. 😀

  28. Days of Broken Arrows

    The problem is that 90 percent of women all want the 10 percent of men who are alpha males. Now that the new liberal chic is polygamy, this problem will easily be solved when they eventually legalize that (and it’s been going on under different names anyway).

  29. Dr. 90210

    Ladies,

    If the situation is miserable, don’t be afraid to resort to a little plastic surgery. However, be mindful and fix everything that needs fixing; Don’t just get a boob job if the face is still broke.

    AND learn how to cook. My advice to you is to READ (like sally instructed) but you should read cook books and that way you can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

  30. hedonistic

    Ladies and gentlement of the jury: I present to you the good Dr.’s comment above as Exhibit A: Why I Never Remarried.

    I rest my case!

    (Unless, he was joking?)

  31. fanman

    Ah how interesting that a hedonist would ultimately end up unhappy. Socrates is proved right yet again.

  32. Aunt Edina

    Hedonistic, I like the way you think. And that’s the only reason I’m commenting. Most everything else written here is just weird.

    “Don’t be such a bitch…don’t be afraid of plastic surgery…learn to walk in high heels…do all of this shit, but don’t come crying to us if it doesn’t work ’cause, oops! we’ve decided that you’re just butt-ugly and there’s nothing you can do about butt-ugly, but do it all anyway, because at least that way we’ll know that you cared enough to try, you loser, and here’s your consolation cat!”

    It makes me want to wash all the makeup off my face and *go out on the town*, just to piss y’all off.

  33. cathy

    This post and associated comments are a load of misogynistic crap. Have fun in hell, self-hating bitches!

  34. stephen

    The definition of misogynistic must have changed…

    Cause I don’t see how Sally’s wonderful written monologue is in any way “misogynistic”

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