After months of research, I believe I can say with certainty that I found the worst bar in DC last Saturday night.
Ready for it? Ready? Ready?
I know!!! Why would I go there, you ask? It wasn’t my idea. One of my friends always has the worst bar suggestions, and after having several drinks, she decided that she wanted to go to Coyote Ugly. Since we’ve vetoed her so many times in the past, my friends and I indulged her and off we went.
Circle #1: $5 cover. Although, the money-collector is a troglodyte, so just distract him and you’ll totally get to keep your $20 because he can’t make change while talking.
Circle #2: Coyote Ugly, I learned is eponymously named, because there is not one single attractive person in the ENTIRE THREE STORY BAR. Except the petite Asian bartender, who is totally adorable.
Circle #3: Bachelorettes. Two parties of them. Not wild-n-crazy bachelorettes doing body shots or wet tee shirt contests. Bachelorettes – in denim capri pants. On a Saturday night. At a bar.
Circle #4: The third story, which features the “dance floor”, also features couples “dancing” in some kind of sexualesque position even I could not identify. Not a lot of couples… like, four. Most unappealing pseudo-orgy I ever saw.
Circle #5: There’s a Haitian bathroom attendant (by the way, doesn’t the southern part of Haiti look like a penis in that map? how apropo!) in the bathroom. The rest of the bar is a total dump, but nothing says class like Caribbean immigrants giving you paper towels and a pack of Wrigley’s for a dollar.
Circle #6: Some dude gave me a rose wrapped in plastic. I thanked him politely, he walked off, and then returned half an hour later for my number. So I gave him my phone number…my home line…that is plugged into the back of my TiVo.
Circle #7: Did I mention there are no attractive people there? Not even the girls dancing lamely on the bar.
Circle #8: Look, it just sucks. Do not go there. Ever. It makes Local 16 look like a marquee establishment.
There is only one redeeming quality to this bar: adorable Asian bartender knows how to pour a Long Island Ice Tea (I needed two just to make it through the night), and they’re only $9, which I felt was a fair price to forget where in Hell I was.
Addendum: Holy Shit, it gets better. I left early, so I didn’t know this, but one of my friends was kicked out of the bar for pissing in an “employees only” stairwell. But when he was peeing, one of the bartenders started going up the stairs, and he turned and sprayed her with urine. So he was kicked out, and several bouncers followed him (my friend, by the way, is shorter than I am, so about 5-foot-6) and one of them pushed him over a construction sign, and then my girl friend stood in their way, and a bouncer threatened to hit her instead, and they wound up getting in a cab before anyone got punched in the nose. OH MY GOD THE WORST BAR EVER