THE WORST ADVICE IMAGINABLE

I don’t like calling out people but I gotta call out CPMC contributor El Greco. He is an idiot who wins the prize for “Most likely to be the emotional tampon.” Follow his writing if you want to learn how to give your manhood to a woman you barely know.

“But wait, if you read the comments you’ll see that a lot of people agree with him.”

Yeah, females and guys who are still holding out for their soul mate. OF COURSE a girl is going to commend a guy for advocating a gentlemanly approach to dating. OF COURSE she’ll agree when a guy says men should go out of their way to please a woman. But at the end of the night she’s going to be fucking that idiot in the corner who gave her no attention and hit on that blonde bimbo for half the night. El Greco is the chump who works hard for it when his date has given it up so easily in the past.

Let’s take a look at some of the advice he’s written…

On inviting her over: “It takes planning and thought. You aren?t inviting the guys over for poker and cigars. Momentous issues hang in the balance. You?re on stage, pal. This is no time to screw it up. Is that enough pressure?”

I never thought a guy would view a date like planning for a shuttle trip to the moon. You think the girl really cares about what’s in your house? The most action I ever got in my life was when I had a file cabinet as a night stand… A FILE CABINET.

On first impressions: “Women can see dirt that is invisible to men, don?t ask me how, just take my word for it. You don?t want to flunk in the first 60 seconds of the evening.”

What a shame that a grown man feels so insecure in the presence of a woman. Hey buddy, she doesn’t care. Even if she says she does, she’s just talking nonsense and doesn’t know what she really wants.

On playing music for her: “You should have music playing on your stereo?something light and hip?jazz, Jack Johnson, or Sinatra.”

Nothing like Ol’ Blue Eyes to get a girl wet. Is the average CPMC reader 25 or 65?

On table manners: “No elbows on the table. No picking at your teeth. Etc. If you are not up to snuff with table manners, either learn them real quick or better yet, send your lovely dinner guest over to my place.”

The girl I’m trying to get drunk across my dining room table does not care if I put my elbow on the table. Sure I got flaws, but I’ll let a woman tell me to fix my table manners when she works on her issues first. For instance, I don’t really like it when you give me fungal rashes.

On getting a drink: “When the bartender serves your drinks, hand the lady her drink if it is close to you. Look her in the eyes and clink your glass to hers. Say ?Cheers,? or ?Great to see you again.? If she is wearing something fashionable, her hair looks great, or she has some cool shoes, then compliment her.”

What lame advice. Did you get that from an old James Bond movie?

On getting her another drink: “Notice when her glass is getting low before it is empty. Say nothing, but casually gesture to the bartender, lightly touching the side of her glass.”

Then watch the happy look on her face when she calculates how many more free drinks she will get out of you.

On checking out other girls: “There are often other women in the bar. Some of them are looking pretty good. Whatever you do, don?t get caught checking out other babes. Fight the urge to look. If you have to look, be ultra discreet. This has been many a guy?s downfall.”

You impress no one by fighting the urge. In fact, you appear whipped and weak, ready to shutdown your horny instinct because one girl agreed to go out on a date with you. If there is a beautiful woman in front of me you better believe I’m going to look, no matter who I’m with. And I expect women to do the same (cause they do).

On conversation: “You have two ears and one mouth?so listen twice as much as you speak.”

Generic advice you find in any self-help book.

If you do the opposite of what this “lady’s man” says, you will get more women then you can possibly handle. Maybe one day he will realize that all the bullshit he learned from the movies and his mother isn’t what women really care about, and that he is overcompensating because he believes a woman won’t like him for who he really is. Who would have thought that the lame “be yourself” advice I’ve been hearing all my life is actually the way.

CPMC members: don’t let this “gentleman” bring your page down any further. He’s awful.

74 thoughts on “THE WORST ADVICE IMAGINABLE

  1. Johnny5

    Bravo. Any woman worth your time will be focusing on your personality, not superficial shit like this.

  2. Marc

    His advice would work if he’s dating a high maintenance, selfish strumpet. Though he probably won’t see his condom stockpile decreasing with these methods.

  3. Anonymous

    Never before has DCBs lack of experience with mature women been so vociferiously portrayed.
    Even common table manners are beyond his understanding.

