Do you ever feel like people appear in our lives as messengers to teach us fundamental lessons of life? We may not recognize the value of their wisdom at the time, but later we look back and realize they were sending us a message we needed to hear. A few years ago I had such a prophet appear to me in the form of a DC cab driver.
I was working late one night downtown and decided to take a cab home rather than the Metro. The taxi driver was an American black guy, probably in his late 30’s. I was pretty tired and sunk down in the back seat, but not 30 seconds into the ride, he started talking to me.
Cab driver: “What’s up, man?”
Chaco: “Not much.” I didn’t want to talk.
Cab driver: “Man, my girl was a BITCH last night” (he emphasized the word “bitch” in the way only a black man can).
Chaco: “Oh?”, I said meekly, really not wanting to hear about it, but it seemed he had a lot to get off his chest.
Cab driver: “Yeah man, a bitch! And you know why, right?”
Chaco: “Uh…No?” Because you’re the kind of guy who calls his girlfriend a “bitch”?
Cab driver: “Because I didn’t give it to my bitch the night before. You know bitches get all bitchy when you don’t give it to them, right?!”
Actually, no, I didn’t know that. How could I know? At the time, I had no game. Like zero. Therefore, my first thought upon hearing this dude complain about his woman acting bitchy because he had not “given it to her” was to think, “This brother needs some sensitivity training.” In fact, I even debated whether I should let him know he should be more sensitive to women. After all, not only was he calling his girlfriend a “bitch,” he was speaking of having sex with her rather crudely. In the end, I decided that my first priority was to get home safely and not pick a fight with this dude who might throw me out of his cab in a bad neighborhood late at night, so I retreated from the high moral ground and let him do his thing.
Cab driver: “Damn, them bitches get so bitchy when you don’t give it to them.”
Cab Driver: “I guess I should have just given it to her.”
Cab Driver: “That’ll teach my ass a lesson - next time, give it to the bitch or they get bitchy on your ass!”
He went on like this for the remaining 10 minutes of the cab ride. It was all he talked about and he never stopped. I made it safely home and I figured I should be satisfied with that, even if I did have to suffer through the rantings of an insensitive cab driver.
But then something strange started to happen. I began to tell my friends the story (in casual company) and expected to end up in deep debates about the state of gender relations in our society. Instead, I was shocked by the response of my female friends: every one laughed and said, “Yeah, that’s true.”
What?! Where was the outrage? Where were the calls for mandatory sensitivity training starting in 6th grade? I couldn’t believe it. In high school I had been one of those guys who thought girls didn’t enjoy sex. I mean, they were always saying “no,” so they must not like it, right? In college, I actually believed my sexual harassment training that “no means no” 100% of the time. I had always tried to be respectful of women, and being respectful meant not making any physical moves too soon, least I might “offend” them and they would think I was some date raping pig. The only girls I had dated to that point had basically thrown themselves at me.
Later on in life I realized that I needed to develop some game, and once I started making progress, the truth of the cab drivers words became clear to me. I have now come to believe that women care more about sexual satisfaction than men. Women may be pickier about who they sleep with, but once they pick you, they will want sex more badly than most men. It still kind of amazes me at times, but it has been such a consistent observation that I can’t believe anything otherwise.
Sometimes I still remember that cab driver and think the universe was sending me a message I needed to hear. My genes were at great risk of never being passed on, so the gods sent someone to plant a seed of truth in me. And since then, every girlfriend of mine has eventually heard the story about that cab driver and responded the same way: she laughs and says, “Yeah, that’s true.”
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Yeah, that?s true!
Chaco - This man was an angel sent from heaven to tell men that yes, women do enjoy sex and we certainly like it when you give it to us frequently! Liked the story.
True that. Every girlfriend I have ever had wanted sex more than me. The majority of my friends concur with this theory. Bitches.
Cosmic’s experience has been the same as mine. Once you’re selected, women want it pretty often because they’re in a monogamous relationship and get it anywhere else. If you don’t give it to them periodically (and well — “feet behind the ears” well), they’ll eventually get it somewhere else.
Sensitivity is great during the romancing stage. When it comes to sex, you’re better off acting like an animal.
SO true. Don’t forget, as Jay says, it’s not just giving the sex. It’s giving the o’s too.
I love the irony of this post…guys on this site always bitching about not getting any and women being “prudish” but then when they are getting it regularly and SHE wants it—she’s the one with the problem but if she SAYS it…shes the “bitch” or a whore. HA!
