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THE SEVEN TYPES OF STARBUCKS BARISTAS

Most Starbucks baristas seem to fit a universal pattern. Aged between eighteen to twenty-six, they can be placed in one of the following seven categories:

1. The A/V Geek. These barista’s were in the control room during all their high school plays because they didn’t like the spotlight — and even if they did, the spotlight wouldn’t have liked like them. Their fake-nice customer service is less believable than the last stripper who told me she liked me for my personality. You can see hate in their eyes as they make your double foam latte – against you, the world, and themselves.

2. The Club Kid. This guy thinks working at Starbucks doesn’t bring his cool factor down a notch — in fact he thinks being a barista is so counterculture that he brags about it to the girls he meets. He often brings in his annoying friends and hooks them up with femininely colored frappuccino (they get kicked out of the mall so often that there is nowhere else for them to really go). Because The Club Kid is vain, you often see him in actual club gear, with hair gel’d back and seashell bracelet clacking away as he extra hot’s your drink.

3. The Homely Woman. She is cheery, nice and generally welcomes human interaction. Unfortunately, the homely woman is very unattractive, doomed to nightly “Tired of all the games” postings on Craigslist personals.

4. The Hipster. For a guy that hates corporation, it sure is ironic to see him working for the one company that has played the only major role in the McDonaldsification of coffee. You’ll often here him say, “I work there for the health benefits,” like he’s doing Starbucks a favor. Unless you go to poetry readings and art showings, you are not on his green apron wearing level. The hipster can also be a girl, who thinks her blue hair fights social conformity. She’s too slow to realize that responding to culture in any way is still conformity.

5. The Transient. Usually male, short, and overflowing with awkward facial hair, this guy is anti-social and doesn’t fit into the Starbucks model of friendliness. He often leaves within 3 months, never to be seen again. No one notices – not even his friends.

6. The Loser Dick. Failing miserably on the comedy circuit, this barista thinks you want to hear his unfunny, cocky statements. Dude, you work at Starbucks, just ring up my seven layer bar and shut up. He uses Starbucks customers as an audience for when he will make it someday, replacing the stuffed animal audience at home when he goes through another round of being an actor (i.e. unemployment).

7. The Hot Girl. Chances are you will see a three-legged dog before you catch a hot girl barista, but she does make seldom appearances. She drives up sales and tips of a particular location due to lonely guys who use Starbucks as their only social outlet, but she never dates a customer because she can not respect a guy who spends $4 a day on coffee. Instead she goes out with the studly jock who picks her up after work in his jeep, equipped with extra big wheels for cul-de-sac offroading.

This list covers 95% of coffee addicted baristas, whose palpating hearts beg for mercy every day.

 
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34 Comments »
Liz
8 years, 9 months ago

After reading this post I have come to the conclusion that you may be spending too much time in Starbuck’s. Whatever happened to brewing a pot at home? Fuck expensive coffee.

:D

natty_g
8 years, 9 months ago

Excellent.

Liz
8 years, 9 months ago

Oh, you also forgot pothead. The reason I know this is because some of my pothead/dealer friends have worked there and do work there. Another friend of mine started as a barista and he’s moving to the corporate side of things in a year or two.

8 years, 9 months ago

Liz, he tells himself he’s moving to the corporate side of things to console himself of the fact he pimps coffee to people who make more money than him.

In a year or two, I doubt he’ll be working for *$ at all.

8 years, 9 months ago

“My” Starbucks has one type you don’t cover, which I feel is greater than the 5% remainder you mention:

The Happy Hispanic: There are two lovely gentlemen who remember my name, remember my order, start my drink when I walk in the door, and love to tell me how beautiful I am. And charge me like half price.

Liz
8 years, 9 months ago

Marc, you are wrong. He is moving to corporate.

If you don’t know, don’t speak.

Marc
8 years, 9 months ago

Snap!

So what’s the delay? Why can’t he move to corporate now?

Let me guess, you don’t know.

Shhh, don’t speak.

MAD1
8 years, 9 months ago

“she goes out with the studly jock who picks her up after work in his jeep, equipped with extra big wheels for cul-de-sac offroading.”

I like that one DCB oh so true Cul-de -sac offroading what is it with some many wannabe jocks with doorless jeeps. Please you never see the off-road just the burbs

8 years, 9 months ago

I agree, the spanglish & africanglish speaking guy who charges 1/2 price and free pastries if you smile and speak something other than your order accounts for at least 3%in Arlington.

8 years, 9 months ago

I dated a Hot Girl for a while; I’m not a jock dude picking her up in a Jeep. More like a half-hipster picking her up in a Jeep. Whatevs.