  4. The Senator

    “Is the average CPMC reader 25 or 65?”

    Funny you should ask.

    We happen to have both. The CPMC has something for everyone…and trust me when I say no one is hurting for dates.

    But this post is an interesting read. You have to figure there will be some sort of response, right.

    Yin to your yang,
    The Senator

  5. Lil DC Diva

    Of course I had to comment on this, DCB. Once again, I disagree with everything you said against El Greco – his dating tactics might not be for all, but they certainly work – and I believe his advice portrays that of a gentleman with class and respect for women. Once again, in your case, that doesn’t matter because I don’t believe you are looking for a commitment, so keep finding those drunk skunks at last call and you’re a gauranteed in!

  6. LaLa

    “The most action I ever got in my life was when I had a file cabinet as a night stand? A FILE CABINET.”

    DCB, sometimes you’re a douche, but this line really made me chuckle!

  7. James

    I was cringing when I read that advice.

    And what’s with the catty bitches talking about “drunk skanks” and whatnot? Some girls like to have fun. Guys who have sex with lots of girls are considered gods. Girls who do are sluts.

    That just shows you how girls are still controlled by societal standards instead of being independent thinkers. Slaves to the man…

  8. Marc

    I think we’re all making fairly generalized statements here too.

    Different tools for different jobs so to speak.

  9. sara

    “If you do the opposite of what this ?lady?s man? says, you will get more women then you can possibly handle.”

    DCB, I think a key factor here is that there’s a difference between being attentive to a girl who you respect and feel something real for and a girl you’re just trying to lay.

    Just trying to get laid? Then do the opposite of what El Greco says and you’ll be able to steer clear of the “good” girls and find girls who just want sex as well. Care about someone? Make an effort for them and you’ll see one in return and could, possibly, end up with someone meaningful.

  10. The Party Girl

    DCB – I’m with you on this. While I think it’s great that the CPMC wants to extoll the virtues of chivalry on mankind, their dating advice is generic and lame. Scratch that… it sucks.

    If he pulled that shit on me, I’d either laugh at him or run home and mock his ill attempts at romance to the Urban Family.

    These guys seem to operate under the misaprehension that all women want the same thing. And I find it offensive.

  11. sara

    Oh, and James… catty bitches? Lil’s not catty. She’s just stating the obvious.

    You said girls who do (have a lot of sex with people) are sluts. Sluts… Drunk Skanks… Often times the very same thing.

  12. CatCiao

    I am down with El Greco…I can relate to his social awkwardness and aging ways, and if we were all cool wouldn’t DCB be passe’?

  13. Lil DC Diva

    James – I said drunk SKUNK. Not skank. It wasn’t a typo.

    “Some girls like to have fun.”

    And guys do too. I don’t know what you do for fun, but hooking up with a random person you just met at a bar and risking the chance of and STD IS NOT my idea of a good time.

    I’m not controlled by “societal standards.” I’m controlled by my values, morals, and good health. Pure common sense if you ask me.

  14. The Pretty Girl

    Funny stuff…did CPMC not read my entry on the DC Urban Family? Yeah, I don’t want to be treated shit, but who wants to be romanced by someone who looks like they’re trying too hard?

  15. Dating Hell Diarist

    El Greco’s advice was spot on. A quality girl will appreciate nothing so much as the thoughtfulness that goes into making a home-cooked meal for her in a cozy, hygienic environment.

    Going out of your way to impress a girl will definitely involve a certain emotional risk on your part – but you’re only cheating yourself if you play it too safe and stick to the easy stuff in life.

  16. Anonymous

    I dont doubt the charm of the CPMC Members, however, I think their charm may be misplaced outside of their martini set of ladies. We all know these women, the ones who still think Kate Spade bags are cool…the ones who think the ultimate social stamp of approval comes from the membership board at City Tavern Club…the ones who rate a “gentleman’s” personality by whether or not he had a private tent at Gold Cup or not…the ones who still go to Smith Point…the ones who care about how much Pottery Barn furniture their prospective’s have. Ahhh, the stench of generic aspirations spreads far and wide through the streets of NW Washington, and I think that stench originates in the shallowed halls of CPMC headquarters. Dont get me wrong, manners and good taste are paramount…but “chivalry”? Nay. Smells like desparation to me…not desparation to get dates or sex, desparation to be accepted as another generic rung on DC’s vapid social ladder.

