Category: The Gym


At the gym the other day there was a guy next to me, maybe around 25, who was lifting his shirt in the aerobic area to check out his body in the mirror, unable to wait until he got home. He had a six-pack and maybe 5% body fat.

How often do guys with six-packs actually get to show it off? There are maybe three months each year that is suitable for going to the beach or pool. Even if you go at least once every week, that’s only twelve times. Since getting a six-pack is pretty damn hard unless you have the genetics (two words: black men), why put in all that effort?

“‘Cause ladies love it.”

The only time she is seeing the product of your countless hours of working out and diet monitoring are in the bedroom, with the lights off, after she already decided to sleep with you. Better time would be spent reading something like a history book — maybe then you can have more things to talk about besides your project management job.

And then there are the ‘roid monsters who look like they were created in a laboratory. Other than at the gym, when do they actually use those muscles? They can lift a car for two seconds but can’t run a mile without having a heart attack. The only two thoughts going through their brain are if they look good and when their next protein feeding is. The bigger the muscles a man has, the lower his self-esteem. “Oh no I plateaued, these supplements aren’t working!”

Maybe I’m bitter because my hairy coat doesn’t show off my muscles like the Abercrombie models. Or maybe I take a practical approach with a goal of health instead of cosmetic excess. Eating right and working out is the best investment you can make: take care of yourself now to have less have problems later. But if you are stepping in to the gym to try to impress people, or if your life resolves around the gym culture of exaggerated grunting noises and ThermoSpeed energy drinks, you need to work on few other things first — in your head, not on your body.


Dear fatties at the gym,

The other day I went for a normal workout and saw a bunch of you at the gym… sweating, grunting, interrupting your workout to talk on the phone. I’ve never seen you before so I’m guessing you made losing weight a New Year’s resolution. Here’s a little 2006 prediction: you will fail. In a matter of weeks (if not days), you will start whining to your fat friends about how you are cursed with a bad metabolism, and how you can’t go to the gym because you don’t have enough time to take off from your busy schedule of watching TV and eating fast-food. “But burgers and fries are so tasty! I love when the fries come fresh out the grease!” You are fat because food owns you. Now please, step aside and stop hogging the incline bench press… you are diluting the value of my gym membership.


(9% body fat)


I was working out at the gym last week when I noticed two Latin girls taking several 45-pound plates to the incline leg press machine next to me. While these two may be female, genetically, they look like men with breasts. They usually hang out with guys who go to the gym twice a day and wake up at 3am for their chicken breast protein feeding. I got a chance to witness these girls do leg presses with eighteen plates… a total of 810 pounds! Fascinated, I had to say something,

“That’s all you guys can do?”

I was expecting a laugh at best, a pummeling at worst.

The one who looks like Dolph Lundgren replied, “Well actually I can do up to 30 plates.” :whoa:

A reenactment:

And in case you are wondering whatever happened to Ivan “I Will Break You” Drago, you’ll be happy to know that he recently directed and starred in a movie with Jerry Springer as his co-star.


The men’s showers at my gym are set up communally so that everyone is visible. Most men like myself shower nude, but every now and then you have a guy showering in a towel or swim trunks. There is one guy there who is pretty weird; he showers with his swim trunks AND two large towels. I figure he doesn’t want to shower like normal guys because he’s small or has only one testicle.

Recently I was in the shower rinsing my back (facing outward) when I see the guy, but this time he was completely naked. I’m a curious person so I had to sneak a peek. Well, turns out this guy is ENORMOUS. It was like looking at a baby’s arm. I immediately turn away but the damage was already done. I walked out the gym that day much gayer than when I walked in. :shudder:

Here is a re-enactment of peek.

My body’s musculature was accurately drawn to scale.


Last week at the gym a personal trainer and her rotund client started working out near me. The woman was about 50 pounds overweight, but at least she’s at the gym trying to work it out, right? I mean it’s not like she’s eating a bucket of fries.

Anyway, I couldn’t help but overhear the woman in conversation with her trainer. She said, “I hate to tell you this… but I’m very high maintenance.” A rather big woman saying she’s high maintenance is like a black man saying he likes small, flat asses. It just doesn’t make any sense.


I always see this short, old Asian guy at the gym working out with his meathead friends. They are the ones who always wear back belts and tank tops full of holes that are three sizes too small. I don’t like them because they hang in big groups and hog pieces of equipment for 20 minutes at a time.

The other day I beat them to the pull-up bar to squeeze in around 20 reps spread out in 3 sets. I was on my third set really huffing and puffing, when suddenly the Asian guy jumped up and got behind me. I thought he was going to try to rape me so I instinctively squeezed my ass cheeks together, but turns out he just wanted to spot me. “COME ON YOU CAN DO IT!” he said. “COME ON MAN PUSH THAT SHIT… PUSH IT!!!”


The scene: strong muscle man yelling aggressively while slender white boy struggles and makes facial expressions that look painful. I was pretty quiet for the rest of the day.


Transcript from meeting between some guys in the 90’s:

Guy 1: “Man my muscles are huge.”
Guy 2: “Yeah me too.”
Guy 1: “I wish these gym shirts were tighter so I could show off my body more.”
Guy 2: “Why don’t we make our own gym shirts.”
Guy 1: “No stupid. The market is already crowded… ever heard of Nike?”
Guy 2: “Let’s make it out of cheap polyester, call it high performance apparel, and charge ridiculous amounts of money for it!”

Under Armour remains dedicated to new technology and is determined to enhance the performance of every athlete on every level. Lighter. Faster. Longer. Better. The advantage is undeniable.

Undeniable? Who buys that marketing? Apparently every other meathead at the gym.

I think the reason they are doing so well is because of one reason: vanity. If you’ve ever worn a tight wife-beater you know how it makes you feel bigger. UA gear is extremely tight, giving meatheads a great reason to show off their body. Plus it’s become some sort of fashion statement since you need to save your allowance for a full three weeks before you can buy it.

Some random guy named Ober shares my thoughts:

I’ve heard the stuff is comfortable but my god, are we that sissy-fied that we need comfortable clothing when we are pushing ourselves to the point of puking? The other reason for a $50 shirt among the metro sexual crowd is that it wicks away sweat. This may be fine if you are a cyclist and are out in cold weather. But in the weight room? When did we all turn into fruit cakes? Want to know how much the shirt I wear costs? $15; and when I sweat like a whore in church, it gets all over me. However, as I’m a man’s man and unafraid of sweat, it doesn’t bother me…therefore making it unnecessary to purchase a $50 shirt.

The irony is that UA was started by a fellow Terp a year before I started going there. Maybe the gear would help Maryland basketball beat a team other than Duke.