First off I’d like to thank the person who sent this in. You have really done the women of DC a great service. Secondly I would like to thank God for bestowing me with material and humor that writes itself. For one day I don’t have to come up with something original.
Some of you new kids don’t know who the Senator is. Him and his crew of flunkies ran a blog titled “Cleveland Park Mens Club.” It celebrated “manliness,” “gentlemanly honor,” and “male friendship”. It featured stories about steak dinners and photos of the Senator and his girlfriend, The Florist. Consequently, the blog became a very efficient training ground for DC blog trolls. I strongly recommend you read the CPMC Wiki, which was created as a chronological monument to the idiocy of the CPMC. In it you will learn how the Senator did some not-so-smooth trolling of his own. The drama got so absurdly big that two CPMC bashing posts here got over 160 comments total (High Tide, Mission Accomplished).
Here is the Senator’s match.com profile. If you don’t have an account, try to login with thesenator3/owned. Allow me to offer possible translations:
He says: “Body type: Athletic and toned”
What he really means: :fat:
He says: “I hate describing myself. It feels weird. So, I’ll tell you what my good friends say: They would describe me as driven, ambitious, outgoing, energetic, and fun to be around. Maybe a bit senatorial, but jovial and always honest. Never do I put someone down, rarely am I negative, and always am I up for some fun.”
What he really means: “I hate describing myself because it brings me down. So, I’ll tell you what my internet trolls say: They would describe me an a haughty-taughty attention whore who pretends to be big in politics. I call myself the Senator because my mother would always tell me as a kid that I have to fake it until I can make it. I used to put people down on the internet quite regularly, or at least try, but I was owned so many times that I had to shut down my boys club website because of the constant humiliation.”
He says: “Wit and personality is extremely important–a girl has to be able to take a joke and keep up. No double standards! If you can dish it out, be able to take it.”
What he really means: “Wit and personality is extremely important to me because I have so little of it. I need you to pick up the slack. Back when I had my blog, I ran out of ideas pretty damn quick and posted a bunch of sports filler that wasn’t well received except by one man who goes by the handle CatCiao. I hope you can take some verbal abuse because I can not. I cried lawsuit when people wrote things that hurt my feelings, using information I gleaned from Google searches. I quit when the heat gets too hot.”
He says: “I’m a lawyer who doesn’t like law firms, so I work with non-profits.”
What he really means: “I’m not utilizing my law degree to its full monetary potential.”
I feel sorry that the Senator is having such a hard time meeting women that he has to go on match.com. It wasn’t long ago that he would wax poetic about his beautiful, perfect girlfriend. Example:
And, then I was witness to one of the classiest things I had ever seen. Upon taking our seats, I was not pleased with our placement. For what was paid, I expected better. She deserved better. In a feigned attempt to “buy binoculars,” [The Florist] quickly made friends with the elderly ushers, and told them of our “anniversary.” Her beauty and kindness was well received. They quickly escorted us to our new orchestra seats. Incredible. She charmed them, and in the process nearly floored me.
I wonder if he was again floored when she dumped him. Toodaloo!
Postscript: The Senator retaliates…