IF I WAS A GIRL

If I was a girl, I wouldn’t sleep with guys so soon. This advice cockblocks me, but the best defense — to a man whose main goal is to sleep with girls as fast as possible — is to wait, especially since most guys are only willing to have sex with you once and never again. You don’t want to put out until a guy shows time investment.

But how much time investment?

Enough so that if the sex is bad, his first instinct is not to dump you. While I don’t believe in time invested, almost all other guys do. If he spent a lot of time getting you in bed, he will be less willing to “throw it all away” just because you didn’t give enthusiastic oral sex.

Waiting will only work if you are a quality woman. The amount of quality you need to have depends on the kind of guy you are going after: the higher status male, the more you must have your shit together. If you want to land him, and you think he wants to be landed by you, then you need a better strategy than answering the phone on the third ring and relying on advice from girlfriends who have watched too many movies.

I asked myself, “What would work on me?” What could a girl say to me on date two, three, or — doubtfully — four that would still keep me hanging on even though we weren’t having sex? I embraced my feminine side and came up with something that, if said to me by a girl I liked, may keep me in the game:

I want to be intimate as much as you do, but sex is something that is very important to me. It takes a lot of trust and time for me to do that. I don’t date multiple guys and I don’t care about where you take me out, but sex is one thing that we should wait for. I don’t know how long it will take and I can’t promise that anything that will happen, but you are the only guy that I’m seeing right now. If you can be patient and we can spend some time together, I want to see where this goes.

There are five things that were communicated there:

1. She is not a whore.
2. She is not a spinster or serial dater.
3. She is not trying to spend my money.
4. She is probably not playing games.
5. She is not needy.

If I was a girl, I would maybe say that to guys. Most would walk away, but I’m sure some wouldn’t. It doesn’t completely solve the problem of getting pumped and dumped, but is sure does a good job screening out guys like me, who find it unnecessary to wait for sex past date two.

MISSED CONNECTIONS

On the face of it Craigslist “Missed Connections” seem like a really good idea and I’ll admit to a passing fascination with reading them. But if you think about the darker side of missed connections, it’s actually just a dating tool for wimps. It’s the adult equivalent of middle-school dating where you ask your friend to ask his friend if he likes you.

Every human being on this planet fears rejection and has a certain amount of shyness. But SO WHAT if they shoot you down? Life is full of rejection – jobs, friends, credit cards. So someone ignores you and you feel like a dummy. But I feel like a complete idiot on a regular basis and it hasn’t ruined my life yet. In fact, I’m basically awesome all the time.

What’s not acceptable is when you so much fear just TALKING to another person to the point that you later obsess about the interaction enough to actually post on an online forum about it.

I get to say this because I actually was the recipient of a missed connection about a month after I moved to DC. I had gone to the still-cool Tapatini’s and started talking to a cute guy who could have been my brother (I love looking in mirrors, so I’m attracted to people who look like me). Having taken advantage of the gratuitous martini special, I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was gone. I chalked it up to “not interested” and left a few minutes later to go to dinner with my friends.

Monday morning, a friend of mine forwarded me a missed connection that was definitely me. So I e-mailed the guy back, and we went out for two months. Unfortunately in the end he was exactly what a missed connection poster is: a whiny titty baby.

FACIAL NEEDED

A couple visitors have been coming here from a new blog called Urban Cowgirl. It takes me a while to warm up to a new blog — unless of course it’s written by a girl who puts up semi-nude pictures of herself. She looks like she would know how to please a man in bed. Now if only hedonistic would give us some facials instead of body shots. We get it, your body is nice for an older lady. But the face?

Robert Greene, the author of The 48 Laws Of Power, The Art of Seduction, and The 33 Strategies of War started a blog not too long ago called Power, Seduction, and War. Better go to the bathroom and grab some food before you start reading.

I just discovered The Dilbert Blog written by Scott Adams. Highly recommended.

My favorite blog right now, without a doubt, is Whiskey Bar.

Postscript: Urban Cowgirl does not appreciate the exposure that my linkage gave to her. Her blog is now password protected. I am granting her request to remove her link because she apparently has discussed activities which may not be suitable to readers who work for law enforcement agencies. According to commenters who actually read her blog — instead of only browsing through pictures like I did — she takes the time to entertain gentleman callers, if you know what I mean. *WINK WINK* :hump: :hump: *TRIPLE WINK* bj.gif bj.gif

LOVERS HAPPY HOUR

The Haters Happy Hour is no more. A new era begins…

Hosts: Me & Sally, Circle V

When: Thursday, October 19 @ 8PM

Where: Cafe Citron

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Lovers at Citron… a long long time ago

I used to throw happy hours with my friend Insomnia. We lost interest after a while; I turned to DJ’ing and he got a girlfriend. But now the itch is back and V was the first person I asked to do this with me. Whenever I see her out, she’s always drinking and having a good time. She never makes drama. And of course no happy hour is complete without the lovely Sally. You haven’t lived until you see her awesome dance moves. :amused:

“Why is it called the Lovers Happy Hour?”

