I’ve gotten a lot of shit for making fun of spinsters here, but a woman recently wrote in to FDDC complaining that her friends are becoming, well, spinsters.

Going out to parties or clubs is starting to get replaced by Movie Nights with the Girls. I?m starting to get all these ?girl power? e-mails containing stories with the under lying message that It?s OK to be Single! It?s like they?re giving up. I suspect the fact that we?re all hovering so close to 30 is part of the problem.

When I first started talking about spinsters about a year ago, the hate directed to me was quite numerous and hateful. But lately I’m noticing that many people, even women, are starting to agree with me. I think it is because of two reasons: 1) the spinster term is more accepted into mainstream culture, and 2) anyone who goes out on weekends can see with the phenomenon unfold with their own eyes.

I want to quote two comments. The first explains something that I personally see “in the field”….

Now they are turning 30 and they are alone and the same bullshit games they have been playing since they were 20 are not working any more. Most men there age have either been burned once or twice by girls like this and no better, are not interested because they can get younger better looking girls, or finally they know how to get a one night stand out of them and then move on without dealing with the headgames. more

The next one should be the comment of the fucking year. Women should read it very carefully…

This reminds me of a woman I met at the Reef a few months ago. Exceptionally well educated, very professional, great sense of humor (as evidenced by how much me and my wing teased her and how she laughed right along and gave us funny comebacks). She was single, she seemed a bit down, and her friend confided in me that she was frustrated by her inability to get a boyfriend. I tried to help her out by looking over the room at the men and seeing if we couldn?t pick one out who we could get to come talk to her. Nope, she told me, she had already looked them over and there wasn?t a single man who interested her. Must have been 50 men in that room at least, yet not one was good enough based on appearance and style.

You might think this is fine, she is a discriminating woman who demands the best. And that is fine. Except that looks-wise she was a 5 on a scale on 1 to 10 (which means a 3 on DCB?s scale). She was pretty plain looking, her style was fairly dowdy, and she needed to lose 15-20 pounds or so. Her expectations for the types of men she should be dating were utterly unrealistic.

The most attractive, most successful men want attractive upbeat women. They don?t want depressed, average looking women. DCB says this repeatedly and the commenters always hate on him for being shallow. Meanwhile, the 30 year olds who don?t take care of themseleves or give off a depressed vibe only make things worse. Ladies, listen to DCB.

What’s unfortunate is that this woman will never find a husband, because each year she holds out for that perfect man is another year where her looks will fade, her energy will be sapped, her fertility will decrease, and her health will deteriorate. What worthy man would want that? It’s a vicious cycle.

FDDC: Pity Party

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I’ve known several of these women. For one, her massive sense of entitlement when it came to men and her ridiculously arrogant comments about guys who were way out of her league having to essentially work to get her drove most of her friends away. As I recall, her emotional breakdown in a bar over a jovial throwaway comment he’d made (sadly, I wasn’t present) was legendary.

Wow, these women are spinsters and they’re pushing 30? Damn. I’m 34 and hardly even think I’m near that. I date all the time, am not a pain the ass about being open-minded about people and am just enjoying whatever life spins.

People need to get over themselves.

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I agree with her. Just think that DC women in general live on hollywood values when it comes to relationships and men. I actually prefer women that are five’s because I know the relationship will be sincere and authentic, none of that Paris Hllton unrealistic shit. I dated some 9-10’s and I have to say that was some ungodly, unfucking necessary work for a kiss and a sniff. I’m a educated man, but I have to admit I don’t understand the dating habits of DC women. It seems to always come down to money and power.

This is going to be long as hell but I’ve got to tell you that you’re right on the money here. I just turned 30 and I want to share my experiences.

From ages 15-21 I was hot. I was also fucked up, selfish, immature, an alcoholic and somewhat of a ho. But it was cool, because looks-wise, I could still get by. I never really had any serious relationships because my girlfriends kept assuring me that “I had all the time in the world” and “I should just have fun”. Each time an affair would end, we would assume it was all the man’s fault and the next time out it would be “all about ME.” I had a lot of fun, but I had yet to learn that as a woman, time is your enemy.

I graduated from college, entered the professional world and, well, let myself go. I stopped working out, gained 20 lbs, cut my hair short* and still thought that getting men would be easy. It wasn’t. My girlfriends from college went through a similar transformation, and we were all mystified that the men weren’t flocking to us like they used to. “This town sucks,” we’d say. “There are no good men here, because how else could all 5 of us be attractive, intelligent, successful and not have boyfriends?” Looking back, there were good men everywhere, but they were out of our league.

The years went by and we started going out less and dating less. Our solace was in each other, and in bottles of wine and movie nights at home. We were already getting bitter, and we were still in our early 20s.

At 25, I befriended an older woman who was happily married. She’d sometimes give me relationship/life advice that would infuriate me. Her advice was old school and seemed like a slap in the face to modern women everywhere. She called me out on my irrational beliefs about attracting a man. She talked about the importance of looks and the advantages that young women have over older women. She observed that you cannot hate men and want to attract a good one at the same time. She stung me with her observation that I was a 5 looking for a guy who was a 9. I’d relay her advice (which started to make more and more sense) to my college girlfriends, who would call her a dinosaur and an affront to women everywhere.

