I take much offense to Cookie’s recent blog entry. My thoughts in italics.

Wants to hook up with you AND date you:
-He calls you when he says he will (god forbid he surprise you with a phone call)
-He introduces you to, and brings you out with, his friends (so you don’t want his undivided attention?)
-He makes plans with you ahead of time (asks you Monday what you’re doing on Thursday) (who knows what they are doing three days in advance these days?)
-He wants to come with you to a bar, not meet up afterwards (???)
-Your dates involve more than just being at each other’s house (I think a house is more comfortable than some cheesy bar)
-He gives you a toothbrush (he doesn’t want your germs)
-blah blah blah he puts in effort and shows he’s a whipped man

Just wants to hook up with you:
-He only calls when he feels like it, and only returns your phone calls when he’s ‘done hanging out with his friends’ (why would a new girl be more important than a guy’s friends?)
-Communication frequently occurs after last call (I mean, that still shows he is thinking about you)
-He’s selfish in bed (typical female complaint)
-He doesn’t make plans (sorry, men don’t feel it is necessary to plan weeks in advance for a simple date)
-You leave something at his house, and it’s hidden in a drawer the next time you come back (why would I leave feminine products out in the open to girlify my room?)
-He says ‘I just want to go with the flow’ or ‘I don’t like having expectations’ (see below)
-blah blah blah he want to have sex for some odd reason

I disagree that saying I want to go with the flow means I just want to have sex with you. It means… I just want to go with the flow! Women love to over-analyze simple statements. Imagine you are a girl on a first date with a guy, and he says these things:

“I’m going to go against the flow… I liken myself to a clump of hair blocking your shower drain.”
“I have expectations. I expect us to have sex tonight actually.”

I think the list is completely contradictory and wrong. One side shows this sensitive, caring man, who is probably a momma’s boy and is ready to get married, and the other side is a real man who goes after what he wants. It’s sad that in 2005, men are still being persecuted for having robust sexual energy.


  1. Muffin

    The selfish in bed thing is the best. 80% of women just lay there. 15% thing that a 2 minute BJ before the event is sufficient. Meanwhile, I’m doing all the heavy lifting – to a typically enthusiastic response I might add.

    I think when women say “selfish in bed” what they mean is “wants something more in bed that the simple privilege of sticking it in me”.

  2. Aja

    No checklist created by any man or woman will put into perspective his or her desire to want to just fuck or fuck and date or fuck and date and get married. It is too dynamic (people, relationships, chemistry). So, the idea of going with the flow isn’t bad because you realize after some point that whatever will be shall be that at some point his/her idea of exclusivity will surface at the right time. Until then, relax.

    Going back to your earlier post (rational/crazy girl), it certainly applies to both genders but it hits men when they have dated the same girl for sometime and they break-up and finally gets it that he fucked up.

  3. Jake

    I’m writing this under an alias, because I’m generally known as a politically cool and sensitive guy–which, thank you very much, I am–but i have a feeling that this is going to be a hard message for some to hear:

    Hell yes to a lot of your sentiments.

    I’m so ‘effing tired of some of the many, “wave the martyr flag like it’s prada” attitude I see far too often, ESPECIALLY on women blogger’s posts.

    As someone who actually is a very considerate lover, and darn well pays a lot of attention to my partner’s pleasure in bed, let me echo the remark that a shocking number of women are ‘effing lazy as all fuck in bed. Moreover, that laziness isn’t unrelated to the other sentiments…

    If “Sex is something I dole out because I think the boy has gone ahead and earned it and has potential for long term relationship”, then I guess why not call ‘saying yes’ enough.

    God forbid a woman has sex because they also want to; because they find the other person attractive; because they also want to enjoy themselves and enjoy pleasing someone else.

    Here’s a shocker: I can usually figure out if I’m sexually attracted to someone long before I can suss out if I want to get in a long-term, serious relationship with them. And finding out that a woman sees sex more as a favor they’re doing to men, well that’s a big no vote on the serious relationship front.

    I’ve talked to very, VERY few men who have not been interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman because they had sex on a first date. I’ve talked to many who, like me, who have had what seemed like one-night-stands turn into long-term relationships because they discovered great chemistry.

    The whole myth of “we had sex on the first date, so he doesn’t respect me” is mostly just that… a myth. Lots of first dates don’t turn into relationships, sex or not (but I guess it’s more comfortable to blame it on sex and shallow men, versus all the other possibilities). Moreover, if it was about the sex, it’s usually because it was such lackluster sex. Frankly, finding a woman that’s fun and open in bed, who shows as much spontaneous fun and enjoyment as the typical guy, is a (shamefully) difficult thing.