The story has concluded my ultimate theory on men….You guys have no fucking clue what you want and you are all really just turned on by each other.
All men are secretly gay. Amen.
I’m sorry I make a point of not saying “ALL” of anything…so not ALL men are secretly gay…just most of you.
Wow, this is so right on.
I have almost come to the conclusion that men and women are designed to destroy one another. Not monogomous = guys want sex all the time; girls not so much. Monogomous = girls want it constantly and we want it to be wild.
For guys, it seems like the sex drive goes into decline after monogomy sets in. Do guys wait to get married until their sex drive starts to go away? It would kind of make sense biologically, I guess, since limiting the spread of seed is not advantageous. But it’s still totally unfair. And it’s stupid!
Maybe we should ALL just be gay.
for men, it’s the variety. if a guy is getting lackadaisical about sex with his GF it’s only because he’s tapped that cooch so much that it’s gotten dull.
solution: many many MANY simultaneous GFs.
there is truth in jest
Anon1–Hehe…I like that cartoon. I just think like KLO said…its sad that we all are just SO clueless about the other sex. We really just don’t get each other.
It is clear to me that you still have no game, and that you will never have any game. You may say that the cab driver steered you in the right direction, but in thruth, deep down, you still dont understand the needs of women.
This is shit they should teach in college freshmen seminars and courses instead of the garbage that frosh usually take in first year. We have to learn the hard way. If I was a supertindent, I would have high schools offer courses in “opposite sex relations” … Imagine the shitstorm conservatives and evangelicals would start once getting wind of this! LOL but I don’t care…screw them and their repressive attitudes! Now I gotta go work on a rear end……
You were so right on when you said “Women may be pickier about who they sleep with, but once they pick you, they will want sex more badly than most men.”
Women are very sexual beings that have been supressed for so long and are finally coming out of their sexuality closet.
I want to be offended, but really. It’s true. I don’t think, though, that’s it’s just about women enjoying sex. It’s about women wanting to feel wanted. Once you are in a monogamous relationship, the dynamic changes. You can’t flirt, let guys pick you up, whatever. Or if you can, depending on your relationship, it’s still not the same because you know it’s not going anywhere. So all the ego boosting has to come from your s.o. And women are trained by society to think that men should want to have sex all the time. Therefore, if your guy is not constantly trying to get into your pants, there is something wrong with you.
And, well, hey. We can literally have orgasms all night. Hell yeah, we like sex…
rebecca, you are correct, minus the “trained by society” part. there is no societal machinery that regulates the frequency with which men get boners for their GFs. it’s all a blast of thermonuclear lust that originates deep in the folds of the electric ham.
but the dynamic you explain is spot on, and in fact a man who is so inclined can use this peculiar weakness of women to amplify her love and devotion to him. following the first few months of crazy banging when the high has worn off for the man (and it’s usually the man who gets the roving eye for new frontiers first), he should give her just enough to keep her from crashing through the floor in despair and leaving him but not so much that she feels like it is no longer any work to keep his attentions.
easier said than done, of course. which is why i counsel men to keep “two in the kitty” at all times. nothing says “non-needy” like…. non-neediness.
Roissy–If you are so often getting the wandering eye…then why be with someone more than once or twice anyway? Thats moving from player territory to mean territory…Why do you need control over women? By keeping her on her toes so you can dump her for another guy? Just don’t date and fuck random chicks…seems thats all you want anyway…why the head games…the need to hurt women and keep them wanting you is really really what turns women crazy. And not in a good way. Lol.
OOps meant another girl….not another guy…whoopsies.
“then why be with someone more than once or twice anyway?”
“Why do you need control over women?”
let me ask you a question: have you ever tried giving into someone else’s control just for a while?
“why the head games?”
i give them what they secretly desire. if it’s lifetime monogamy with a devoted man they want then they shouldn’t be sleeping with guys they’re not married to.
“need to hurt women”
my harder-edged advice is for those men who are not sufficiently dominant in the important ways that such game-playing would do them a world of good. mimicing the traits of a real man who easily earns the love of women is sometimes enough to catapult a perpetually heartbroken loser into a state of mind where the shackles of cloudy thinking fall away to pieces and he sees the matrix revealed.
“really really what turns women crazy.”
btw, you write like a pretty girl.
am i wrong?
Ay Roissy…I am never going to get anywhere with you, am I? I have given into a dominant male before and I have been the dominant one at different times in the same relationship…I just think head games are worthless…why bother?
You can have lots of fun with a loving person and a great time without all the drama. Drama stinks.