Muffin
8 years, 9 months ago

“3. The Homely Woman. She is cheery, nice and generally welcomes human interaction. Unfortunately, the homely woman is very unattractive, doomed to nightly ‘Tired of all the games’ postings on Craigslist personals.”

Your best bit so far. So accurate it hurts.

Liz
8 years, 9 months ago

The delay, Marc, is that he is finishing up his degree. That is the only thing holding him back now.

Smartass.

Anonymous
8 years, 9 months ago

Fucking hell, apostrophe is for possessive for fuck’s sake.

That Barista’s what?

Starbuck’s what? Colonial viper? Bunk next to Apollo?

BTW, I love this blog, but this entry I give a C+, even including grammar forgiveness.

Liz
8 years, 9 months ago

Uh oh, everyone hide, it’s the grammar nazi!

8 years, 9 months ago

I give anonymous commenting a D-

8 years, 9 months ago

learn something new every day

http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/

8 years, 9 months ago

This post was the hotness.

You deserve a prize for “McDonaldsification” and the profile of “The Homely Woman.”

I don’t go to starbucks but are they allowed to wear pins?

One time I saw a waitress who wore an inequality pin that proclaimed: “I WANT MY 67 Cents!”

I was touched by the statement and added an extra 67 cents onto her tip (actually, I didn’t know about the disparity in boy/girl wages so I thought it was ‘ADD 67C’ day or something like that).

I’m just sayin’ …

8 years, 9 months ago

I’m applying for a Barrista job, actually. I know, it makes me hate me, too. But I needs the summer cash and as a vegetarian deli worker, I don’t have that much respect for myself either.
I’m trying to figure which category I am.
Maybe some sort of twisted blend between 3 and 4. Except I never hit Craig’s list and I don’t give a shit about Starbuck’s being corporate.
Oh, the dilemma.

Windy
8 years, 9 months ago

Hey, you were quoted from this article in the Express today! Congrats!

8 years, 9 months ago

I was thinking about applying to be a Barista as a second job. But then I thought of two things: I’m lazy about making coffee for myself, and what if someone saw me working there….oh yeah, I find dating in the tertiary sector difficult…..strange hours.

8 years, 9 months ago

[...] ighly effective stereotypes
Posted by Brian under Photos 

From DC Bachelor comes The 7 Types of Starbucks Baristas. I was just commenting to a co-worker that I felt l [...]

sherwin
8 years, 9 months ago

5. The Transient. Usually male, short, and overflowing with awkward facial hair, this guy is anti-social and doesn?t fit into the Starbucks model of friendliness. He often leaves within 3 months, never to be seen again. No one notices – not even his friends.

This inspires me to live a nomadic transient mysterious life.

8 years, 9 months ago

As long as we’re talking about this, I want to mention that I dislike the word “barista.” To me, that was invented to make coffee servers feel better about themselves. It’s like workers at Subway being called “Sandwich Artists.” You’re not a fucking artist, you serve subs to people who likely wouldn’t talk to you if you weren’t making their food.

Miss Penny Lane
8 years, 9 months ago

Congrats on the Blog Log mention!!

Tazo Chai lover
8 years, 5 months ago

The Captain is so right about this; come on, “sandwich artist?” What’s next, “Twisty crust specialist…”

mike hunt
7 years, 2 months ago

Dont forget the flagrantly gay guys with serious lisps.”welcome to sssstarbucks,what can i get ssssstarted for you?”

7 years ago

[...] barista is actually a manager, and I’ve seen her give attitude to others and reprimand her [...]

jahja
6 years, 4 months ago

hahahha … u can relate to #7 … ahahaha …

Daria
6 years, 2 months ago

Wow. How lame.

6 years ago

the fact remains that other types are born just as fast as the starbucks go up, 4-6 stores stores every day?

I’d like to point out the “Orange County Bro”

he likes to play xbox and tries to steal your credit card long enough to memorize the numbers while you aren’t looking. he uses it to pay for the 6 cans of double-shot to play halo.

unfortunately there is no girl version of this, because she works at gamestop.

she is boyfriend/girlfriend with this OC bro.

Butterface Barista
5 years, 10 months ago

How about this for something that makes little to no sense –

The sparkling personality and general homely appearance of a #3, yet with the generous customer following of a #7.

I nearly make more in tips than I do in actual pay…

Spike
5 years, 4 months ago

That was great piece of work. You should get a job doing Letterman’s top ten list.

Sarah
5 years, 4 months ago

i wonder which one i am haha

Anonymous
5 years, 3 months ago

It gave me a chuckle, but was highly inaccurate. Didn’t describe a single person at my store.