  4. Anonymous

    100% agreement with Jake. Too bad that Jake can’t feel comfortable commenting under his real name. It would be nice if DC women could take a look around (the blogs) and figure out the real thinking of the men they know.


  5. The Senator

    Men are lazy in bed. My boyfriend and I always fight about who gets to have the fun of getting penetrated in the anus. I just dont like doing all the trusting with my hips during sex. Its easier just to lay there and to spread my cheeks.

  6. The Senator

    oops, I forgot the important caveat: unless I do it with DCB. Then I like to be the one doing the drilling. It’s such a pleasure to see him arch his hairy back with excitement…

  7. DC_Cookie

    And I will caveat for ‘Jake’ that one of my best friends got married to a guy she screwed the first day she met him. He’s a gem. It happens, I agree.

    Also, all this talk about women being lazy in bed, sounds to me like you’ve had a string of bad lovers, which is really unfortunate. Hence, why I argue for both sexes (not just for women) to wait until you know you have a strong chemistry with someone who isn’t going to sit back and be selfish (or lazy) in bed. There is a big difference between having sex and having good sex. Good sex typically takes a good emotional connection, which you’re not likely going to find at a bar at 2am.

  8. jessa j

    i dont understand all this non-sense. being relatively fresh out of college, having hjad a satisfying number of partners and one night stands (not to mention getting married in less than a year to someone i fucked for a good month before our first date) i myself have a hard time a) stomaching all this word vomit about what this means and how that could be interpreted… and b) how in the hell an yof you didn;t figure out in college how to deal with members of the opposite sex.

    seriously, in an environment where there are 20,000 single members of the opposite sex all in your age range and menality how is it that none of you figured out how this works? or have you just all forgotten?

    anyone who has to “make a list” of things that mean other things, or put things into categories should take a step back and evalute what it is they are doing wrong themselves, besides being mind numbingly boring on top of anal retentive.

  9. Aja

    Guys with small penis work harder in bed than those with large ones. The Big D guy feels he doesn’t have anything else to do because the women is already impressed and proud of the Big D. Therefore big dick men are lazy in bed. Women who dont’ enjoy sex or who are lazy don’t know themselves well enough to know what good sex is or what it can be. You have to have some connection (with guy) for it to be outstanding sure, but good sex is doing what you know will get your and his rocks off. I hate lazy fucks. I can’t complete my thought here at work, but I have alot to say. Perhaps later.

  10. lance

    more than actually providing a guy’s rationale when he’s contemplating his chances with, plans with, or intimate behavior with a woman, i’d say that what you’ve done is give a pretty exhaustive catalog of the foolproof ways a guy can rationalize his bad behaviour to a girl. I don’t think, for example, that you’re actually too concerned about the germs of someone you just had sex with. But, it’s a good rationalization nonetheless for not giving her a toothbrush (and thus a beach head in your bathroom).

  11. Laura

    Lance, I believe you misinterpreted the toothbrush point. He’s not rationalizing bad behavior, he’s offering an alternate explanation for what may be perceived as “good behavior,” to prove the point that giving a girl a toothbrush doesn’t necessarily mean you want her to bear your children.

    I happen to agree.

  12. sean

    Woman have been rendered useless (except for sex) by the following inventions:
    1. The non-iron shirt
    2. The automatic dishwasher
    3. Frozen food technology/microwave
    4. feminism

    Dating is a waste of time. Just go with the mail-order bride when (if ever) you’re ready.

  13. LaLa

    I’ve been thinking about writing this for the last three posts or so:

    DCB, you HAVE jumped the shark. I’m off to greener blog pastures.

    I’m sure you don’t care, just sayin’.

    Best of luck, DouCheBag! 🙂 (For reals.)

  14. DCB Post author

    Aja: Your analysis is 100% spot on. I wrote a little about that in this post: “Be pornstar big. This really excuses you from lackluster bedroom performance. In fact, you don?t even have to care about satisfying her but they will come back anyway.”

    Lala: wow .. im surprised you continue to show up here aftering getting owned not even a month ago. let me paste the original ownage in case some readers missed it:

    Lala?s ?calendar is booked??

    What the fuck does that mean? For a *Wednesday* 7 pm event that?s announced nearly 2 weeks ahead of time? This isn?t a prime night, like Friday, Saturday, or even Thursday night. This isn?t a prime time, like 10 pm. So what?s the deal?

    Lala is right about one thing ? DCB?s assumption about her is ?way off the mark.? Lala is not a snob, because snobs actually have something to be pompous about.