Ok, I do have to give you credit for that last comment…I guess if the game-playing advice is for guys that need help GETTING women then its ok…but in terms of being with people consisently…game-playing just ends up boring and empty.
There is no irony in this post. Guys want it all the time but with different women. What is so ironic about that?
There is a story about President Woodrow Wilson and his wife watching horses mate. She says, “Hmmm, look at how enthusiastic THAT MALE is.” And Woodrow responded: “Yeah, because he gets to be with a different horse each time!”
The biological purpose of males is to spread their seed as far and wide as they can, hence the desire for many women. But if Kassy truly thinks all men are gay, she has no knowledge of basic biological science, much less any idea what actual human men are up to.
That said, if guys find the right women they will be monagamous. These usually tend to be feminine women, with manners and tact. Women who will care for the offspring. Not ones who go around dyking guys out and calling them gay.
?Why do you need control over women??
let me ask you a question: have you ever tried giving into someone else?s control just for a while?
Roissy - I see what you’re getting at here - a relationship with very strongly polarized masculine and feminine gender roles. That can be a truly great thing.
However, in order for a woman to give up control in that way, she needs to be able to trust that her man will take as good or better care of her as she would herself. She also needs to trust that he would never knowingly do anything to hurt her.
If you’re giving off the vibe that you could take her or leave her and might hook up with someone else at anytime, she’s not going to give up control and be totally feminine with you. She’ll keep her guard up so long as she feels that you’re not serious & she’s at risk of being hurt.
If you’re just looking for random girls who will be submissive in bed, that’ll be easier to find. If you want a woman who will feel comfortable being feminine and handing over the reins outside the bedroom and in the long term, you’ll have to show her enough commitment, integrity, and maturity to earn her trust.
DayofBrokenArrows–As someone that constantly thinks whatever I say is wrong (regardless of what I say–you just don’t like me and that’s ok)…I don’t know the point exactly of responding except that I can’t help it.
My comment originally was to be funny…I have met quite of few “players” that question their own sexuality even in jest saying they just dont “get” women…I am super feminine in the way I look, dress, treat my MAN but I expect to be treated well in response…you can’t expect someone to be your ideal while being a complete schmo in the meanwhile.
I think the reason I bug out about some of your comments and these posts so much is that I WAS in a seven year relationship that was monogamous that ended for completely outside reasons (and yes I did want sex more than he did, on a regular basis) and so I do have real experience with a lot of these posts and it bothers me that so many men seem to be so bitter.
I wish everyone could just take a course and learn how to treat each other with respect and love and sexuality and interest.
And your right–monogamy does come with the right person.
And PS–The spread the seed crap is just getting old…we are evolved human beings…If you want to just spread your seed, go to a fucking sperm donation center.
The excuse is bullshit, if you don’t want to be monogamous…don’t have a significant other.
I don’t want to be monogamous–hence, me not being with one of a few guys that are showing interest right now in just that–I don’t want to hurt them.
Maybe thats just sensitivity that a lot of people lack…
I love that my little story generated such interesting discussion.
Kassy, yes, many people lack that type of sensitivity, as my girl has also noted to me after reading comments here before.
Roissy, yes, Kassy is attractive.
Male and Female outlooks on sexuality are clearly different. If you want to see how much you can look at studies that are done of male and female prison populations and the differences found, which are simply of male and female sexuality preferences taken to an extreme.
Men and women are actually more alike than they are different. Once people understand that masculinity and femininity are (mostly) artificial constructs crammed down our throats for reasons of social control, we’ll be free of this nonsensical battle of the sexes.
Roissy will surely spew some evolutionary psychology “evidence” to prove me wrong but his reasoning is off, so you may safely ignore him. Sure, our hormone coctails are slightly different (same stuff, only slightly different amounts) but not enough to turn the opposite sex into some kind of mystery species. We’re all corrupted by social forces, there is NO PURE woman or man untainted by them.
It’s true: When a woman is really into a man, she wants sex all the time. And vice versa. Because we all want the same thing: Compatibility, chemistry, and crazy monkey sex with someone special.
You said monkey sex.
“If you?re giving off the vibe that you could take her or leave her and might hook up with someone else at anytime, she?s not going to give up control and be totally feminine with you.”
that’s what i used to think.
but more to the point, it’s not about taking her or leaving her. if i’m with a girl, i’m there because i desire her and enjoy her company. i wouldn’t be there if i didn’t feel she was worthy of my affections.
all my girls know that they are loved.
they know this because it is true.