I began to realize that I was in a rut and my girlfriends were keeping me down. I decided to move to a new city, lose weight, grow my hair long, get involved in hobbies, go into therapy and change the way that I related to men. I made new girlfriends who were fun to be around, positive, non-catty and who all loved their boyfriends and husbands. Within a year I had dated more quality men than I’d dated in the past 5 years. And by “quality”, I don’t mean they had a loft apartment or nice ride, I mean that they were fun, smart and had an easygoing confidence. I had great dating experiences for the first time in my life and held no ill will against guys who didn’t call me back and was straightforward with those who I didn’t want to see again. I felt good and honorable about the way I conducted myself and within 2 years I’d met the man (a solid 7!) who I married last year.

And my college friends? One of them wised up a few years ago and though she’s 32 and still single, I think she’s going to be okay. She would like to be married someday, but she’s got a very Zen approach to life I think will ward off desperation. Another came out of the closet and is happy as hell with a great partner. As for my other 2 college friends, they are both single (I don’t count the one who has been “dating” a married 60 year old for the last year), and have gotten even more bitter. I hear from them a couple times a year, but it gets more infuriating and pathetic with each passing year.

It’s really not my responsibility to give advice to people whom I ceased to have anything in common with over 5 years ago, but it still makes me sad to think that they blew their best chances at finding a good guy because of the lies that so many modern single women tell themselves. My 2 “spinster” friends have learned NOTHING in the 12 years I’ve known them, and not just about dating. They are selfish, spoiled, cruel and haven’t an ounce of self-awareness. They aren’t looking for a friend or partner, they are looking for someone to put up with their shit. They feel that they shouldn’t be the ones to change, because it’s the men who are all wrong.

I may sound more than a little self-righteous and condescending, but I made huge changes in my life and it paid off in every way possible. This isn’t some Oprah-style feel-good shit, as it is difficult to look at yourself and figure out where you come up short. It takes work, and it doesn’t happen overnight. If you have a sense of entitlement about relationships (or life in general), you will never be happy.

Keep up the good work.

*Every single woman I knew applauded my decision to cut my hair short. All the men I knew were horrified. I now have a theory that having hair above one’s shoulders automatically drops you .5 point on the 1-10 scale. Halle Berry can afford to lose a half point, but most of us can’t.

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If your ever looking for a bench player hit me up. Oh shit DCB, see this shit works. Put this post on a f-ing billboard. You could convert thousands of DC “Hiltons”.

It’s funny because women who understand this generally are like DCRookie or they are the type of women who are happily married and do not have the problems complained of here.

One last thing that DCRookie says that I as a man applaud:

“They aren?t looking for a friend or partner, they are looking for someone to put up with their shit. They feel that they shouldn?t be the ones to change, because it?s the men who are all wrong.”

This is the best advice/point made here, although it transcends the scope of the original post. Intimacy is important as DCB recently pointed out, but if you make a man your emotional tampon do not expect him to stick around.

This is an ironic post because I got a press release today about a new “women’s wine club.” This is where the women who get to old for the bar scene must go, I guess. Sounds, um, thrilling…

DCRookie: Wow… just wow. I’m priting your comment out and giving it to girls I date.

DCRookie, nice. Bottom line: Feminism, on many levels, is and always was a lie. Too bad so many fell for it.

What a great comment by DCRookie. It looks like us quality single guys need to find the women who are just making that transition. That’s the hard part…

wow. I think I need to read DCRookie’s comment every morning!

mama likes.

spinsters represent everything that is wrong with women today.

(quick question: why then do i get hated on constantly for having a fun, healthy, commited relationship and soon to be marriage at the age of 24?)

Sorry to post twice in one day, but someone mentioned I ought to tell the plight of a female friend of ours I’ll call “Cara.”

Cara was a solid “5″ but was lucky enough to get engaged to “Mike,” a nerdy-but-nice guy who was in medical school. But her yenta friends and mother kept saying “Oy vey, don’t get tied down, see the world!” Cara got pregnant just as Mike finished med school. Against his wishes, she aborted the baby and dumped him with hopes of seeing the world.

But the world was not kind to Cara. “Pumped and dumped” many times (to steal a DCB phrase!) she put on weight and wound up depressed. By 30 she was in deep regret over dumping Mike — who by then had grown into his looks and married an absolutely gorgrous physician. She used to moan to my ex about how his kids should have been her kids.

Before Cara knew it she was 40, on multiple anti-depressants and liked to eat. A lot. She lived in a huge haunted-looking house with cats. Sounds cliche, but I kid you not. Last I heard, she had spiraled downward further, but was “taking classes.” Women like this love “classes.”

So there you have a classically banal spinster tale: She aborted the baby, dumped the guy and has spent every day since the first Bush administration in deep regret and strung out on anti-depression meds. Can I make a “best of the week” comment with that last sentence, DCB?

Wow, your story gives me hope for humanity DCRookie.

Here here, DCRookie.

I hope you stick around

perhaps the “spinsters” are actually hidden masochist that haven’t come out of the closet yet about it since it’s not socially accepted on the level of other things - they probably like cutting the hair short for the fall out

Perhaps “spinsters” secretly don’t want to get married at all, ever. They set impossible standards, knowing deeply no one will ever measure up.

It gets these ladies off the hook without ever having to face the uncomfortable reality that THEY DON’T WANT OR NEED A MAN. Because to admit it would be just too subversive.

[...] etic, but it would be nice not to be dumped anymore. The last thing I want to become is a spinster! Slight exageration on my part…I’m not dumped al [...]

my sister-in-law is a 38 year old spinster who has caused massive problems in my marriage. she resents me for being married to her brother, because as no man wants her her brother is all she has. these women caused their own problems by sleeping around and having nasty personalities. you cant be a diva like naomi campbell if you dont have her looks. also, who wants to be with a woman (or a man for that matter) who has sex with anyone at all and then gets needy, weird and pathetic?