  17. Anonymous

    “A quality girl will appreciate nothing so much as the thoughtfulness…”

    Note the first 3 words. This is sums it up as to plans and proceedures.

    From my experiences a “party girl” can be described well with the derrogatory names used further up and any of the societal fineries are a waste of time, effort and money and those types.

  18. The Senator

    “These guys seem to operate under the misaprehension that all women want the same thing. And I find it offensive.”

    HUH?

    I’d say we operate under the assumption that men want the same thing.

  19. The Party Girl

    You may work under the assumption that men want the same thing. But pretending that these “best of practices” will help men find what they want is ridiculous. Your assertion that these practices will help men find what they want operates under the false logic that all women will be impressed by lighting candles and playing Sinatra.

    It doesn’t work that way.

  20. The Pretty Girl

    This is getting ridiculous. First off – no one person should be able to be summed up in on word, whether that’s “party girl,” “pretty girl” or “quality girl.” The same goes for guys.

    And if you can be summed up that way, then you are uncomplicated and boring.

    The bottom line is that a girl can be a party girl, like to have fun, fool around when she chooses to and then make the decision to settle down when she’s found the right person. Having a good time does not mean you are a slut or do not want a man to be respectful nor does it mean if you are a self described quality girl that you are a stick in the mudd.

    Life is too complex to be either/or…

    Which is why CPMC’s call on how to woo a girl is not going to work for every girl. Not all of us want to listen to Sinatra and I’m certainly not going to throw you over because you put your elbows on the table.

    But I will throw you over if the way you look at life is by summing people up with simple, inspid adjectives.

  21. mass

    Some people need to reread el greco’s post. He was talking about a formal date, you know where you invite someone over with advance planning. He wasn’t talking about the skank you felt up in the bathroom line and then lured to your home with the promise of seeing your signed poster of Led Zeppelin. That skank isn’t likely to be sober enough to differentiate the sink from the toilet and candles would most assuredly mean setting the bed on fire.

    That being said, not everyone’s the same, so Sinatra may not work. If you’re trolling for high school kids you may need to dust off the Backstreet Boys.

  22. Underused

    “For instance, I don?t really like it when you give me fungal rashes.”

    If the girls that you are dating – or I guess – hooking up with are giving you rashes, it might be time to go for the “quality” girls (and by the insipid adjective “quality” I mean STD-free). That said, I kind of agree about the honesty thing: don’t pretend you’re a gentleman if you’re a slob, and don’t play hard to get if you’re a slut.

  23. Eric

    I think Mass has a good point – Greco’s advice is for more of a formal date, after you’ve already done the coffee thing or whatever. I agree with dcb in that your attitude will trump whatever motions you’ve gone through to try to impress your lady friend.

    I think what El Greco has wrong is his intentions. If he’s trying to enter into a serious relationship with this girl, then yeah, you probably care about her and want to make her happy. He’s most likely trying to get laid, though, and so doing these things to try to mask that is intellectually dishonest – to both the girl and himself.

  24. el Greco

    Oh dear. All this vituperation going on. And DC Bachelor is rather quick to tear down my approach and doesn’t seem to have much to offer himself. Let’s make this interesting, folks. DCB, if you think my way of having a woman over for dinner is so god awful wrong you are hereby invited to submit an article on how you would do it. It’s easy to talk trash to some guy way off in California (who doesn’t really give a rat’s ass what you little sniveling weenies think anyway), but why don’t you put your money where your mouth is? Take a crack at it. Tell me how you would entertain a woman at your home, instead of taking pathetic potshots at my approach. DCB, I’m throwing down the gauntlet, challenging you to a duel as it were.

  25. Muffin

    Talk about apples and oranges.

    el Greco, I’m guessing, is in his mid-thirties. The kind of women he’s dating want to tour wineries, have early afternoon picnics where they eat stinky cheese, and probably have no person issues with riding around in a convertible Prowler.