“show her enough commitment, integrity, and maturity”
commitment, integrity, and maturity are not incompatible with polyamory.
neither is honesty if you have strength of character.
“I WAS in a seven year relationship that was monogamous”
you still sound sad about it. I’m curious, what outside reason was powerful enough to break the bonds of a 7-year love?
“spread the seed crap is just getting old?”
wishing it away or spiting it won’t make it any less true.
“we are evolved human beings?”
we are evolved animals.
“If you want to just spread your seed, go to a fucking sperm donation center.”
this is another flavor of ‘just say no to sex’.
or: sperm donation centers don’t have long legs, soft skin, and electric kisses.
or: your suggestion is cold-hearted. it doesn’t fit well on you.
but you knew that already.
“if you don?t want to be monogamous?don?t have a significant other.”
what’s wrong with significant others?
sniping aging single mom battleaxe harpy:
“Men and women are actually more alike than they are different.”
not if we limit our scope to attraction, courtship, sex, and procreation.
which is really limiting it not at all.
“masculinity and femininity are (mostly) artificial constructs crammed down our throats for reasons of social control”
“We?re all corrupted by social forces,”
reality pisses in the face of your equalist shibboleths. and it will continue to piss in your aging face no matter how much you pule to the contrary, as you slowly discover to your horror that fewer and fewer men find you attractive enough to fuck and even fewer still to commit to you when your expiration is date is so near and you have a child tagging along to kill all the fun. throw in your rancid hideous personality and you’ll be lucky to settle for a desperate flaccid loser who excites nothing in you and with nothing better to offer than a soulless trip to the mall to buy your affections with empty baubles. and you will remember my words when one morning you will wake up, alone with your wrinkles and sag and righteous indignation, gloomily staring at your ceiling, crying bitter tears as the cruel harshness of the reality you chose to dismiss with your ideological nonsense wraps its metadeath grip around you like a dark shroud.
“that?s what i used to think.
but more to the point, it?s not about taking her or leaving her. if i?m with a girl, i?m there because i desire her and enjoy her company. i wouldn?t be there if i didn?t feel she was worthy of my affections.
all my girls know that they are loved.
they know this because it is true.”
In my humble opinion, loving someone should not involve playing on his/her insecurities and keeping him/her on the verge of “crashing through the floor in despair and leaving.” It’s not really devotion if you have to manipulate someone into it. If you want a partner who sticks around and has sex with you because she’s too emotionally unbalanced to get over whatever hang-ups attract her to a man who intentionally messes with her head, then go right ahead.
I much prefer the arrangement I have with my man. He treats me incredibly well. His genuine kindness, love, and support mean so much to me that I have committed myself to doing everything I can to treat him incredibly well. We don’t have to waste time trying to trick each other into acting like good partners; we’ve both put ourselves on the line and committed to doing everything we can to keep each other happy. I wouldn’t waste my time on anything less.
“commitment, integrity, and maturity are not incompatible with polyamory.
neither is honesty if you have strength of character.”
Honesty should not be incompatible with any sort of intimate relationship. If everyone knows about the polyamory situation and is *honestly* ok with it, great. The ethical problems come up when one person uses the threat of a second partner to fuel the insecurities of the first partner. You don’t have to “manage” someone into being a good partner, you just have to stop playing games and hold out for someone else who will do the same, if that’s what you really want.
Roissy–I am still sad about it and I was the one who ended it. The outside forces are issues my ex is dealing with that I don’t want to drag into the blog world and hurt him with. Its his issues that I spent years trying to help him with…being there, listening, supporting…but alas, I lost myself somewhere and he never really got better. He is a good man but unfortunately when your happiness is down the tubes…sometimes after years of trying, there is no other option but to leave.
So we ended things on a nice note hoping that we both become better people by doing our own thing.
I am definately still sad. Doesn’t mean I am not open to another loving relationship or just some fun, but the sadness lingers.
I guess I am just used to a partnership where we both give our all as much as we can and don’t lie or cheat. Honesty and love was always key for each both and we never, ever played games.
I just want to know where I stand with whoever I am talking to…for me closure and answers are better than being strung along just to be hurt.
kassyk, i admire your candor.
the regret, frustration, and wistful longing in your writing is all too obvious.
the heartbreak you tell will elicit the usual responses from the armchair psychologists — they will say you were “co-dependent” with self-esteem issues who fits the classic caretaker archetype.
they may be right.
but in the final analysis, it won’t matter because the only thing in this world that isn’t bullshit is love. so never succumb to the temptation to redefine the end of a relationship as a failure. you didn’t feel like you were failing while you were making love to him before the breakup.
on a personal note, i once knew a man like your ex. he, too, struggled with demons. and only in the end did he realize that when you dance with the devil, the devil don’t change.
he changes you.