    Sounds like Lala?s got a major case of the fuglies, and wants to hide behind her monitor, so she doesn?t have the face the music. Come out and play, Lala, if you think you can prove otherwise. All of us look forward to seeing you there, however much we?ll regret it after.

    Oh, I have even had the chance to meet the fine young gentleman who wrote that comment. Good to see some people are willing to back up their words in person.

  15. Muffin

    jessa j:

    Since you’re fresh out of college and getting married early, I’ll write your comments off because:

    1) You don’t know anything yet.
    2) You’re getting married already, which is a huge mistake.

    Come back and post when:

    1) You’re about 4 years older.
    2) You’re divorced.

    See you then!

  16. chicbutnotshady

    Way too much discussion on this. When it works, it works. When it doesn’t, it can be overanalyzed. I actually liked Cookie’s blog and agreed with parts of it. And I agreed with dcb’s perspective at times. I think as I said, when it is right, it just works and it doesn’t matter if rules are followed are not.

  17. Muffin

    Dear RCR,

    Ok, I guess dicussions on the intertron are only relevent if the people involved know each other. Alert the media!

  18. tommy

    Cookie’s rules hold true ONLY IF the women really likes the guy and sees him a longterm commitment material…only then everything changes. If he’s a cute asshole/loser with only hookup potential no relationship potential she couldn’t give a fuck about his friends or where she leaves her tooth brush. She’ll likely dump him in a month or 2 anyway after she get tired of fucking him.

  19. V

    This one is a little tough. I disagree with A LOT of what Cookie writes, but let’s face it, people are assholes.

    She’s a nice girl and living in (my opinion) the worst place to find Mr./Ms. Right does not bode well for the nice people wanting the wine, the dine, the hot STD free sex and the commitment.

    However, I also see DCB’s points. Because he is probably of smelling the stench of commit or else on every nice girl he meets, this type of lists really make him want to ralph.

    And, never the twain shall meet, unless it?s under the covers and hungover on Sunday morning.

    This line, however, was hilarious: “It?s sad that in 2005, men are still being persecuted for having robust sexual energy.” oh shit. that’s good.

    And layoff Jessa, she’s a cool ass bitch.

  20. RCR

    Yes, Muffin, “dicussions” about whether someone knows anything, or whether their marriage is a mistake, are only “relevent” when you ACTUALLY know them. Do you understand that? I tried to use small words for you.

  21. Muffin

    So you can’t judge someone on their posts, eh? You have to, like, get to know them, man. Are you new to the internet?

    That was totally awesome how you bagged on my drunken spelling though. I award you a B+ in web flaming!

  22. RCR

    Yes, in fact, you do have to, like, get to know someone before you can tell them their marriage is a mistake. You’re starting catch on. And you really shouldn’t judge people on their posts – after all, based on your comments and spelling I would have to presume that your mother dropped you on your head, several times, as a baby. But it would be wrong to make that presumption.

  23. ferret

    hate to say it, but i agree with muffin in some regards. point is, jessa j was being ignorant.

    a) she assumes all folks writing/reading this have gone to college
    b) she assumes those that did, went to a college with somewhere in the 20,000 student ball park
    c) she’s commenting on a lifestyle of which she has not experienced.

    timing is everything, just b/c she thinks she had some good luck is no reason to piss on someone else’s thoughts. and also hate to say but statistically speaking, her marriage IS likely to end. 🙂

  24. UR

    I usually lurk around this site and have come to realize that a lot of what’s said is out there for shock value, what’s left has some truth to it from a guy that’s not looking for what everyone is criticizing on. I’m not defending, but I am saying sometimes all of this isn’t so black and white. Guys get stuck in the middle of criticism and persecution when it comes to our interests in women.
    UR-(The new USB)

  25. RCR


    a) gosh, what a wild assumption
    b) 2000 or 20,000 – it’s 4 years to get a clue
    c) how do you know what she has and has not experienced?

  26. RCR

    I’m not familiar with the phrase “neo maxi zoom,” but I’m sure it sounds like a stinging insult in your head. And I don’t have a bowl cut, but thanks for you fanaticism. It’s flattering, really.

  27. Anonymous

    This is one entertaining thread!

    One thing that amuses me about DC. All the DC chicks who are always talking about their amazing smart beautiful girlfriends with great jobs and how they can’t find a guy. Always good for a big laugh with my friends.

  28. kyle foley

    It?s sad that in 2005, men are still being persecuted for having robust sexual energy

    robust sexual energy is just a synonym for selfish gluttony. fornication is like cocaine pleasurable at first, but three times as miserable after the joy fades

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