Oh, you’ll see. :hump:

GYM FREAKS ARE RUINING MY WORKOUT AMBIANCE

At the gym the other day there was a guy next to me, maybe around 25, who was lifting his shirt in the aerobic area to check out his body in the mirror, unable to wait until he got home. He had a six-pack and maybe 5% body fat.

How often do guys with six-packs actually get to show it off? There are maybe three months each year that is suitable for going to the beach or pool. Even if you go at least once every week, that’s only twelve times. Since getting a six-pack is pretty damn hard unless you have the genetics (two words: black men), why put in all that effort?

“‘Cause ladies love it.”

The only time she is seeing the product of your countless hours of working out and diet monitoring are in the bedroom, with the lights off, after she already decided to sleep with you. Better time would be spent reading something like a history book — maybe then you can have more things to talk about besides your project management job.

And then there are the ‘roid monsters who look like they were created in a laboratory. Other than at the gym, when do they actually use those muscles? They can lift a car for two seconds but can’t run a mile without having a heart attack. The only two thoughts going through their brain are if they look good and when their next protein feeding is. The bigger the muscles a man has, the lower his self-esteem. “Oh no I plateaued, these supplements aren’t working!”

Maybe I’m bitter because my hairy coat doesn’t show off my muscles like the Abercrombie models. Or maybe I take a practical approach with a goal of health instead of cosmetic excess. Eating right and working out is the best investment you can make: take care of yourself now to have less have problems later. But if you are stepping in to the gym to try to impress people, or if your life resolves around the gym culture of exaggerated grunting noises and ThermoSpeed energy drinks, you need to work on few other things first — in your head, not on your body.

OLD SCHOOL

My former college advisor is in today’s Post.

So great is student interest in learning how to talk intelligently about such matters that each semester, Sawyer’s course [human sexuality] has a waiting list of 100 students or more. This means most of the students are seniors, who get first pick, rather than freshmen, who might benefit more from the course.

The only way you could have gotten in his class is if you were a fifth year senior. Punishment went to those who finished college within four years.

One of my high school English teachers was in the Post a couple years ago. If only he could see my writing now.

DCIST IS DYING

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but not all is well in the land of DC blogging.

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Since their peak in March, traffic has been declining each month. This is bad news when you are owned by a company that claims it has “only just begun to grow!” With over two dozen staff members, I doubt they are making much money.

I wrote about the site way back in May 2005. Almost nothing has changed since then: they still regurgitate news from the Post, post weather updates, and feature local bands that no one wants to see. They are irrelevant in all matters related to DC blogging (DC Blogs eclipsed them long ago). I’m not really sure what they are supposed to be about.

It’s easy to bitch about something but hard to provide solutions, so I’m going to help them out. Here are five ways DCist can become a better blog:

1. Fire everyone, including the editor. They’ve gone through something like five editors in the past year and the site is getting progressively worse. That should be a hint to stop promoting from within. If your staff is sucking up the page, don’t pluck one to helm a sinking ship. Replace everyone with hippies who have interesting opinions.

2. Get rid of the classical music agenda. It’s nice you are trying to lock up the highly coveted over-70 crowd, but my grandfather does not read blogs.

3. Hire writers who have goals other than reaching a certain word count. Most posts are fluffy and can be halved without losing any meaning.

Bad writing: We know that many of you are skeptical that worthwhile culture could somehow bloom amidst the barren asphalt expanse of suburbia. But for those of you willing to maintain an open mind about such matters, we propose an evening raid of three of Annandale?s cultural gems in a series of lightning strikes that will enable you to get in, get out, and be back in your Mt. Pleasant basement apartment just in time for Charlie Rose. (76 words)

Translation: Surprisingly, there are places in the Annandale suburbs that are worth visiting. (12 words)

Also, don’t hire people who tried but failed to make it on the stand-up comedy circuit.

4. Write more about DC nightlife. You can easily kill the sorry Going Out Gurus by hiring two or three club rats who post pictures and write reviews that complain about attitude and service. Settle down with all those restaurant reviews; I don’t know anyone who eats out that much.

5. Dump the “continue reading” links. I know you need those to increase your page-view count for advertisers, but no one is going to click those if your lead is uninteresting, which is the case 100% of the time. Your olive branch has no olives.

Who would have known that DCist was at its best back when I first hated on them last year. It was under Mike Grass then, and other than the strange use of bold type, his one-man army is embarrasing a huge team of resume padders. Unfortunately, DCist has been reduced to nothing more than a vehicle for wannabes hoping to get a real journalism job.