When it comes to things to say during sex, I feel like porn has let me down. I’ve been raised on these stock phrases:

“God you’re wet.”
“You like that, don’t you?”
“I like the way you stroke his cock.”

Have you noticed that the things said during sex rarely exceeds six or so words? Something you will not hear in bed: “The sexual pleasure that I’m experiencing right now has exceeded my expectations. I’m so happy that we are having sex.”

Sex talk has to be short and to the point, so I’ve developed a handy Sex Talk Generator to help you out in the bedroom. I’ve kept in mind that the perfect sex talk statement contains three key ingredients:

(1) a segue – something that says, “Okay get ready, I’m about to say something sexy!”
(2) a descriptor – an honest take on the current situation
(3) a suggestion for future action – an not-so-subtle announcement of what is going to happen next

Simply take one thing from each column and then put it together.

1: Segues

– Fuck,
– Oh my god,
– Yesss,
– *Name of person*,
– Wait,
– Ouch,

2: Descriptions

– you’re so big,
– you’re so wet,
– I love this,
– what are you doing,
– what’s this red blob,

3: Actions

– don’t stop
– do me harder
– go slower
– go faster
– pull my hair
– spank me
– tie my hands
– get off me
– oh shit I think the condom broke
– get ready for my massive load

Now you never have to be insecure about what to say in the bedroom again.