“I just want to know where I stand with whoever I am talking to?”
be careful what you wish for.
when you get what you want, you may not want it anymore.
Q, if i didn’t know any better, i’d say you were chaco’s fiancee. your writing styles and general outlooks are… eerily compatible.
(this is not a request to reveal yourself. on the contrary, quite the opposite.)
but to your point re: manipulation. all goal-oriented conversation/action is inherently manipulative. we are all trying to get the best package deal we can manage given scarce resources. (and dcb has spent a little time today illustrating just how scarce.) men want youthful, slender, beautiful girls with feminine personalities. women want dominant, strong, protective and supportive men. how we all sprint to that finish line requires actions that could easily be construed, if strict honesty were the sole ethical code to which we subscribed, as manipulative. when you put on makeup or act coy or bat an eyelash you are manipulating a man’s core desires in such a way that it will enhance his feelings for you. in the same way, when a man acts ambiguously or refrains from showing his insecurities or dispenses his love sparingly he understands that this acts upon a woman’s feelings for him in a way that makes him more desirable to her.
what we have observed is not the absence of manipulation, but a spectrum of it, ranging from blatantly deceptive machiavellian aforethought manipulation to unwitting romantic notions of it. while it is *possible*, in fact quite easy, to string along an emotionally vulnerable girl, i would not advocate it for any but the most confused men who are desperate for love. the irony is that these kinds of men are the least able to fully execute my suggestions with complete state control, while it is the alpha men who truly do have choice in women who are most inclined to hurt their lovers.
why do they do it?
because they can.
Roissy–Thank you. I know my “wistful longing” is so obvious and it drives me insane. I do have classic caretaker tendencies that is for sure…
But I am definately not co-dependent…unfortunately I am way too independent within the confines of a relationship that I tend to kind of push people away…when my ex was there 24-7, and needed me so intensely for so long (years of support), I just snapped. I couldn’t do it anymore…my girlfriends always tell me I’ll never find anyone else that gives me as much space as my ex did…scary huh?
I do want the truth, honestly, all of it…I am definately more in that vein. I can’t do the games thing, its just not in my nature.
But your very very right in terms of not letting myself see the end as a failure. I am starting to see that I have the ability to give more than a lot of people and that I was part of a long-term partnership…that is something to be proud of.
Ok, now that I have said all that, I will go back to being slightly snarky, bitter KassyK.
Oh PS–to clarify…I meant that in the end he was there 24-7…in most of the relationship he gave me all the space I needed…I realized that came out confusing.
“I?ll never find anyone else that gives me as much space as my ex did?”
this depends on what you deem an acceptable amount of space and on how deeply you fall for the guy. if you feel smothered with a once-a-week arrangement then you will have a harder time finding a guy willing to abide those terms. in fact, you will attract players who date more than one girl at a time and hence don’t mind the freedom your space demands will give them. if it is a question of simply not falling hard in love with the guy, then the space you need will be a reflection of the strength of feelings you have for him — don’t be surprised if he gradually grows disenchanted with your diffidence. generally, the more intense the bond the more you and he will want to be with each other.
there is an exception. if your depth of love is contingent on always “chasing” the guy then you may need the space to feel that pull towards him. this is what i call “false positive love”. i think you may fall into this category based on what you wrote above. you are a giver and you resent the games. this tells me you fear being tossed into emotional turmoil because you know how easy it would be for someone you care about to take advantage of your generous qualities. this fear shapes your vision of the ideal LTR, for better or worse, and may explain why you tend to very long relationships even after they have lost their original appeal. “chasing”, in its own strange way, gives the illusion of control.
life is scary.
i wouldn’t have it any other way.
“slightly snarky, bitter KassyK.”
you don’t have it in you to be bitter.
Roissy–I hope you are right that I don’t have it in me to be truly bitter…you are very on point with a lot of the things you have mentioned…
Although my ex & I did have a 3-4 day a week arrangement–we were often spontaneous and would see each other more or less depending on the week…when he needed to be with me every day for a month straight in my teeny aptmt was when I felt suffocated.
I just want to be happy…without or without a man…and its nice to be getting back there.
You are a putz
That cabbie should have turned around and smacked you
Always listen to your cabbie!