    DCB on the other hand, has stated he just turned 26 (I’m 28). He’s more into the short skirt, flecks of coke still on her nose, high-energy pleasantly-slutty adorable-barfly set. Shit I think I got a boner just typing that.

  26. el Greco

    Thanks for the (I assume) compliment about my age. But you’re way off.

    Here’s the bottom line. I put up what I considered some good points on entertaining a woman. DC Bachelor thinks I’m an idiot. Wonderful, he’s entitled to his opinion and if he feels fulfilled by attacking me, that’s fine by me. I am curious about how he would go about making dinner for a woman (or even if he would) and that is why I tossed out that challenge above.

  27. DCB Post author

    I’ll post my thoughts/beliefs on women and dating, but what do I have to gain by posting detail about my game? In a web page that is local no less. I don’t need internet geeks to validate my dating life.

    Anon: not only can i take criticism, but i’m not a coward who hides behind an IP address

  28. kanan

    el Greco,
    Whats interesting in your post is the constant supplication & being anything but yourself !!

    For Eg: “Whatever you do, don?t get caught checking out other babes. Fight the urge to look. If you have to look, be ultra discreet. This has been many a guy?s downfall.”

    This is never a guys downfall. The downfall comes when he apologizes …kisses ass when she throws a fit over it or shit tests him for looking.

  29. el Greco

    DC, you don’t need to post a damn thing about your dating life (I didn’t think you had anything of value to say anyway, but I at least wanted to open up a real debate). But I’m sorry that you apparently have to get your pleasure out of trashing mine.

  30. Anonymous

    No, you’re not a coward who hides behind an IP address. You’re a coward who hides behind his ability to ban IP addresses.

  31. jessa j

    I agree with DCB.

    Any man who took himself seriously enough to have to plan out when’s the right time to look into my eyes is a limpdick douche. If this ever occured in my presence I would laugh directly in his face as he said “cheers” and then I would proceed to call him out on his undeniable fakeness. (Of course I would be totally sarcastic about it and he would find me even more irresistible than before)

    P.S. ALWAYS check out other girls at bars, people watching is a fun activity you should share, I point out hot babes to my dates all the time, and not in a jealous or snide way, hot babes are meant to be looked upon.

    And you better believe that I am putting my elbows on the table by the way.

  32. luckyspinster

    I think the best approach is for a guy to be authentic and relaxed, and perhaps not as calculating as El Greco (god bless him for trying, though). And yet, one would hope that a man’s authentic self would be instinctively kind and well-mannered, and perhaps not as crass as DCB (god bless you for your candor, though).

    If you’re just talking about getting laid, I have friends of both genders who agree the most successful pick-up line has been, “Wanna f*ck?” Either you do or you don’t. No time wasted.

    Whether you’re seeking a relationship or some no-strings horizontal refreshments, the bottom line is, if a girl isn’t into you, no display of manners, no matter how grand, will melt that iceberg. But if she IS into you, doesn’t she deserve to be treated nicely?

  33. jessa j

    theres a difference in being sincerly treated nicely and being a pawn in a game. i hate fake men and their idiot hair and thier idiot clean bathrooms. i hate men who think they are slick. i hate men who categorize women between quality and sluts. whats wrong with having a wife who fucks like a porn star?

  34. Marc

    Looking at El Greco’s site, I’d imagine chicks his age like to see some stability and cleanliness etc;

    It’s easy for us younger guys to say, “If you don’t like it, move on. I’ll be humping your best friend by weeks end”.

    But in El Greco’s place (and this isn’t meant to offend) older women are generally past the random humping stage.

    I think there is something to be said about creating a sophisticated atmosphere, depending on the woman.

    Also, I agree that you shouldn’t go out of the way to hide your true self, if you’re not a super clean freak, don’t be a super clean freak when you have someone over, because if things go in a permanent direction, like DCB said, if you put up a fake persona, 6 months down the road she’ll be wondering where the guy she met is.

    Again to generalize, young girls (for the most part in my experience, your mileage may vary) want someone who is fun to be around and loves to bang.

    Older women look for stability and that extra mile every time.

    My advice, go for the younger chicks El Greco. You don’t need to make them dinner when it’s an all you can eat sausage buffet.

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