WHY WON’T YOU SCREW TO SAVE YOUR SPECIES?

Slate has recently published an interesting article that asks why pandas and other captive animals don’t breed to save their species. The author presents intelligent points about the problem, but I think it’s best to throw all those out the window and use a common sense analogy.

Pretend you were abducted by aliens and sent to a far away planet. They stick you in an enclosed pen that is actually a suburban home (with fireplace). Soon you are introduced to your pen-mate, a member of the opposite sex who isn’t that bad looking. This is probably going to be the last human you will ever see, and you have a healthy sex drive. You want to shag but dozens of ugly aliens peer through the windows all day, making you feel self-conscious about your body. Now wouldn’t you just get shy and forget about sex completely, living the remainder of your life as an asexual loser? OF COURSE NOT. YOU’D BE BANGING EVERYDAY. ZOO ANIMALS ARE STUPID.

Pandas are almost always mentioned in stories about zoo animals who can’t bang, but never lions. It makes sense if you’ve ever seen the size of a lions’ balls on one of those Discovery Channel programs.

This is more like lovemaking. Either that or the male lion is too small. Look at the dissatisfaction on the face of the lioness… kinda like the face of the last girl you had sex with.

Yeeaaaaahh rough sex. She loves it hard.

7 thoughts on “WHY WON’T YOU SCREW TO SAVE YOUR SPECIES?

  1. jessa j

    i minored in reproductive endocrinology and i can assure you the lack of banging has nothing to do with aliens and everything to do with estrous cycles. however, i agree, zoo animals are really stupid and should fuck more like dolphins that have mastered the art of mating recreationally.

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