HOW TO BE AN AWESOME HATER (LIKE ME)

Lesson 1: Respect the hate. Treat it like you would sculpture or modern architecture.

I play the hate game for the inherent art and beauty in hurting other people’s feelings. I don’t do it to wield some imaginary “blog power” that comes with running an ultra-successful blog that can make women cry with a single post.

Lesson 2: Be patient. Wait in the grass like a snake.

Proper hating is 90% waiting and 9% attacking. The other 1% is looking through the thesaurus to find synonyms for such words as “retard” and “attention-whore.” Strike too early and you appear psychopathic, but strike too late and you miss valuable opportunities to take down your opponent. The best part of hating is the anticipation before striking.

Lesson 3: Master the art of surprise. Rewards come to those who unleash emotional destruction when it’s least expected.

Last year I announced my DCist hate, but that was lame of me because I gave them time to mentally prepare for my hateful omnipotence (observe the use of thesaurus). Don’t tell anyone you are going to attack unless you have troll fighters that believe in your cause.

Lesson 4: Get mad. For your hating to be congruent, you must genuinely have the hate inside you.

You can’t fake hate. It has to deep inside you from years of when your mom beat you with a broom and said, “I wish you didn’t come out of my hole.” If you are a person who always has to be “nice,” then fuck off because you can’t play this game.

Lesson 5: Do some research. A little personal information goes a long way.

I’m not referring to private investigator type of information, but something the target has put up but long forgotten. For instance if your target blogged about getting dumped several months ago, it will be helpful if you bring that up. Example: “Oh, is my hate making you upset, like when you got dumped several months ago? Loser.”

Lesson 6: Execute. Your ultimate goal is to get the person to change their behavior as a result of your hating.

Execution is usually the easiest step. The only variable here is deciding if you want to deliver your hate anonymously or not. I’ve found that anonymous haters have a very short shelf-life. Put your name to the hate so you get recognized as a weird individual instead of just another internet troll.

Lesson 7: Blowback. People like the hate, not the hater.

Pathetic groupies of your target usually come out after a hater event with the standard stock insults: “You must have too much time on your hands,” “What’s wrong with you,” “You are petty,” and “Did you get dropped on your head as a child?” Secretly they like your hate but can never admit it. It’s human nature to love conflict.

Lesson 8: Live by the sword, die by the sword.

There will be individuals who give you a taste of your own medicine. As long as you accept that you are not invincible and will be owned, don’t cry like a little bitch when a picture of you and your secret gay lover is plastered all over the internet.

:popcorn:

20 thoughts on “HOW TO BE AN AWESOME HATER (LIKE ME)

  1. KassyK

    I am too big of a wuss to be a real hater…But watching the hating from the sidelines is very entertaining-I appreciate the tips if I muster up the courage to become a true hater. Hate on haterssss.

  2. Ish

    Ok, I am now convinced you follow my friends and I around and use it as your own matieral

    Or else you are just the “actually live in DC rather then just party in it” version of us

  3. Matt L

    Lesson 8: Count your lessons and number them properly so as not to appear that you can’t count.

    Lesson 9: Proofread so you don’t have sentences missing words. Spellcheck alone is not enough.

  4. Anonymous

    so ur saying a person needs to be emotionally involved in order to be a true hater…that you truly have to hate them and have the hate boil inside of u …but obviously that makes it tough to follow rule # 1 which is wehre you say you play the hate game for its beauty and fun

  5. Joe

    To Lonnie Bruner: I’ve come to a few conclusions regarding the Wonkette matter. Ana Marie Cox doesn’t suck. She’s a good writer. But the Wonkette blog has become almost unreadable, so crammed with indecipherable inside humor, “au courant” references and the latest hip Beltway jargon that even I don’t understand it anymore, and I worked on the Hill for about 8 years. Plus, most of the content isn’t even written by Ana Marie. And I think Wonkette hasn’t broken any interesting news since the Washingtonienne days. Sad, but true because I’ve always liked Wonkette.

  6. Sally

    Only status-driven cunts like the new Wonkette. Which is why I read it every day!

    P.S. Statusdrivencunt is my new AIM handle.

  7. Michelle

    Do you only have online-hate, and does this mean we’re in store for another round of DC blogs that suck? On another note, how can someone so filled with hate use so many smilies?

  8. Bah!

    Ana Marie Cox hasn’t written for Wonkette in 5 months and probably not even before that Joe, you douchebag…8 years on the Hill and “even you” can’t decipher it…most janitors can’t you assclown…

  9. Cock Diesel

    ?P.S. Statusdrivencunt is my new AIM handle.?
    ____________________________

    lol. :thumbup: How cute, our little Xenophobe made a funny. But a…you forgot ?culturally-inept?. Uggggh Salls, go listen to your ?Prussian Blue? cd.

    It appears the majority of the readers were equally repulsed.

    Anyhow, I?m done, permanently.

    Jodete y aprieta el culo.
    Sola Vaya.
    😎

  10. DCB Post author

    Anonymous: I hate for the art, but good hating is enabled by my previous life experience. One rule describes intent/motivation, the other describes the process.

    Matt L:

    Lesson 10 – Don’t troll from the same IP where you have used your official handle. When you get caught, deny it, but go right back at it the next day. Appear foolish and obsessive.

  11. afpecrjjkz

    24 Connecticut upset fifth ranked Stanford 2 0, eliminating the host Cardinal from the NCAA women’s soccer tournament. The Cardinal (15 3 5) were looking to advance to the final eight of the tournament, but instead the Huskies (14 5 2) will be playing for a spot in the final four. They will face Florida State next weekend. The Cardinal made a second Sweet 16 in a row. The six Cardinal seniors depart after compiling 53 wins in their four seasons on the Farm. “It was just a weird game,” said Stanford coach Paul Ratcliffe, whose team outshot UConn 12 7. “I felt like we dominated the first half and Connecticut just was able to convert (its) two scoring chances. “I am so proud of the players (who) are moving on from this program, they are such great people.” Men’s soccer: Andrew Wiedeman scored off a…http://news-blog-for-you.com/

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